Wow! Is it the Christmas Season already? It seems like I just got my World Aids Day decorations down! Oh well, lets plow full steam ahead into the merriment of the holiday by discussing one of my favorite traditions of the season, Christmas songs!
We at The Phat Phree have compiled our list of the top Ten Worst Christmas Songs and included downloadable links to them so that you can menace your office mates throughout the work day! Happy Kwanzaa!
Deck The Halls: Manheim Steamroller Xmas
I can understand why this crap was popular back in the day. The 80s was the heyday for unabashed keyboard and synthesizer overuse, and the cheesier the better. But why must I still endure this garbage on the radio twenty years later? Just let it die. Stop playing it. It fucking sounds like robots are caroling. Songs by Manheim Steamroller Christmas make me wish that Jesus was never born.
I had a hard time deciding whether this was one of the worst Christmas songs ever or the absolute best, but in the end I decided that it was awful. Kurtis Blow phones it in with the exact same beat that he used under every song between the years of 1979 and 1988 and uses lyrics that are reaching desperately to rhyme, even for him.
Man, you know what I really want this Christmas? Some guilt! This song was recorded in an effort to raise money for starving kids in Africa. All the big acts were there. Spandau Ballet, Bananrama, Kool & The Gang, all of whom, ironically, are probably hungry this Christmas. I heard some Ethiopian kids are putting together a tribute to help them.
The song itself is so bad that every time I hear it, it makes me want to go and take money and food away from Africa. Hey Bono and Duran Duran, how about you get off my ass and stop bringing down my Christmas season by reminding me of the crippling poverty that plagues the entire African continent. The thought of all those kids starving is so depressing that I can barely finish my nog.
Simply Having A Wonderful Christmastime: Paul McCartney
This song is so fucking annoying and bad that it is not only a disgrace to the musical legacy of The Beatles, its even a disgrace to Wings.
I assure you that you will not be able to avoid this song while shopping at Target this year. Its ubiquitous. True story: This song came on in just about every store when I was shopping at the mall last year. I finally ducked into an elevator, thinking that I was escaping it, when an even shittier elevator version of the song came on. Theres no God.
I know that this one seems easy. Its animal sounds edited together to sound as if they are singing beloved Christmas classics. Of course its bad. But what really gave this one the edge was the fact that its not even the original singing Jingle Dogs performing, which was still terrible but at least somewhat novel at the time. This means that the producer of the singing dogs album thought he had a good thing going and wanted to milk it a little longer so he said, What can I do to give it a different twist this year? Of course! Cats!
Walking in a Winter Wonderland: Ozzy Osbourne & Jessica Simpson
This one should probably be exempt because it is obviously meant to be bad. But I decided to allow it because you can tell that Jessica Simpson doesnt get that it is supposed to be bad. Shes trying to make something beautiful. And the patented Ozzie-Synthesizer that they threw on his voice is hi-god-damn-larious in this context. Enjoy!
Fuck you Brian Adams. Fuck you for thinking that this song was a good idea. I can even see your thought process. It will be like a Party Christmas song! This will be like my Summer of 69 for the Yuletide Season!
And how insulting do you think this pile of shit song is to actual Reggae artists? Personally, I hate Reggae and think its simplistic hippie garbage. But even those dreadlocked pseudo-musicians deserve more consideration than this. You should apologize to Bob Marleys talentless children.
Okay here it is. This is the grandaddy of all miserable Christmas songs. This song is everything thats wrong with American culture, and its popularity is a window into the simple collective national mind that made American Idol a number one show, Nascar the number two sport and elected our retarded President to a second term.
The song is about a boy at a department store on Christmas Eve who wants to buy some shoes for his mom, who is dying of cancer. However, he finds himself a bit shy on finances, so a bystander, caught up in the Christmas spirit, jumps in to save the day by making up the difference, thus allowing the kid to take some shoes home to his dying mother. This is the actual refrain from the song:
Sir I want to buy these shoes, for my Momma please,
Its Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size,
Could you hurry sir, Daddy says theres not much time,
You see, shes been sick for quite a while,
And I know these shoes would make her smile
I want her to look beautiful, if Momma meets Jesus tonight.
Omigod! I want to punch something again and again! How can people be deceived by this overwrought sentimental gibberish? Have you ever seen a more brazen and desperate attempt to force emotion from listeners? The writer pulled out all stops. He used children, Christmas, cancer and footwear all in one foul swoop! How much disrespect did he show for his audience by assuming that they would buy into it? And how shameful is it that it worked!? This is a popular song. Ive heard it on the radio more times than you can imagine.
I once stopped dating a girl simply because she liked this song. I was making fun of it when it came on and she said that she thought it was beautiful. The decision was made right then and there. Now obviously, the relationship was fundamentally flawed and we werent planning a fall wedding up till then or anything, but thats what really pushed it over the edge. That is how much I hate this horrible-bullshit-heart-string-tugging-moron-pleasing-bloody-late-term-abortion of a Christmas song.
So those are the worst Christmas songs in the world. You might disagree with me and have some examples of songs that you think deserve to have made the list, but youre wrong. These are the ten worst. We at The Phat Phree would still love to hear your opinions though and pretend to give them consideration and respect. So please fell free to add to the list.
And before I go, it would not be fair for me to force you to listen to all of those horrible songs without also including something to ease your suffering. So in the spirit of the season, please enjoy the Best Christmas song of all time. Happy Holidays!
Kill Paul McCartney, Please! Posted: 7/17/2006by: Dennis Nice choices although I think Paul McCartneys song Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas time is without a doubt the shiitiest song ever recorded. Hopefully Heather Mills beats the hell outta him with her wooden leg just for that alone. Chu Posted: 5/26/2006by: Chu That god damn son of a bitchDeck The Halls: Manheim Steamroller Xmas, I was wondering what that garbage was. I don't even want to think about how many times I had to hear that audio-abortion through out the holiday season. Happy fucking november to all. nancy Posted: 1/27/2006by: Ringworm heh, glad i could spread a little sunshine, nancy.
ps. loved you on "Differn't Strokes" i love you, ringworm Posted: 1/19/2006by: nancy reagan dirt nap. so good. thanks for that one. Add me to the Shoe Haters Posted: 1/1/2006by: W.R. I hate that fucking Shoe song. So many flaws: for instance, the singer notes that the kid is filthy. Hello? Where's the dad? Why can't he clean the kid up? Also, I amuse myself by thinking that the mom is really a crack whore and has set the kid up to scam her some new clear heels. The kid runs out of the store, clutching his booty and screams: Merry Christmas, you fucking tree-hugging weepy LOSER!! Momma gots a new pair of shoes - and if he's lucky it's the johns who'll be seein' Jesus tonight. How could anyone miss this turd? Posted: 12/28/2005by: Groucho Christmas Wrapping by The Waitresses
That song sucks mucus-covered monkey dicks. None of the lyrics rhyme... and those fucking horns after each verse! I can't limit myself to hating the song. I hate anyone who even listens to this song without wanting to take a hostage. suck Posted: 12/28/2005by: Ringworm i'll rather listen to the paul mccartney song being played by retarded 5th graders in my living room following Wilson Phillips (when that one was still a fatty) before i'd voluntarily listen to john lennon's piece of dog stink "So this is Christmas"... talk about cheesy schlock crap. yeah, you're a big peace-lovin hippy. now you're taking the dirt nap. too bad you didn't take that song with you.
Great Posted: 12/28/2005by: DK Jackson 5's "Santa Claus is comin' to town" ,seeing how the clan has turned out,especially,Mikey and Jermaine.
"Christmas time in Hollis" is not great,it truly sucks,as does James Brown's album.
Springsteen's cover of "Merry Christmas ,baby" .I liked it back in the late '80s.I hear it now,and I find it insufferable.Did he have to shout every friggin' line?
Wham! did a Christmas tune.Don't remember the title,but you can imagine how icky it was.
Whitey Houston's "Do you hear what I hear?".Same as all Whitney One-Note's songs -oversung,no subtlety.
"Hey Santa", Wilson-Phillips. Classic,SoCal lameness.Not surprising,since they come from the children of insincere,SoCal Hippy Boomers,the ones who invented lame,laid-back rock,nearly ruining it.
Wasn't "Dear Mr. Jesus" a Christmas song?I hope not. Fucking shoes Posted: 12/27/2005by: Lorenzo I started hearing that "Christmas Shoes" shit a couple of weeks ago and thought it was the most ridiculous shit I'd heard. I thought it was some new shit on the scene, some kind of country christmas by Kenny Chestney or some other nutsack that I don't listen to. What a bunch of crap. I think the main idea of that song is to taunt people because you can't punch a singer through the radio. Mark David Chapman hit the wrong Beatle... Posted: 12/24/2005by: Jay The radio station they play over the intercom system where I work (for which one of the speakers is directly over my head) plays Paul McCartneys' "Simply Having...." about 2 to 4 times a day from 7am to 4pm!!!! It's no wonder I am sick of Christmas by Dec. 3rd. All I want for Christmas is the rewriting is of history. Please Santa, have Mark David Chapmans bullet pierce the skull of Paul, and give us back John? Please?!?
