 | Jeff Alloway locked in ping pong action. (photo by witek@ineti.pl) |
The Alloway Family thought this year's annual Easter Sunday
ping-pong tournament in the basement would be like all the others: filled
with laughs, embarrassing stories and some good old fashioned family
bonding.
They were wrong.
Because when Uncle Karl Alloway faced off against Nephew Jeff Alloway in the semifinal match, no one had any idea the match would result in two divorces, three black eyes, one broken arm and a lost gerbil named "Jimmy The."
The altercation started with a series of miscommunications. Jeff thought
his shot hit the table. Karl disagreed. The two attempted to settle on a
correct score, but it was never clarified. When Jeff tried to say he was ahead in the match by 6 points, Karl lobbed his paddle across
the table.
"Yeah, I chucked my ping-pong paddle at his poor face," Karl said. "I was insulted, I would never be down by 6, but c'mon, I wasn't even throwing my hardest. I was Third Team All-County in high school. If I would have given him the ole' 'Karl Creamer-Heater' it would have been lights out for the lil' bastard."
When the paddle thumped Jeff's right orbital bone, the basement erupted into a mass of fists, feet and hair.
During the mle, several insults were heard from all directions.
"Mom loved you the least!" Aunt Caroline yelled to Sister Ashley.
"You're that drunken uncle!" Nine-year-old Danny shouted in the direction of three of his uncles. It was unclear which of whom he was talking to.
"Your wife has a nice boob job!" Ronny Flank said to Karl, referring to his wife Camille.
After his comment, Flank received a black eye from a misdirected elbow, ripping his vintage AC/DC shirt in the scuffle. But worst of all, lost his pet Gerbil.
"I take that little guy everywhere," Flank said. "Jimmy The Gerbil was my best friend. Hell, he wasn't just my best friend he was man's best friend."
The day after the brawl, Flank had a strong lead on how his pet got lost.
"I was pretty sure that this one kid let him out of his cage. I've seen the kid before, you know, at Christmas and Thanksgiving, and all the family gatherings, but I don't know his damn name," Flank said, adding "I just know him as that kid with brown hair."
That Kid' turned out to be Pete Alloway, Caroline's son from a different marriage. Amidst all the chaos, Pete tripped over the cage containing Jimmy The, setting the gerbil free.
"I didn't do it on purpose," Pete said. "I was just running to find a place to hide and be by myself for awhile. I mean my parents were screaming at each other, and I couldn't take it. My Dad kept yelling at my Mom, 'Blood is thicker than water, blood is thicker than water you bitch!' because she wasn't born an Alloway and Mom kept saying 'We are married, we are family. Idiot.'"
Pete's parents ended their 17 year marriage the next week with a divorce citing "irreconcilable differences."
When Flank heard it was Pete that set Jimmy The Gerbil free, he pushed him down a flight of stairs. Pete left the house on a stretcher with an arm broken in three different places.
"What can I say, I was angry," Flank said. "I got all up in his face and was like, 'Jimmy The was the only thing I could ever love, and you ruined it, you ruined everything' and then I pushed him."
Added Flank, "When he was lying at the bottom of the stair case, I looked down at him and said 'you just got Flanked you little terd!' I'll never forget that moment, it was sweet revenge."
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