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Who died?
With that first whiff you hardly notice. You are only aware that something is slightly amiss. You try to go about your business but there is no mistake; that is no alpine meadow you smell. You cautiously inhale through your nose. Oh yes, that is definitely not good. That is mildly offensive, no doubt about it. Now it’s starting to roll in like a morning fog, a very unpleasant haze. The fetid fog is quickly becoming a malodorous miasma. I’ll just spray a bit of this air freshener. Okay, this isn’t funny anymore. It’s official now; it stinks in here. The smell has just graduated into a stench. Can someone open a window?
Who died? For the love of all that is holy, can somebody light a match or something? I would burn down an orphanage if it meant that smell would go away. The aroma is so bad that I think that I may be asphyxiating. Think of a wonderful perfume, and now think of the exact opposite; now, think of it being ten times worse than the opposite of the world’s finest perfume. Now try to imagine that someone has crammed your nasal passages with the rancid flesh of a rotting musk ox carcass: a rotting musk ox carcass with BO upon which an old hobo just took a dump. Should I elaborate further?
What could possibly be the source of this profane stench? Take a guess. The smell is coming from God’s little miracle: the human body. There is no getting around it; we reek something fierce. Left to its own devices, the human body is truly a revolting piece of work.
At least this is what American advertisers would have you believe. So much of America's economy is based on the buying and selling of products to combat odors. Marketers have done a great job of making us self-conscious of every single human emanation and discharge. Every solid, liquid, and gas that escapes from our bodies has a host of expensive products that work to combat the odor. To an advertiser, an armpit is a stinking Chernobyl, the human foot becomes a malodorous Katrina, and the mouth is more disgusting than a port-a-potty at a chili cook-off. Michelangelo took a hunk of marble and fashioned David; advertisers take the human body and make you believe that it is an olfactory holocaust that requires a long list of products to keep it even remotely tolerable.
Lemony fresh, pine-scented, maximum-strength deodorizer, odor neutralizer, kills germs that cause bad breath, peppermint, and these are all things supposedly contained in a single breath mint the size and shape of a rat turd. Your body is a toxic waste dump. There is more than a need to keep a constant vigil; you should wage an all-out war to combat the forces of odor that live inside of you. It is a life-long battle that begins with a baby’s first diaper change, through the disgusting hormonal teen years, and ending in death. That’s when humans really start to stink up the place. We actually have to be buried or burned when we die because of the horrible smell.
This process initiated by advertisers has finally taken on the human body’s biggest odor challenge: excrement. Someone has produced a pill that lessens the odor of fecal matter. Now if they can just do something about the taste.
we should expect a campaign stop on this article from everyone's favorite president of the universe candidate (in 2012).
even though the formatting stunk (i'll be here all week) this was pretty funny.. nice work.
Victor fuckin' French
I'm Here Goddammit!
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Posted: 5/2/2006 9:02:05 AM
Right you are Mr. Deuce! This article was good, but did not even scratch the surface of how bad a man can actually reek. I'm talking about the kind of fuckin' stench you get when you slam six 24-oz. cans of Budweiser and a bag of nacho cheese Combos, then go blast the fuckin' toilet. Trust me. This article, did however serve as a perfect segue to another campaign pitch. French in 2012. Got a busy day today. "the Boss" has got me and Jonathan helping out at another retirement home. Talk about fuckin' stench.
jeddy
hood
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Posted: 5/2/2006 10:35:32 AM
can we get the white supremecist's first comment (which has nothing to do with anything) erased from this site. what the fuck? his white hood must be at the cleaners, and the pp wouldnt print his i hate black people column so he put it in a comment. it's just sad.
Joe Kickass
Good
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Posted: 5/2/2006 11:28:39 AM
Not as much a comedy piece as it was an editorial state of the nation on one aspect of consumerism with a few laughs thrown in, but well done. I liked.
P.S. Did you see the way I reviewed that? I'm smart.
Concerned Consumer
New Product
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Posted: 5/2/2006 12:07:36 PM
I thlink I saw an air freshner called "Port-a-potty at a Chilli Cook-off." Maybe Victor can use that to sanitize his hat.
That Guy
I'd Like to see
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Posted: 5/2/2006 3:16:14 PM
the whole article.
I think.
JPM
WOW
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Posted: 5/2/2006 3:22:13 PM
Victor French talking about STENCH??? NO WAY!
deuce
that guy
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Posted: 5/2/2006 3:22:24 PM
it's only a sentence or two.. (check the "intro" link on the main page - it fits together).
nostopping
nyggger in a club
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Posted: 5/4/2006 3:04:19 PM
too funny - best article on this site is on the next page - my girlfirends and I always see these ghetto trash out "keepin' it real" so to speak. By the way - I find it ridiculous that not only does this site sensor nyggger spelled correctly, they also sensor it as I just spelled it with only 2 "g"s - unbelievable.
be-bop
nyggger in a club
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Posted: 5/4/2006 3:06:12 PM
Definitely accurate - funny though it was on the next page, but now it's directly below - of course now that I write this, may end up on the next page - either way, "nostopping" is absolutely right - they are like bacteria.
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