 | Take the money and run |
SAN JOSE In a surprise move that shocked industry insiders, Crapient Technologies announced on Monday that it acquired Pissant, a rival enterprise software firm based in San Francisco. Pissant, a new entrant to the crowded enterprise software market, consists of several founding employees and zero revenue streams. Despite the lack of any discernable business model other than calling itself an enterprise software enterprise with Web 2.0 roots, Crapient executives felt the purchase of Pissant added synergy and value to their own murky strategic growth initiatives.
In an interview with Business 2.0, Crapient CEO Randall Taylor discussed the logic behind his latest move. Its actually quite simple once you examine the core fundamentals that Pissant possesses, he told Business 2.0. Even though they havent sold one seat license yet for whatever it is they were planning on selling, they bring something to the table that Crapient currently lacks. They have buzz, plain and simple. This is the dawn of a new paradigm, and these guys are on the bleeding edge of where enterprise software is going. For Christ sake, theyre Web 2.0! How much more cutting edge can you get than that?
Following Taylors candid interview, Pissant co-founders Dash Schimmel and Tad Johnson held an impromptu press conference from a penthouse suite at the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Although details of the acquisition remain closely guarded by Crapient executives, Schimmel bragged about a seven-figure payday as he sipped on Cristal before abruptly kicking reporters out upon the arrival of several scantily dressed young women.
In a follow-up interview with Wired magazine, Pissants angel investors, a team of young investment bankers led by world-renowned sport fucker Chad Billingsley, gloated about the absolute pile of horseshit they managed to sell to Crapient.
 | Hansen doles out sales wisdom |
Dude, it doesnt get any better than this, Billingsley told Wired. My boys Schimmel and Johnson pieced together some crappy software code by hiring a bunch of unemployed dorks, gave the company a catchy name, and then began shopping for a sucker. Didnt take long to find them either. My analysts are all short on Crapient. Now get the fuck out of my office. Ive got a plane to catch to Vegas. Were going all out this weekend, bitch.
 | Synergy... and diversity |
After learning about the Wired interview, Crapients brash VP of Sales, Jonathan Hansen, went on the offensive and lashed out at Pissants founders and their bankers. First of all, I dont who this Billingsley fucker is, but if he plans on going around acting like some big swinging dick, hed better get ready to play with the real big dicks like myself, Hansen told Fast Company. Idiot banker aside, these little Pissant punks better enjoy their little weekend of whoring it up in Vegas, because once they get back, Jonathan Hansen owns their asses. I negotiated the terms of the deal, which includes a one-year binding employment contract, so theyd better get ready to pound the phones and close some goddamn deals to prove this Pissant software of theirs isnt an absolute pile of crap.
When questioned about the reliability of Crapients own suite of enterprise software, Hansen quickly changed gears. Look pal, youre treading on thin ice, comprende? he told the reporter with Fast Company. Lets get this straight. Crapient is on target for record revenue growth this year. I think about two things as VP of Sales - how to sell more Crapient, and whats for dinner. Are we clear on that? Hell, Ive developed some extremely strategic revenue streams through our channel partnerships with Assenter and VaGiant, and Im confident the relationships Ive built through lots of sweaty late nights will pay dividends for Crapient and our shareholders.
Although Schimmel and Johnson were unavailable for comment following their coke-fueled celebratory weekend in Vegas, they are reportedly excited to work under Hansens tutelage and continue to develop the strategic relationships he created with many long and hard nights of their own.
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