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4 beautiful words.
You don't have to tell me twice.
I am what you would call an eater. I eat things. I eat small plants and animals whole. I cut larger plants and animals into smaller, more manageable parts before eating. I eat cute little animals, and I eat ugly fruits and vegetables, and vice versa. If humans have been known ever to have eaten something, I will eat it. I will eat things which no man has eaten before. Raw, blanched, blended, steamed, boiled, stir-fried, poached, scrambled, stewed, simmered, tossed, frozen, thawed, and Buffalo-style are just a few of the ways I will eat a plant or animal. Sometimes I will mix two or three of these techniques together to stuff my face. Variety is the spice of life. Spice is also the spice of life.
If you don’t eat you will die. Try not eating. You will die. Life will throw out your scrawny carcass when you starve to death but death will eat you right up, bones and all. Death has an incredible appetite. I don’t want to die so I eat. Death is often only a bagel with cream cheese away from where I am sitting in this coffee shop. Death circles like a vulture…waiting…waiting for me to miss a meal, waiting for me to screw up and starve to death. Death is patient. Death asks to borrow my newspaper. Death reads the box scores. Death sees that the Mariners are in last place. Death smells death and leaves me to finish my bagel. Death instead goes to circle the Mariner clubhouse. I sigh with relief but cut it short because I remember that sighing with your mouth full of food is impolite. A near-death experience is no reason to lose your manners.
Death is relentless and so I eat relentlessly. Death never sleeps. It is difficult to eat while you sleep which is why people die in their sleep. My solution is to dream about eating. I’m not dead yet so maybe I’m on to something. Death does not play fair; nod off for a second and death will be all over you like a cheap suit. I nap with a ham sandwich in my hand. You can’t be too careful.
They say that eating too much can kill you. Not eating will kill you faster than eating too much and besides, while you are killing yourself by eating too much you can watch TV. There are worse ways to go—unless you don’t have cable in which case I would rather be eaten by sharks.
Sharks gotta eat too. And what about worms? If we don’t die what are they supposed to eat? We are trapped in a seriously vicious circle. Just thinking about it makes me hungry. I am hungry all the time so I guess you could say that everything makes me hungry. Go ahead and laugh but I would suggest that my survival instinct is just stronger than yours. About the only thing that doesn’t make me hungry is eating. Eating keeps my mind off hunger.
P.S. Did you know that it is not possible to be depressed while eating? My goal is to never be depressed. As I type this, I am depressed. I need to eat. Anyone got some Trail Mix and syrup? Honey will work, too. Anyone?
Christine
Wow
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Posted: 6/28/2006 9:56:31 AM
This read like one of those conversations you have when you are high. And you think you just discovered a really great idea so you are all hyped about and talking really fast all the while thinking that you are a genius. I loved it. I love high talk too. I love my spoon and my candle. I love it all!!!!!
geez Carnie, I wish I could help, but all I have is this double stuffed oreo dipped in pancake batter and deep fried in oil and some mashed potatoes covered in turkey, onion, and mushrooms.
Carnie Wilson
Christine
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Posted: 6/28/2006 10:48:41 AM
I can make that work. I keep bags of shredded cheese and brown sugar in my "emergency pack," so I can dress that stuff up as a stop gap until my pre-lunch snack of 8-gallons of Chicago Mix arrives.
deuce
ha! - this was funny
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Posted: 6/28/2006 10:54:52 AM
and carnie is a trip...
i've got a dozen corndogs dipped in blueberry jam if christine's thanksgiving day feast doesnt hold you over...
Paris Hilton
So hungry I could eat a mini carrot
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Posted: 6/28/2006 11:38:58 AM
This made me laugh so hard it made...OK, it made blow blow out of my nose. I've been on a coke binge. I look so skinny. Sue me you judgemental pricks.
P.S. I haven't eaten in two weeks.
deuce
the day the "rim shot" died..
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Posted: 6/28/2006 11:43:58 AM
snare drums & crash cymbals around the world are silent in protest..
a paris hilton joke? wtf?
Christine
Carnie
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Posted: 6/28/2006 11:45:57 AM
Is definitely better than Paris. get rid of her.
Carnie, and if Deuce's suggestion made you lose your appetite (ha!), I always keep cheetos and pork grinds stuffed in sausage casing that were slow cooked in a crock pot of italian wedding soup in my desk. I'd be happy to share.
Carnie Wilson
MMmmmmm
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Posted: 6/28/2006 12:07:50 PM
Deuce's suggestion would be the perfect prelim to your precursor (Italian Wedding Soup, yum! Do you have some Zuppa Inglese to go with that?) to my appetizer sampler I had mentioned yesterday.
Then (after the salad and bread course), it would be time to get down to some serious eatin'.
Christine
awesome
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Posted: 6/28/2006 12:23:28 PM
I also make a mean roast pheasant and marshmallow surprise. Let me know when you want to come over for a sleep over. I'll cook and later we can braid your hanging fat.
Oprah
My cure-all
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Posted: 6/28/2006 12:40:01 PM
whenever I get a little hankering for a snack, my go-to move is to deepfry some saltpork wrapped in bacon. a good 5 or 7 chunks, enough to fill up a medium-sized loaf of italian bread. (If you know anything about gourmet food you will make sure this is Garlic bread, extra butter.) Then you put some nice beef gravy and a bluecheese-cheddar cheese mixture. Bake in the oven until melted. Garnish with prosciutto and 4 tablespoons of Mayonnaise, and youre good to go! the perfect midnight snack sandwich! you go girl!
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