Lets keep this short and sweet, like Fred Dursts mushroom tip covered in Hersheys syrup. Is it really fun to win Contra with the cheat code? When did we get to be so goddamn lazy? I wish I could "up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, b, a, b, a, start" my way through life, but it doesnt work that way. Sometimes you gotta work your way up through the Soda Popinskis and Bald Bulls of the world and just wait for Tyson to blink before you really deserve to get ahead. Is there really a point to a Final Fantasy Walkthrough? Its gonna take you 3 weeks to solve that shit either way, do you honestly feel the need to have the super chocobo card for the mini game when you do it? Just summon Shiva and be done with it.
These days the world is full of shortcuts. Im sure some people like the Mobil Superpass, but you still gotta get out and pump the fucking gas. It is not worth having one more fucking thing on my keychain that saves time just so I dont have to swipe my card. The beeper for two cars, plus the Magic Start magnetic kill switch key, the gate opener, a swiss army knife, a mini mag-lite, 10 keys to my different gun lockers, a Detroit Lions bottle opener, and my lucky bullet is enough. I already sound like the ghost of Christmas past walking down the hall as it is. And gastric bypass surgery? Talk about shortcuts. Basically you can just eat and eat until one day they just take out all the shit clogged guts. Its like that quantum physics thing where they ask you what is the shortest distance between to points on a string. Its not a straight line. Its bending the string until the two points come together. Who needs to do a squat thrust or eat broccoli when they can just literally sew a short cut into your fat ass. So what if this surgery saves lives. Maybe you deserve to die if your idea of exercise is pulling that handle on the side of your BarcaLounger. In the end youre not really winning Metal Gear if you use "5XZ1C GZZZG UOOOU UYRZZ NTOZ3" to get all the weapons and youre not really a healthy skinny person because you were gutted with a scalpel.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Did you ever think youd see a grown man punch a bear trap or drink horse semen? Me neither, and thats why 10,000 asinine stunts later Jackass is still funny. Its not the kind of humor that is clever or witty, its the kind of kicked in the nuts, dropped the baby and scared the cat up the side of the wall humor that has kept "Americas Funniest Home Videos" on the air for 17 years. The difference here being that these ridiculous gags are actually well thought out and planned, and thusly have a sense of comedic slapstick timing that is seldom used in this day and age. I would have never imagined when I was a kid watching the Three Stooges or Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau that its modern day evolution would be watching Johnny Knoxville get bitten by an anaconda or gored by bull, but it is just that.
As idiotic as it may be, since the day Knoxville had a gun fired at him in a Kevlar vest at point blank range, this band of skateboarding, shopping cart riding, fart giggling Laurel and Hardys have been the kings of physical comedy. Nothing in this movie is as good as dry firing in a hardware store toilet or rectal insertions of foreign objects, but in a day and age where the croc hunter gets killed just taking a swim, these guys manage to pull off way more incredible feats with a dramatic sense of irony and barely a scratch on themselves. Guys like Steve Irwin and David Blane are only mildly interesting because you think they will get hurt but never do. These Jackasses are genuinely exciting because you are waiting for the moment when they do get hurt and keeping your fingers crossed that this isnt some snuff film they made just for your enjoyment. Its Funny Faces Of Death.
It really becomes a sick balancing act of tension and release except with some real stakes unlike what comedy normally gives you as tension like Ross and Chandler stuck in an elevator or Uma Thurman throwing a shark into her ex-boyfriends bed. In the Jackass world these idiots really would put a live cougar in the car to get one of their buddies to drive faster and you would wait with glee for the moment when he actually gets mauled if only to then eagerly anticipate when all the guys laugh about it and let the midget dry hump someone. You really shouldnt try these stunts at home because obviously these guys really are professionals if they can still make me laugh at launching a man into a lake with a giant red rocket after 7 years of this crap. Copy cats beware, if you attempt to hurt your buddies for my amusement I will laugh at you on YouTube, but unless you find 40 things funnier than gluing your pubes to your friends face I will never pay for it.
The south moves in a perpetual state of Keanu Reeves whoa-ing his way through bullet time. Like trying to run your finger through cold molasses. Thats part of the southern charm. Aint nothing so important that you aint got time for a sit down on the porch or a glass of sweet tea. Louisiana (or luzee yonna as real southern folk say) and the South in general have long been immune to the hustle and bustle of the outside world. Thats why when some southern politician comes along with a boisterous charm and wit they stand out head and shoulders above the fray. For better or worse everyone remembers Bill Clinton, Strom Thurmond and David Duke, colorful characters that let the power go to their heads a little. When the original novel was written in 1946 its main character, Willie Stark, was patterned after real life governor Huey Long who was a self proclaimed Kingfish and once threatened to dynamite his opposition. Who wouldnt remember that guy? People loved him for his Every Man A King speeches and rivals hated him so much they literally had a failed coup d'etat to take the governors mansion away from him and tried to impeach him for blasphemy. Separation of church and state is certainly not an idea born in the South. Too bad this movie sacrifices both the original book and Longs southern charm and bravado for a sense of urgency that never manifests itself into anything more than feeling like you have to pee really badly, but you know you can wait until a good break in the conversation to do it. Its on your mind but it just doesnt really make a bit of difference in the end.
As usual Sean Penns acting manages to be as subtle as bleeding hemorrhoid after a night of suicide wings and tequila at Quaker Steak and Lube while the rest of the cast seems as excited as a group of people that just finished watching an off Broadway version of Les Mis. Unless the academy is gonna start handing out awards for overacting and yelling, Penn has about as much chance of winning now as he did when he played Jeff Spicolli. And even if they did hed still have to wait his turn behind Al You could get killed walking your doggie! Pacino.
When exactly did being a Brit become the main qualification for being from the South? Anthony Hopkins hasnt pulled off a convincing American accent since he queried Agent Starling about Miggs keen sense of vaginal hygiene. And Jude Laws closest attempt at ever acting was playing a fucking male real doll in A.I. Its starting to feel like Louisiana is supposed to be the bridge of an imperial star destroyer with all the British actors that pop up in this most American of tales. Maybe if Kate Winslet let Mark Ruffalo do a charcoal drawing of her tit Id be a little more compelled to keep watching, but no such luck. If you are looking for political drama this weekend youll probably get more kicks from the U.N transcript of the Venezuelan President getting all Kanye and calling Bush the Devil to the point where he said he could smell sulfur hanging in the air around his chair. Now thats award winning drama.
Would you love to see what modern special effects could do with a World War I dogfight; to experience our most primitive form of air to air combat in full Red Baron, barn storming color? Me too. Too bad this movie ends up feeling more like outtakes from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow than Hells Angels. When I was a kid I used to spend all Saturday afternoon watching reruns of those WWI movies. Sure they had cheesy rear projection shots in most of the flight scenes, but then they would cut it together with real planes doing airshow style exhibitions. When you heard the engine choke out and the plane start to descend it would actually make your stomach drop a little like the first time you rode a wooden roller coaster. And some of those movies are 70 years old.
Now instead of rear projection you get James Franco sitting in front of a green screen all day. Apparently the Blue Angels or some WWI stunt flyers dont fall into a 60 million dollar budget, though somehow the Knox County Fair can afford them. The effects are stunning, but in the end feel more like watching one of those Discovery Channel specials on an amusement park than actually visiting one. In fact I would venture to say that if this movie, cast and all, had been turned into the next flight simulator game instead of a feature film, it probably would make quadruple what this film will gross. Special effects helped movies like Saving Private Ryan take you right to the front lines of a real battle, but Ive seen Snoopy cartoons with dog fights that look better than this movie. The time warp is also a total farce. In the end this movie feels less like it is set in the past than an episode of "Quantum Leap". Maybe the wardrobe department shouldnt have used this falls Banana Republic line as costumes. This movie makes what we all know was a down and dirty war with heroic men flying around in machines that were more primitive than a pull start lawnmower feel as smooth and out of place as a tranny at a USO show. James Franco may have started his career as James Dean, but his days of living in the past are over. Its Green Goblin Jr. or bust for this Flyboy.
So am I really supposed to believe this is it? Jet Li is retired from Kung Fu? Is that like when Jay-Z said he was done making records. Maybe JayHova was done making new records, but remixes, mashups and greatest hits albums of the Jiggaman have flooded the market leading right up to the release of a brand new un-retirement record this fall. I just dont know if I can buy it from Jet Li either. In fact he is already in negotiations to do a movie with Jackie Chan. Am I to believe that movie will have no Kung Fu in it? I know Id pay pay ten bucks to see those two go back and forth with witty banter. Hepburn and Tracy beware. Sure, maybe hell never do another Hong Kong martial arts movie, maybe he wont play Wong Fe Hong for the seventh million time, maybe hell never fight off 74 guys with a rubber spear, but even at 43 years old I can guarantee you Jet Li will at some point karate chop his way to another paycheck so that I can call him Jet Lie for the rest of his life.
Big surprise that this movie is about an early 20th century guy who is down on his luck that some how finds it in himself to become a heroic fighter with a new style of martial arts. He starts off stealing his fathers ancient Chinese secrets like hes trying to open his own laundry mat and soon becomes one of the most feared fighters in the region. And like any real person would, he begins mercilessly fucking with people because his kung fu is the dope shit. Then some people he loves die, he refines his art to be more peaceful after he meets a blind girl and then yada yada yada he wins some kumite like tourney against poorly dubbed fighters from around the world. There is nothing here you havent seen before in Hero, Crouching Tiger, or even The Matrix. But at least the filmmakers know what were coming to watch now. Yuen Wu Pings name has been mentioned more prominently in the promotion than the actual director, because even on a bad day his choreography is more dazzling than the spinners on Yung Jocs bimmer. Jet Lis name is even in the damn title. Which is good because nothing in this film is relevant except watching Jet Li whup more ass than a fat chick on a paternity test edition of Springer. Whos the baddest? Sho Nuff, but Jet Li is a close damn second.
1. Whats the best fighting movie of all time? If you say Ready To Rumble you deserve to have David Arquette tea bag you while wearing his world title belt.
2. Caption This
3. Old school gamers unite. I cant be the only mother fucker in the world that still remembers playing Night Driver with the paddle, or the excitement of lighting up my friends in Super Dodgeball with only a plus sign D-pad and two buttons. So what are your favorite old school games dating back to Colecovision, Atari, and Sega Masters system up to the original PlayStation?
Touching the Void Posted: 9/27/2006by: Skeletor Has anyone seen Touching the Void? It's not a new movie, but I just watched it and it's the best I've seen in a while. tecmo bowl Posted: 9/27/2006by: fast eddie the impossible play to stop the bears and broncos had it ruined the game forever... had to move on to tecmo 2... l. taylor way too fast nice Posted: 9/27/2006by: fast eddie i liked the article but why comment just absorb it and let it be? one more time Posted: 9/27/2006by: fast eddie just tryin to fit in! look Posted: 9/27/2006by: fast eddie look at me i can post something clever. Answers Posted: 9/26/2006by: Colin 1- Street Fighter: The Movie. Van Damme was the shit in his stealth boat. You know you all wish you were him.
2- I guess we can figure out who snuck a taste of the spinach dip.
3- Old SNK games. Fatal Fury/King of Fighters, Samurai Showdown, Bust-a-Move & Metal Slug. My closet nerdness is forcing me to put down Shadowrun for the Genesis, which blew the pants off of it's weaker SNES version. Better Late than Never? Posted: 9/25/2006by: Tom A Pic Caption:
Billy found out a little late that the bride has chlamydia. The vomit was actually a better taste in his mouth... 3 Q's Posted: 9/25/2006by: D Nutz 1) Super Ninjas- Old School 70's Kung Fu gore martial arts *Honorable mention Big Trouble in Little China
2) The wedding party was lucky that only one small child succumbed to ecoli and died after the reception held at Old Country Buffet.
3) NES PRO WRESTLING!!!! The Amazon pirhana-chomping on Star-Man's head!!! CHOMP CHOMP CHOMP!!! Jackass 2 Posted: 9/25/2006by: dop If any of you saw it this weekend, it's not as good as the first and a LOT more gay... seriously? Posted: 9/22/2006by: three dong night 53 comments and no mention of Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricki?
damn shame. that and OG Final Fantasy with 4 Ninjas
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Did you ever think youd see a grown man punch a bear trap or drink horse semen? Me neither, and thats why 10,000 asinine stunts later Jackass is still funny. Its not the kind of humor that is clever or witty, its the kind of kicked in the nuts, dropped the baby and scared the cat up the side of the wall humor that has kept "Americas Funniest Home Videos" on the air for 17 years. The difference here being that these ridiculous gags are actually well thought out and planned, and thusly have a sense of comedic slapstick timing that is seldom used in this day and age. I would have never imagined when I was a kid watching the Three Stooges or Peter Sellers as Inspector Clouseau that its modern day evolution would be watching Johnny Knoxville get bitten by an anaconda or gored by bull, but it is just that. 
The south moves in a perpetual state of Keanu Reeves whoa-ing his way through bullet time. Like trying to run your finger through cold molasses. Thats part of the southern charm. Aint nothing so important that you aint got time for a sit down on the porch or a glass of sweet tea. Louisiana (or luzee yonna as real southern folk say) and the South in general have long been immune to the hustle and bustle of the outside world. Thats why when some southern politician comes along with a boisterous charm and wit they stand out head and shoulders above the fray. For better or worse everyone remembers Bill Clinton, Strom Thurmond and David Duke, colorful characters that let the power go to their heads a little. When the original novel was written in 1946 its main character, Willie Stark, was patterned after real life governor Huey Long who was a self proclaimed Kingfish and once threatened to dynamite his opposition. Who wouldnt remember that guy? People loved him for his Every Man A King speeches and rivals hated him so much they literally had a failed coup d'etat to take the governors mansion away from him and tried to impeach him for blasphemy. Separation of church and state is certainly not an idea born in the South. Too bad this movie sacrifices both the original book and Longs southern charm and bravado for a sense of urgency that never manifests itself into anything more than feeling like you have to pee really badly, but you know you can wait until a good break in the conversation to do it. Its on your mind but it just doesnt really make a bit of difference in the end. 
Would you love to see what modern special effects could do with a World War I dogfight; to experience our most primitive form of air to air combat in full Red Baron, barn storming color? Me too. Too bad this movie ends up feeling more like outtakes from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow than Hells Angels. When I was a kid I used to spend all Saturday afternoon watching reruns of those WWI movies. Sure they had cheesy rear projection shots in most of the flight scenes, but then they would cut it together with real planes doing airshow style exhibitions. When you heard the engine choke out and the plane start to descend it would actually make your stomach drop a little like the first time you rode a wooden roller coaster. And some of those movies are 70 years old. 
So am I really supposed to believe this is it? Jet Li is retired from Kung Fu? Is that like when Jay-Z said he was done making records. Maybe JayHova was done making new records, but remixes, mashups and greatest hits albums of the Jiggaman have flooded the market leading right up to the release of a brand new un-retirement record this fall. I just dont know if I can buy it from Jet Li either. In fact he is already in negotiations to do a movie with Jackie Chan. Am I to believe that movie will have no Kung Fu in it? I know Id pay pay ten bucks to see those two go back and forth with witty banter. Hepburn and Tracy beware. Sure, maybe hell never do another Hong Kong martial arts movie, maybe he wont play Wong Fe Hong for the seventh million time, maybe hell never fight off 74 guys with a rubber spear, but even at 43 years old I can guarantee you Jet Li will at some point karate chop his way to another paycheck so that I can call him Jet Lie for the rest of his life. 
