 | Some bald little kid just called me
a J-rag...what does that even mean? |
I'm Ty Pennington, and the renovation starts right now. Today Im going to introduce you to a very special little dude. His name is Fred Browbeaten and this is his story:
Fred Browbeaten enjoyed a normal, subdued life until the fateful day he was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma. His father, who was serving our country overseas, was notified about his sons condition and granted a brief medical leave to be with his family. Tragically, due to an intelligence mistake his plane was shot down by the US Armys 1st Armored Division during Operation Iron Hammer and he never made it home. Today Freds mother lives in a county indigent home where she sells her body for simple items like food, clothing and massive doses of black tar heroin to dull the everyday pain of being alive. Fred is a ward of the state and undergoing chemotherapy alone, so we thought it would be a great idea to give this brave little guy a chance to reunite with his remaining family. This is gonna be so awesome, lets DO IT!
We cant really do a wake-up call since his mother was evicted from base housing for making crack cocaine in the bathtub and Fred is in the Oncology wing of his local hospital under urgent care. Since there isnt an existing house were going to have to start from scratch on this scenic lot near Peoria, Illinois. During our interviews Fred told us that he really likes turtles and maybe would like a room with a terrarium to keep one as a pet. I think we can do better than that, Fred!!
We started this project by taking an infant loggerhead and subjecting it to experimental hormone growth treatments, advanced military husbandry techniques, and the full might of the powers given to me by my Dark Lord. Youre gonna freak when you see this! We made an immense 900 square foot turtle monster! Hail Satan! Its gonna be a full day today as we ritually slaughter and disembowel our titan terrapin. We heard you loud and clear, Fred! You like turtles? What could be more awesome than living INSIDE the eviscerated corpse of one?! Awesome!
 | Don't let his crib get away! |
Lets go to Eduardo to see whats going on with the lawn!
Hey Ty, we were interviewing little Fred about what sports he likes; but hes pretty immobile right now and the tubes coming from his mouth made him kinda hard to understand. Anyway, we think we heard him mumble something about laser tag! Were going to set up a giant course for him and all his feeb friends, complete with black-lights and fog machines...but thats not all. Look at this! Just for little Fred were rolling out a turret mounted COIL advanced tactical laser capable of liquefying steel at a range of up to twenty kilometers! Tag! Youre it! One hit from this baby will take care of those malignant cells and then some! Lets see what Michael has in mind for the interior!
Michael?
 | It feels so good to help people. I mean really, really, totally help people. |
Umm...Im in Michaels trailer but I dont see any sign of him. It looks like theres a note, though. Dear Ty, blah blah blah...I just cant do this anymore..blah blah...just because people like NASCAR doesnt mean they want to live in a giant car...blah blah... Oh man, check this line out Ty. ...a meth-addicted grade-school teacher at an arts & crafts expo would be ashamed at what Im doing to these rooms...
Ha! Gay sauce! Well, it looks like were going to have to talk to Preston about getting these rooms in order. I hope for his sake he has one giant bone saw!
Thanks Eduardo! It looks like its time to start getting busy helping this poor family out. We dont have much time. I cant wait till the little guy sees this, hes gonna love it so much!
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