Customer service representatives are available for any questions you may have...
We are very pleased that you have decided to take part in our elitist shopping program. Here youll find fresh fruit, choice meats and everything else youd expect from a membership-only superstore. Thanks to our partnership with the U.S. Government, we can offer our customers premium items at astoundingly low prices!
But while SADISCO membership is easy to attain, its even easier to lose. As a service to you, we have written this guide to prepare you for the unique shopping experience that is SADISCO.
As youve no doubt heard, the difference between SADISCO and our competitors is our company policy. Youll find it emblazoned on your membership card:
SADISCO SUPERMARKET: You are beneath us.
And yes, we mean YOU quite sincerely. While we appreciate your business, you must understand that membership is a privilege, not a right. SADISCOs discounts come with a significant price. In this dark future, we are all getting fat, stupid and lazy. The cause? Customer Service.
Thats right, Customer Service. In most establishments, managers will bend over backwards to cater to an overly whiney patrons needs. Well not here, Jack! Were tired of dealing with you pukes. SADISCO follows a strictly Darwinian philosophy. Shopping is now a contact sport, and only the strong will survive.
- If youve ever referred to shopping as your hobby... - If youve ever demanded to see a manager... - If youve ever stopped in an aisle to say hello to an old friend...
SADISCO is not the place for YOU.
Have fun paying top dollar with our competitors! Dignity has a price, and apparently yours is $1.99 for a 5-gallon jug of cinnamon.
At SADISCO, you will find no "friendly greeter." Instead, a stoic entry guard will confirm your identification card and issue you a personalized shopping cart. Any backtalk or excessive sighing will entitle you to a good old-fashioned public flogging. (9 lashes with the Jesus Whip is the current industry standard.)
From the moment you place your hands on your shopping cart, a personal attendant will be with you for every step of your journey.
SADISCO SUPERSTORES are an exciting experiment in lightening fast, impersonal shopping. As such, a strict 30-minute time limit is in place. Studies show that people are more efficient when aided by music. We agree. Your personal attendant will spend the entire journey obnoxiously bellowing the original Classic Theme from Tetris song directly into your eardrums. (The Jeopardy theme may be substituted for our older guests.) If your personal attendant does not feel you are moving fast enough, he may alternate the pace of the song to stimulate quicker shopping. Dont panic!
As you round the 25-minute mark, you may feel a gentle nudge behind your knees. Thats just your attendant urging you along (with a baton). Exceeding the time limit, will cause him to flip your cart over, informing you that, You have failed at buying groceries today. Thank you for attempting to shop SADISCO.
If you thought our employees were all business, wait till you check out the environment! Our stainless steel aisles offer virtually no feelings of warmth. To eliminate shopping bottlenecks, birth control, liquor, pornography and handgun ammunition is contained in a single aisle. This way, all the perverts and loose-cannon maniacs are surrounded by other scum, eliminating all that pretending to stare at the foot powder for twenty minutes before picking up a box of condoms nonsense.
PREPARE TO BE LABELED
Similarly, the diet section is designed to eliminate overindulgence. Titled Fat People Stuff this section has more Low-Fat Ice Cream and Flavored Rice Cakes than you can shake a blubbery arm at. To further aid your weight-loss needs, all of our shelves are perpetually being restocked by starving orphans.
A hearty dose of caffeine can help speed your shopping, so for this purpose, weve added an express coffee bar before you begin. Just be advised: ordering anything deemed annoying will result in our professional barista throwing scalding hot coffee in your face while announcing Heres your iced mocha soy half-caf vanilla latte, sir!
SADISCO's patented "Emotion Correction" system.
Our book section features copies of classic literature and little else. Illuminating this aisle are special SADISCO lanterns fueled by flaming copies of "The Da Vinci Code" and the "Left Behind" series. The floor tiles form an elaborate image of popular Harry Potter characters being killed by Lord Voldemort. This seemingly cruel image serves as a reality-based lesson in mortality for todays over-protected child.
Speaking of spoiled brats, yours are not welcome.
SADISCO finds them neither cute, nor amusing. If you absolutely must bring them, a special ankle bracelet must be worn at all times. Any yelling or screaming is met with an ear-piecing alarm countdown. At this point you have a mere 10 seconds to beat your child into silence. For your convenience, a complimentary burlap sack of rotten fruit is issued with every anklet. In-store punishments will never leave physical marks, but SADISCOs emotional lessons should last a lifetime.
But the real jewel of the SADISCO SUPERMARKET experience is our Tough Love Self-Checkout line.
Have you ever actually stood in our competitors self-checkout lines? Their supposedly quicker system takes most patrons four times as long. Now honestly, how difficult is using this process? Youve got a massive button there that very clearly states: PRESS HERE TO BEGIN. Yet, studies frequently show that some stare bewildered at this screen for upwards of five full minutes before figuring it out.
Our design is much more effective.
When you approach the SADISCO machine, you will first notice a large High Resolution Full Color sign reading: SELF CHECK OUT IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE THESE SIMPLE INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE CONSUME THE PROVIDED SADISCO BLEACH WITH COLOR PROTECTION.
Underneath users will find a bottle of SADISCO brand Bleach.
The very moment they step onto the pressure sensitive floor panel, a digital touch screen flashes the following message: MASH YOUR HAND HERE TO START. To further speed the process, the accompanying audio guidance program will repeatedly scream: LOOK-AT-THE-SCREEN-STUPID-LOOK-AT-THE-SCREEN-STUPID!
Because self-checkout has a 12-item limit, you will have three minutes. There is no way scanning 12 measly bar codes should take you any longer. Our customers are busy, and have no time for slowpokes. Weve all had the experience of standing behind the jackass who cant follow simple instructions. Its horrible and slows the pace considerably, leading to many overturned shopping carts.
At SADISCO weve gone out of our way to educate the customer. After a mere 3 seconds of inactivity, the status screen begins to flash while the speakers boom: SHOPPING AT SADISCO IS A PRIVELIDGE NOT A RIGHT, BEGIN SCANNING IMMEDIATELY OR FACE PUBLIC SHAMING.
FOUR. THREE. TWO. ONE.
ZERO.
HOW DOES IT FEEL TO FAIL AT BUYING GROCERIES?
In mere seconds, the patrons groceries will be whisked away on a hidden conveyor belt as their personal assistant ejects them from the premises. More intelligent consumers can advance beyond this point. Scanning each of their items into the machine, paying for our bargain basement prices, and then simply walking out the door to their cars.
If any of SADISCOs methods seem harsh, please remember that this is all for the greater good. The century of self is over. Long live the century of shutting up and not bothering your fellow consumers. Here at SADISCO, we do not abide any of that sissy-baby crap.
Just follow our simple rules and you too can afford to eat.
There was an article... Posted: 10/23/2006by: M. Consolmagno I don't know what the fuck these people are talking about or what you're writing about, I'm just bored at work and looking up old friends to see if any of them got out of their mom's basement. And yes I still live in your mom's basement so don't ask. But either way nice to see the modicum of artistict talent you displayed 15 or so years ago, is still actively running around inside that head of yours, miss my randomn running into of you at the Mall. e-mail me kid. Teacher Posted: 9/28/2006by: Mark This is brilliant. finally a place to go and get things DONE. not the joke that is shopping. YES, OH GOD YES Posted: 9/28/2006by: martin i would shop here the second it opened up...
i hate morons, i hate bawling babies, and i like to shop quick Deuce Posted: 9/27/2006by: Ernesto I like it... Also, one broken finger for each additional time they have to run something over the scanner. I was going to say you get to rip out a tooth with a rusty pliers when they have to call for a price check, but it's rare that I see a cashier that has all of their teeth in the first place. Sign me up! Posted: 9/27/2006by: hairy I dream of shopping in a store without any kids or retarded people in my way. Great article. ernesto Posted: 9/27/2006by: deuce flying scissor kicks are fair game. by the time the "f" in "it's my first..." exits their stupid hole, your heel should be connecting to their jaw.
(this article was funny as shit by the way.) Great, but one thing Posted: 9/27/2006by: Ernesto What about the cashiers? I need to see thier manual and a complete list of guidelines/punishments for the employees as well. The few times I've actually been able to make it through a grocery store without the obstacle of retards and fat people (read General Public), I always seem to end up at the cashier that inevitably ends our half-hour check out session together with the phrase, "Sorry, it's my first day...". Excellent Posted: 9/27/2006by: Joe Kickass My only critique of this article is that it could have used more pictures of children being punched. Well done. DaMan Posted: 9/27/2006by: Max Full Contact Shopping, i cant wait for that old lady to try to snatch that last cookie from the shelf. :) SADISCO....Oh yeahhh Posted: 9/27/2006by: Tony Mazz The only thing that can approach the greatness of a SADISCO opening up near me would be a lifetime supply of NABISCO oreo cookies. Delicious article.
