 | New Yorkers will be the healthiest people in the world...or else. |
NEW YORK (Phat Phree News Services) New York City health officials have shown they have no intention of stopping at just banning trans fats from its restaurants.
The citys health department released a proposal on the heels of the proposed trans-fats ban to phase out the following from all restaurants, grocers and public facilities within the next 16 months: red meat, coffee, chocolate, candy, white rice, sausage, pasta, all white bread products, all sliceable cheese and cheese sauces, cream, whole milk, eggs, and anything that has been deep-fried, glazed, powdered or frosted.
Its really not as stringent as it seems, said Health Commissioner Thomas Frieden. For every substance weve banned, theres usually a healthy substitute, like switching out regular pasta for whole-wheat pasta, sugar-free chocolate, candy and gum, soy milk, artificial sweetener, egg whites. The list is quite extensive.
However, the cost for restaurants will be astronomical, and many will invariably close. When asked for his prediction on the economic impact his initiatives would sew, Frieden only said, Im not that good at math, but everyone will be healthy, so Im guessing theyll be in a good mood, no matter what.
Restaurant owner Mike Coughlin didnt agree.
Im totally fucked, deadpanned Coughlin, who runs a sub and pizza shop in Astoria. I keep looking at this list of banned foods, and I really think the only thing I dont have to take off my menu is the side order of celery.
Did any of these assholes [with the health department] do any number crunching whatsoever? asked a frustrated Coughlin. Cuz I just did, and Im confident that my new whole-grain, goat-cheese pizza with dried figs and flaxseed oil is only gonna cost $69.95. For the 12-inch, that is. If you want the 16-inch, I dunno, shit, well set up something with Wachovia or something so that people can get a home equity loan to pay for their fuckin pizzas while they wait. This is gonna be great.
If youll excuse me, said Coughlin as he stood up, but I have to go take care of something. Dont worry, though, that gun shot youre about to hear isnt me blowing the roof of my mouth through my skull. Seriously, thats just gonna be your imagination.
On the other end of the spectrum, Mary Jenkins, a self-described glamour hippie and a lifelong city resident, actually seemed elated by the news. See, I run a tofutti bar, explained Jenkins. And out of the 24,000 restaurants in the city, Im probably one of about seven that doesnt have to totally scrap my menu. Im finally ahead of the game!
Wow, I might even turn a profit this month, proclaimed Jenkins, since my tofu pita tacos with lima beans has to be the closest thing left to junk food in the city. Oooh, Im going to go make some free samples to hand out in celebration!
Several small business owners in nearby Hoboken, N.J., were also pleased with the decision, as a commercial real-estate boon took place there, yesterday, with owners receiving offers seven times higher the worth of their property.
Emeril Lagasses people came in and offered me $2.3 million for my little used book store, said Ed Landiss, an Oakland, N.J. resident. They had the check ready and everything. I think they even bought the whole block.
"I wonder if they knew that none of the stores have any plumbing?" wondered Landiss.
Except for the rare cases, though, most residents were dismayed, angered, and some were even threatening violence.
Listen, Im a nice guy, said Mark Catalonotto, of Brooklyn. But what most people dont know is that Ill fuckin stab a pregnant woman to get a steak. Its never been an issue, since steak has always been readily available, but, uhh, I dunno, you take away my steak, there might be more people walking around with knives in their foreheads.
To tell you the truth, I havent really thought of a plan, said Hector Guadario, of Queens. All I can afford to eat is Easy-Mac and tuna fish, so if you take that away from me, the only other viable option is for me to start stealing, skinning and skewering domestic animals on my hibachi. Sounds like the life to me, no?
Correct me if Im wrong, but wasnt the smoking ban more about protecting non-smokers from deadly second-hand smoke? said Melissa Rodgers, of Long Island. Tell me, how many people have ever died from second-hand grease?
 | Who can you punch over this, you ask?
This guy: NYC Health Commissioner Thomas Frieden |
Frieden said that he thinks that, after a short while, people will learn to live with the ban, just as theyve done with smoking.
Clearly, the restaurant smoking ban proved once again that the government can and should continue to make all of the hard choices for its constituents, said Frieden with a smile. Oh, you dont want to quit smoking, Mr. Chimney? Well, well make you quit. Going for that drumstick, Tubby? I dont so, theyre illegal, big boy!
Basically, the fewer choices that people have, the easier it is to make the right one, said a confident Frieden. And when it comes to food and drink, Im doing everything I can to make sure that people have as few choices as possible. Just think about what we could do for Americans if we stopped letting them decide anything at all?
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