Is there really any reason for some artist to turn Disney cartoons into porn? Just because Ariel is a mermaid doesnt mean there is any need for her to be topless. And I certainly dont need to see that she got the crabs from an actual crab. Sure weve all had our fantasies about what wed do if we were Major Nelson and had our own Jeannie, but that doesnt mean I need to see Aladdin turn his genie into a giant blue dildo and plunge Jasmine with overdubs of Robin Williams as Mork from Ork screeming a garbled nanu-nanu on the audio track. I know the Japanese love their Hentai (anime porn) but the American version is just twisted to me. When it started with Jessica Rabbit I got it, but when it got all the way to midget gang bangs and bestiality in Bambi Meets Sleeping Booty and the Seven Angry Dwarves I just couldnt hang.
But I guess everyone has their guilty pleasures. For some people its watching Passions instead of going to work, for other people its Carrot Top or Gallagher. Some love wrestling (Kurt Angle in TNA?). And still others cant wait to get home and yell at Jeopardy! or Deal or No Deal like they can actually influence the decision of some idiot who just turned down $175,000 or forgot to form his answer as a question. What is a Saber? The bloody word begins with an S, Alex!
For me its Flavor Flav. Yeah boiee, I said it. Flavor Fucking Flav! Nothing is more repulsive than week after week watching the clown prince of hip hop stick his gold fronts knee deep in some poor womans mouth. But yet I keep watching like rubber necking at some twisted car accident that I just cant turn away from. I shudder at the thought of someones mangled torso pinned between their Alpine stereo and the axle of a cement truck, but I watch on in hopes of knowing what awful crime against man has been perpetrated. I cant do an actual review of Flavor Of Love because I would hate to influence anyones decision one way or the other to watch this catastrophe. This stomach turning form of entertainment must be your own choice not unlike downloading Pokeherhotass.
But I can tell you this, Flav is a genius. After foolishly picking the hottest chick in season one and subsequently being dumped by her, the clock rocker has figured out that the purpose of this show is to get as much nookie as he can from the hot chicks while they are forced to compete for his affections and then drop them for the ugliest and craziest bitches that have been on TV since that second Hookers at the Point special on HBO. That way he wont have to go hoggin with Tina Yothers after she looses on Celebrity Fit Club. Besides, the nasty ones actually think Flav is a catch! Were not talking about Denzel or even Wesley here. Flav looks like the stuff you scrape off of a burned grilled cheese. Not only do these chicks get excited about licking his tonsils right after some other vile skank has just swapped spit with midnight man, but several of them have actually done the deed with the king of cold lampin. As much as I can taste the bile welling up in the back of my throat as I watch, nothing beats seeing the shock on Flavs face when he finds out one of these heffalumps has a cold sore or his disappointment when the sistas try to push the white girl off the balcony. Hoodrat shorties riding horses in wine country, classy hot chicks being outdone by grizzle trolls that dress worse than a Vine Street tranny, a washed up what my man said rapper wearing a grandfather clock as an accessory?. How can you not stare in awe at the mangled carnage? Flavor Of Love is by far the guiltiest pleasure of all time.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Ashton Kutcher is determined to get ten bucks out of everyone this weekend with two big budget wide releases. Surprisingly the Disney pic is geared at misty-eyed adults in a post 9-11 world where first responders are the stuff of legends and the Sony pic is the animated one geared at bleary-eyed youngsters looking for one more romp through the CG forest. Many critiques have complained about the crowded landscape of CG animated movies this year that have not posted stellar numbers at the theaters, but parents the world round are rejoicing. Its not that anyone gives a shit about another batch of animated animals; Schwimmer pretty much ensured that by raising the suicide rate among 7 year olds with his mind numbing performance in Madagascar. Its that when these movies come out on DVD kids will watch them 700 times in a week. Unless you want to hear that Timon and Pumbaa song again you better have another movie to pop in to the old digital babysitter or you just might have to start actually playing with your children or teaching them how to read.
Though his name may not topline either of these features let me assure you that Kutch is the star of both of these films. If youve ever seen an episode of "Punkd" you know that Ashton is at his trucker hat wearing best when he is just put in a room and allowed to dump all his ridiculously awkward energy in front of a camera when he does those intros. Which is perfect for bringing life to animated characters. God bless the motion capture guy though because Ashton's "Punk'd" intros are like watching Dean Martin make fun of Peter Lawford if he was taller, retarded and trying crack for the first time. But thank god Ashton is kinda famous from falling off that water tower for 6 years, because I have absolutely no clue who the fuck a Rihanna or an Eric Dill are. Im sure they deserve to be humiliated as much as the next Q-list celebrity but he's the only famous person I've seen on that show that has ascended any higher than "Celebrity Poker Showdown" status.
But I have to think Kutchers ability to make no namers seem important is a good thing for the fading star of Martin Lawrence. Kutchers hysterical (and I mean like hysteria more than side-splitting) performance as a horn-challenged buck is guaranteed to keep the little-uns glued to the screen far better than the lifeless Lawrence who hasnt been even mildly amusing since the last time he uttered Damn Gina on his long defunct sitcom. But in spite of the infusion of punkd intro style into the characters, the plot is still what youd expect. Kutchs Elliot has to help a house trained grizzly bear, Boog (Lawrence) find his real home in the mountains by overcoming forest pitfalls that neither are really equipped to deal with. We all know in the real world the grizzly would just eat all his furry opposition and maul any other obstacles faster than a stingray swimming with a child torturing, wife beating Aussie. But if thats the kind of thing you want your kids to be watching then I recommend Werner Herzogs flick Grizzly Man followed by the psuedo-doc Mondo Bizarro and not this fun little romp through the forest.
You know how in wrestling every now and then one of the old geezers decides hes gonna pass the torch to some young jobber. You know the youngster is gonna take his lumps as the old timer blows spot after spot, but eventually hes gonna get the rub and be put over as the next big thing for beating Grandpa Hulkster, Flabby Flair, or False Knee Funk. And even after the rub those old guys still arent gonna quit like they should. Well that is dynamic between The Postman and Kelso in The Guardian. Costner kicks it off with a sob story worthy of the opening scene in Cliffhanger and then proceeds to train Young Kutcheezie to have sob stories of his own. Apparently, Mr. Demi Moore has been taking some acting lessons from the missus, because he turns on the waterworks better than any brat packer who starred in St. Elmos Fire. But maybe the tears just came from the pain of shooting in the devastated New Orleans area right after Katrina, or possibly it was the 4 AM call times for scuba lessons in choppy 40 degree water or maybe it was just the genuine emotion of a script that deals with the heroism and tragedy of our unsung heroes of the USCG. Wait that last one is funny. Maybe you might catch me saying that a Ranger was tough, maybe a Seal if I was drunk, but the Coast Guard? Thats like saying a bunch of guys dressed as gay pirates in the West Hollywood Halloween parade are tough. Nope, Ashton was crying because he realized that he willingly volunteered to do a movie involving Kevin Costner and water. You cant out swim him Ashton, hes got gills! But in the end the submariner does give his young Randy Orton like protg the rub and Ashton seizes the opportunity to use every bit of his chisled jawline to propel himself into lead actor status. Both the rescue scenes and the training scenes are superbly done and the result is a movie that feels more like a dark version of Top Gun than a feel good version of United 93, but I am also the guy who loved the morbid irony of Butterfly Effect, so what do I know.
In the end both of these movies are actually pretty good. But with out some ridiculous high concept hook of an asteroid hurtling from space, some real life story that will get the movie extra coverage on newsmagazine programs, or the Pixar brand touted high above the title, I have a sneaking feeling that more movies goers will find themselves in front of the Jackasses and Scoundrels this weekend instead of being punkd by anything featuring Kevin Costner or Martin Lawrence.
Speaking of forests and fun for the whole family, how about taking the kids to see Forrest Whitaker as crazed Ugandan dictator Idi Amin? What could be more uplifting than the story of an African president who uses Voodoo, rape and torture to prove that he is the best lover in Africa. Or who would talk to the frozen heads of his enemies and practice cannibalism. And Americans thought disco, polyester, and roller rings were the worst trends in the 70s. Personally I am stoked that the world will get to see an Oscar caliber portrayal of the leader who catapulted on the world stage during the 1976 Entebbe hostage situation where Israeli commandos had to save their hijacked citizens from a plane that was delivered to the insane Ugandan leader. Shortly after that situation ended with Amin having the only un-liberated hostage killed, he declared himself the Hitler of Africa and promised to erect a statue of his hero for the whole world to see. Amin's idea of genocide was to make all the Asians swim back home. Hilarious fun for the whole family!
This is the kind of shit that kids never learn in history class. Sure we hear about the Timothy McVeighs, Osama Bin Ladens and David Koreshs of the world, but contrary to popular belief Whites and Arabs do not have a monopoly on crazy. Kids should know that there are psychotic Black people in the world too and the Mike Tyson story is not enough. Typically you only hear about the SLAs or Mohamed Aidids of the world when there is a Patty Hearst involved or a Black Hawk Down, and thats no exception here as the movie follows as stupid white doctor caught up in Amins charm, but I think its time for people to start really questioning the sanity of all races equally. Sadly though, for every OJ Simpson, theres a Robert Blake, Phil Spector, or Mel Gibson, just chomping at the bit to steal attention away from the Black community. This is my cry for affirmative action. Hollywood shouldnt gloss over the Tookie Williams story for more Gary Busey, lets find out the real dirt behind Al Rokers stomach stapling rise to fame. I want to know how Oprah is torturing Taiwanese children to bind the books for her club. I mean how has their never been a major motion picture about Suge Knight, hes every bit as loony as Tom Cruise crossed with John Gotti Junior. Can Anne Heches aliens and lesbian affairs even come close the amount of crack Whitney has done or marrying Bobby Brown of her own free will? Come on Tinsletown. Idi Amin is just the first step in what could be the next great source of material. So what if Charlie Chaplin liked the underage girls and Jerry Lee Lewis married a youngster he was related to. If they got movies I full well expect to see Can I Pee On You Little Girl?: The R. Kelly Story coming to a screen near me soon.
1. What are some of the best animated films of all time? If you say Roughnecks the animated sequel to Starship Troopers that features neither Dina Meyers saggy milk bags nor Denise Richards ass in spandex then I will sheath my ka-bar in your collar bone and force you to throw baseballs.
2. Caption This
3. Since I have come clean about yet another of my embarrassing guilty pleasures, I feel it is only appropriate for you to do the same. I know at least one of you has masturbated to One Night in Chyna, tivoed every episode of Stargate Atlantis, or eaten 5 cans of Hormels Potted Meat Food Product. So lets hear it. What are your guilty pleasures?
Late Check In Posted: 10/2/2006by: Tom A 1. South Park 2. AND we're cheaper than FedEx. 3. John Denver (Good Lord - who said that?!) Another one Posted: 9/29/2006by: Batata The Braveheart is good but I also like to throw in a Davey Crockett every once and a while. #3 Posted: 9/29/2006by: Christine The Braveheart.
You should come to philly within the next 5-7 days. oh damn... Posted: 9/29/2006by: antony joe- i think you are a completely cock-gagged closet case, but i have to admit, the braveheart sounds impressive. RESPECT indeed. Brattattatattatattat! Posted: 9/29/2006by: Napalm Jones Whoa! The Braveheart is some serious shit! Didn't know you rolled like that, Joe. The real question is do you wear you striped shirt tucked in or do you wear it unbuttoned over a shirt that says, "Having a Huge Penis Is Not So Great". If it's the second one you get a pass.
DLamp - Yes Kurt Angle actually signed with TNA. Apparently the lighter work scehdule is just the only way he can stay in wrestling with his dibilatating Vicoden habit and his obliterated spine and neck. It is still worth the money for them to only have him wrestle a few times a year and just show up and talk smack. WWE's travel schedule alone is too much for some guys. If you have knees like Nash, or Steiner or a lame finisher like Christian, TNA is the perfect place for you. Christine Posted: 9/29/2006by: Joe Kickass I've lived here for three years now and have actually never been on a trolly.
A Braveheart is when a girl is on her period so you're doing her in the ass, then you stick your hand in the vag and when she turns around and gives the inquisitive look, you smear it across one side of her face and bellow "FRREEEEEDDDDOOOOMMMMM" as loud as you can. Mmm. Posted: 9/29/2006by: BAR 1. Animaniacs...of course, and the original bugs bunny.
2. Here's a tight little package.
3. Makin my way down town, walkin fast, faces pass and i'm home bound.. bum bum bedum bedum. and i will wooondeeerrr.... hmm Posted: 9/29/2006by: Christine 1st, what's a braveheart? 2nd, my other guilty pleasure is fantasizing about you naked on the san fran trolley so please forgive me for my last remark.
Stripe shirts guys are hot because they look well put together, so there you go. Christine Posted: 9/29/2006by: Joe Kickass I would love nothing more than to give you a Braveheart and then urinate on your face. Ha! Posted: 9/29/2006by: Christine That was a test. You failed Joe. Quick everybody make fun of Joe.
But I can tell you this, Flav is a genius. After foolishly picking the hottest chick in season one and subsequently being dumped by her, the clock rocker has figured out that the purpose of this show is to get as much nookie as he can from the hot chicks while they are forced to compete for his affections and then drop them for the ugliest and craziest bitches that have been on TV since that second Hookers at the Point special on HBO. That way he wont have to go hoggin with Tina Yothers after she looses on Celebrity Fit Club. Besides, the nasty ones actually think Flav is a catch! Were not talking about Denzel or even Wesley here. Flav looks like the stuff you scrape off of a burned grilled cheese. Not only do these chicks get excited about licking his tonsils right after some other vile skank has just swapped spit with midnight man, but several of them have actually done the deed with the king of cold lampin. As much as I can taste the bile welling up in the back of my throat as I watch, nothing beats seeing the shock on Flavs face when he finds out one of these heffalumps has a cold sore or his disappointment when the sistas try to push the white girl off the balcony. Hoodrat shorties riding horses in wine country, classy hot chicks being outdone by grizzle trolls that dress worse than a Vine Street tranny, a washed up what my man said rapper wearing a grandfather clock as an accessory?. How can you not stare in awe at the mangled carnage? Flavor Of Love is by far the guiltiest pleasure of all time.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Though his name may not topline either of these features let me assure you that Kutch is the star of both of these films. If youve ever seen an episode of "Punkd" you know that Ashton is at his trucker hat wearing best when he is just put in a room and allowed to dump all his ridiculously awkward energy in front of a camera when he does those intros. Which is perfect for bringing life to animated characters. God bless the motion capture guy though because Ashton's "Punk'd" intros are like watching Dean Martin make fun of Peter Lawford if he was taller, retarded and trying crack for the first time. But thank god Ashton is kinda famous from falling off that water tower for 6 years, because I have absolutely no clue who the fuck a Rihanna or an Eric Dill are. Im sure they deserve to be humiliated as much as the next Q-list celebrity but he's the only famous person I've seen on that show that has ascended any higher than "Celebrity Poker Showdown" status. 
You know how in wrestling every now and then one of the old geezers decides hes gonna pass the torch to some young jobber. You know the youngster is gonna take his lumps as the old timer blows spot after spot, but eventually hes gonna get the rub and be put over as the next big thing for beating Grandpa Hulkster, Flabby Flair, or False Knee Funk. And even after the rub those old guys still arent gonna quit like they should. Well that is dynamic between The Postman and Kelso in The Guardian. Costner kicks it off with a sob story worthy of the opening scene in Cliffhanger and then proceeds to train Young Kutcheezie to have sob stories of his own. Apparently, Mr. Demi Moore has been taking some acting lessons from the missus, because he turns on the waterworks better than any brat packer who starred in St. Elmos Fire. But maybe the tears just came from the pain of shooting in the devastated New Orleans area right after Katrina, or possibly it was the 4 AM call times for scuba lessons in choppy 40 degree water or maybe it was just the genuine emotion of a script that deals with the heroism and tragedy of our unsung heroes of the USCG. Wait that last one is funny. Maybe you might catch me saying that a Ranger was tough, maybe a Seal if I was drunk, but the Coast Guard? Thats like saying a bunch of guys dressed as gay pirates in the West Hollywood Halloween parade are tough. Nope, Ashton was crying because he realized that he willingly volunteered to do a movie involving Kevin Costner and water. You cant out swim him Ashton, hes got gills! But in the end the submariner does give his young Randy Orton like protg the rub and Ashton seizes the opportunity to use every bit of his chisled jawline to propel himself into lead actor status. Both the rescue scenes and the training scenes are superbly done and the result is a movie that feels more like a dark version of Top Gun than a feel good version of United 93, but I am also the guy who loved the morbid irony of Butterfly Effect, so what do I know.
Speaking of forests and fun for the whole family, how about taking the kids to see Forrest Whitaker as crazed Ugandan dictator Idi Amin? What could be more uplifting than the story of an African president who uses Voodoo, rape and torture to prove that he is the best lover in Africa. Or who would talk to the frozen heads of his enemies and practice cannibalism. And Americans thought disco, polyester, and roller rings were the worst trends in the 70s. Personally I am stoked that the world will get to see an Oscar caliber portrayal of the leader who catapulted on the world stage during the 1976 Entebbe hostage situation where Israeli commandos had to save their hijacked citizens from a plane that was delivered to the insane Ugandan leader. Shortly after that situation ended with Amin having the only un-liberated hostage killed, he declared himself the Hitler of Africa and promised to erect a statue of his hero for the whole world to see. Amin's idea of genocide was to make all the Asians swim back home. Hilarious fun for the whole family!
