 | Derek Jeter doesn't even need a striped shirt to look great. |
NEW YORK -- Derek Jeter has wondered throughout his career why he draws the ire of so many opposing fans.
However, his latest electronic acquisition -- a digital video recorder -- has clued him in.
"I've been looking to spend a little more time at home and away from the park, without sacrificing anything," explained Jeter. "So I got a DVR through my cable provider to record baseball games, so that I could watch game footage at home."
He was shocked to learn of the excessive adulation and fawning bestowed upon him by some of the games announcers.
"No wonder why everybody around the country hates me, said a flustered Jeter. I had no idea about the spoken suck-job I was getting every time the camera panned to me."
Jeter did admit that hes almost glad that he finally understands the average fans contempt for him.
I thought that guys were just jealous, said Jeter. You hit it with Jessica Alba and Mariah Carey in the same lifetime, some guys are just gonna hate you no matter what. But some of these commentators are worse than my mother after three glasses of merlot, the way they gush about me.
I was watching one game last month, and the booth guys spent 10 minutes talking about how nobody ran out a grounder better than I did. Technique, footwork, everything.
And the worst part is, it was a Phillies-Marlins game, bemoaned Jeter.
Two of the most egregious offenders, FOX Sports Joe Buck and Tim McCarver, remained unapologetic for their bias.
A player of Jeters caliber only comes along once every five lifetimes, began Buck. But a player that looks as good as he does doing it only comes along every 10!
Hes a handsome man, Jack [sic], thats for sure, continued McCarver. Ive heard a lot of second baseman [sic] scheduling some electoral [sic] surgery procedures for the offseason, to try and narrow the gap between themselves and the plateau of beauty that Jeter rests atop, but, I gotta tell you, Jim [sic], its all in vain.
With the MLB playoffs under way, Jeter said he realizes that the problem will only be exacerbated for the month of October, but he pleaded with those involved with the game of baseball to restrain their personal exuberance, at least in person.
 | You try doing your job with images of this obese wildabeast fluttering through your horrified mind. |
I know how much more exciting playoff baseball is, said Jeter. but as exciting as it is for fans, its also that much more stressful and draining for me. And any off-the-field distractions I can avoid, Id really appreciate it. Remember that little series with the Red Sox back in 2004, when I only hit .200? To wish me luck, Charley Steiner left an envelope full of nude glossies in my locker.
Needless to say, its kind of hard to get an image like that out of your head, especially when youve got 95-mph cheese bearing down on you.
Jeter even went so far as to offer an alternative for his amorous affiliates. Cant everyone go nip at A-Rods teats, just for a couple of series? Hes a former MVP, a multi-millionaire, he frosts his hair. And the best part is, no one expects anything out of that smug prick any more. Me, though? I actually have to produce after the fifth inning.
 |
