 | If only there was more of this, we'd be closer to a cure. |
WASHINGTON, DC: In a press conference this Wednesday, Susan G. Koman Foundation spokesperson Carol Meany announced that the ongoing research efforts to find a cure for breast cancer were all set financially, thank you.
It makes me proud to be an American to know that this entire country has banded together to make every single retail and food product item for sale in the US somehow benefit the battle against breast cancer, Meany stated, looking worn, But I think were going be ok.
Meany, who took on the role of spokesperson four years ago when her 98-year-old Grandmother died tragically of breast cancer, was dressed from head-to-toe in the traditional we hate breast cancer color pink. Pink hat from Louis Vuittons Fashion Fights to Find a Cure line, pink sweater and underlaying tee-shirt from Targets new Hey Guys, We Hate Breast Cancer, Too campaign and the new pink Kick Breast Cancer loafers from Keds. She went on to explain the radical new path the Koman Foundation would be taking in the coming year.
As you know, due completely to the overdone generosity of such companies as Yoplait Yogurt, Starbucks, Jiffy Lube Oil Change, Wal-Mart, Poloroid, Pepsi, Suave Deodrant, Swansons Microwave Meals, Dove Handsoap, CSI: Miami, Kleenex Tissues, Ed Mullinax Ford of Amherst, Ohio, Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper and Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper, Rosie ODonnell and other countless, self-serving celebrities, and these stupid pink wristbands, the fund for breast cancer research is now at $145 billion dollars. Weve decided to budget that into three different categories, Meany said as she pulled out a large graph.
The US government is lacking support for public schools and our nations impoverished citizens. We at the Susan G. Koman Foundation have decided to split our profits between breast cancer research, funding schools in America and helping our nations homeless. Meanys plan was met with instant hostility, as could be expected.
The outcry at the announcement spread quickly with many anti-breast cancer organizations pulling their campaigns immediately in protest. Selma Hayek, the face of MAC makeups pink Breast Cancer is Totally Not Sexy makeup line, made this formal statement soon after the press conference:
 | Pamela supports the cause by rubbing it in. |
This sickens me. That money is to go to funding the quest to find magic beans that will cure breast cancer. It is to make the scientists working on the cure work faster. And it is to create new opportunities for celebrities to have their picture taken while handing out water at breast cancer races. To know that our efforts are now being divided personally hurts my feelings. I can be the face of the Anti-Homeless Campaign or whatever, but to lump three causes into one just makes me look stupid. At the end of the day, the celebrity endorser is the one who loses.
Reginald Dickson helms the Chicago branch of the Koman Foundation and has decided to take a stand against his boss insane plan.
Its absolutely ridiculous. I didnt personally organize 700 races for the cure in this past year alone to have my money spent so irresponsibly, he stated hotly, I think the solution is very clear. We have over $145 billion dollars. With that money, we could make sure EVERY SINGLE PERSON in the WORLD can have a little pink ribbon. Think about that. Every person from here to Namibia, even the starving children who have nothing to live for, can all look down at their pink ribbon and say, I am AWARE. And awareness, my friends, is the cure.
 | New Tropicak Splash! For the Cure! |
Despite the public outpouring of negativity, Carol Meany means to press on.
Its tough fighting against the majority and all those celebrities wanting to do commercials where they appear in black and white photographs kissing cancer patients on the bald head, but I know what Im doing. The truth is, cures for cancer are hard! Theyre just hard, Jesus! I mean, we have all the money and time in the world and we arent any closer to a cure. Honestly, theyre just fucking around in those research labs. Sometimes they race the lab rats after injecting them with crystal meth - which reminds me, Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas wanted to film a PSA where she lets the world know that she did crystal meth once and that she knew a guy whos aunt had breast cancer, sighed Meany, So I gotta get back on the horn.
In an effort to help, The Phat Phree has set up a foundation to help keep money away from breast cancer research - The Double Ps Double-D Surgery Fund. All of the proceeds go to helping up-and-coming strippers afford breast augmentation, thereby straightforwardly laughing in the face of breast cancer. So do your part and save a breast by helping to fill it with toxic fluid that subsequently makes it hard to diagnose breast cancer.
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