"God, please don't make me pull that handle I know where those hands have been" is all I can think about sometimes. I mean, Ive dug a shit trench in the middle of the jungle and built a latrine, but that was in dutiful service to my country. I have even wiped my ass with tree bark, an M-16 clip and a severed human hand. So I think its safe to say that Im no pussy. Any human will do what they gotta do when put in an extreme situation, but that is no excuse for poor design flaws. The simple fact of the matter is that all public bathroom doors should swing out from the inside. I should be able to lean my shoulder into and push with having to touch anything. Anyone who has been to a Maggies Irish Pub or a Detroit Tigers game knows what the fuck I am talking about. The mens room is a cesspool of germs, bacteria and all manner of bodily waste. Dont architects remember the fucking plague? Theres a reason why we dont throw buckets of shit into the streets anymore. As much as I know I can handle it, I know how many guys shake their little Cobra Commanders and get piss on their hands. I myself have even folded the toilet paper wrong and gotten some man mud on my fingers. The frightening part is how 80% of men look in the mirror, check their fly, straighten their shirt, and then walk right the shit out of the bathroom touching everything in site but the fucking sink! These same guys who now have a salty golden glimmer on their fingers are the same guys wont use a fork that dropped on a freshly vacuumed floor.
This presents a problem for me as I am standing in the john the other day after melting about two pounds of yellowed ice. I have touched my penis and knowing where it has been I have wisely chosen to wash my hands, but lo and behold there is this cold metal handle beckoning at me to pull open the vacuum-sealed bathroom door. Do I A). Say fuck it and just grab the handle and let the fungus from another mans crotch touch my freshly sterilized hand? B). Wait for that dude blowing ass that sounds like he is pouring tens cans of creamed corn into a mixing bowl from ten feet up to come out and open the door for me? C). Try the pinky grab where I use my most useless phalange to try to heave open the door by only touching the top part of that handle that looks the cleanest? D) Damnit theres gotta be some cleaning products around here somewhere. Maybe I can shake a can of Comet at it from three feet away and do the whole world a favor. Cough, hack, wheeze. Shit, now I gotta deal with an anthrax like powder cloud and a dump covered exit. E). Use the paper towel I was drying my hands with to wrap around the handle as I open. This might be an option if no one witnesses this ultimate act of gayness, besides half these johns have air dryers with funny limericks scratched into the instructions or those revolving cloth things that feel like you are wiping your hands with a soiled babys diaper. Thats no better than just grabbing the fucking handle. Nope the best choice is F). Pull out my leatherman and take the door off the fucking hinges. If it swings in, the hinges are on the inside too. Just pull those pins and walk on out like we used to do to those civie huts back in Nam. If some one sees me doing it at least Ill look manly and can tell them that I am affecting an emergency field repair or something. Too bad all the people in the back of this Chilis are gonna get a nasty whiff of the revenge of Captain Ass Blasts mexican trio appetizer sampler. But that is better than having some other mans ringworm fungus, Hershey squirts or urine on my fingers when I eat those baby back ribs. Living with civilians is supposed to be civilized, so architects of the world please make your public bathroom doors swing out instead of in.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
If someone told me that I was gonna be in movie where I got Jessica Simpson and then I showed up for a table read and Dax Sheppard was there I would have to seriously wondered just what wall Ashton was gonna jump out from behind and tell me I was being Punkd. But sadly for the rest of us, it was no joke. Not only does Kutch not have the time to punk anyone since he had the number one and two movies last week, but Dane Cook really did get that part. It has to make you wonder who he had to super finger on the casting couch. Im hoping it was Penny Marshall. Ick. Anyway, Dax and he of the many MySpace friends square off in a battle of petty one-upsmanship for the affections of a girl. Hmmmn, sounds startlingly familiar. Oh, thats because the same movie came out last week called School For Scoundrels where Slingblade and Napoleon Dynamite hit each other with tennis balls to try to win over the girl. Yippee. Only difference here being that Dane and Dax work at a Costco type joint and the girl has a thing for the employee of the month whose picture hangs on the wall. That may finally explain Mookies age old question, How come we cant get no brothas on the wall. Well the answer is that Jessica Simpson wouldnt sleep with them anyway.
Is it just me or do I need to get the sensitivity meter on my gaydar adjusted, because Dane Cook really strikes me as a pole smoker. Maybe its that girlie laugh, or his affinity for jokes that at best seem like one liners from "Pop-up Videos". No, its the fucking way he puts his hands on his waist and sticks his hips out. "Vicious Circle" is the worst, not because of the jokes so much as the fact that I have to watch that fuck walk around like a pissed Jackee on "227". His exaggerated body movements and bizarre gestures say only one thing to me, drag queen. With that weird throat full of come voice and his girl-man hybrid motions he would make the best Cher impersonator out there. In fact, I can almost guarantee that Cher outfit from the video on the naval carrier would definitely be more entertaining than another 20 minutes on the spray settings for a bottle of Windex or watching Danes semi-charmed kinda life lead him to a lip lock with Jessica Built To Fuck But Not To Read Simpson. You are a lucky dumb fuck Dane. But I draw the line at Jay Davis. You get a pass, but your boy better stay in his house watching "700 Club" unless he wants to catch silverback gorilla like beatdown at the Comedy Store. Pauly Shore gets pissed when comics bomb worse than him.
Well that certainly brings new meaning to the term if you cant beat em, join em. Throughout the years there have been many interchangeable actors. Mark Harmon and Kevin Costner were essentially the same guy for 3 years early in their careers. Paxton and Pullman still get people all twisted. Joe Schmo host, Ralph Garmin, is virtually indistinguishable from talking head John Henson except one has that grey skunk patch. Still havent figured out which one though. And I defy someone to prove that Josh Lucas and Mathew McConaghey have ever been in the same place at the same time. Those guys are more identical than the Olsen twins, who are easy to tell apart. One counts all the money while the other pukes up the cake she just ate. For years Matt Damon, Leo DiCaprio, and Mark Wahlberg fought brutal Hollywood battles with each other for the same parts, but in the end it really didnt matter. Sure no one wouldve believed the prosthetic on Leo as a porn star and I agree that Damon probably wasnt pretty enough for Titanic. But none of them would have made Planet of The Apes any better or worse. DiCaprio surely could have also convinced Kevin Smith to write Good Will Hunting for him. And I am almost positive that Marky Mark would have played an excellent retard alongside Johnny Depp. If you dont believe me hit up YouTube and watch the video for Good Vibrations again.
But these three guys are not in fact the same guy. Similar, but the difference between them and Hollywood doppelgangers of the past is that these guys are all pretty huge stars. Put them together in a Scorsese and all of the sudden the days of fighting for the same parts will seem like the distant past compared to the critical acclaim and lasting cult following. And believe me when I say that this is the next great mob movie. Clear some space in your DVD rack between Casino and Goodfellas because The Departed is guaranteed to rank among the greats. Sure the plot is eerily similar to State Of Grace, but with no overacting Sean Penn trying to Al Pacino his way to greatness this movie will leave are far more lasting mark on the world of organized crime movies. Thank god Scorsese finally decided on a different city other than New York for an epic underworld tale because it gives him a chance to do two things he hasnt been able to do yet, make a good movie with Leo and cast Jack You Cant Handle The Truth Nicholson as the fucking Mob boss. Sorry Bobby D, youre gonna have to sit this one out. Sure itd be great to have Pesci turn in another one of those great moments like, You made me pop your eye out for Charlie M!, but hes been playing that part since Raging Bull.
Jack is more than capable of filling the void and Leo proves why he is the highest paid leading man in his age bracket. Throw in flawless supporting moments by Marky Mark, Alec Baldwin and former president Martin Sheen and the only thing left to suck is Matt Damon who at least got cast in the more subtle role so thered be less for him to screw up. The plot, as complicated as it may seem with its whose gonna get discovered first story, is very simple. A good cop (DiCaprio) struggles with what he has to become to go undercover in mobster Frank Costellos (Nicholson) organization, while at the same time the mobsters protg (Damon) has been groomed to infiltrate the Staties (Massachusetts State Police). Everyone else just gets to have a cool accent, eat clam chowduh and listen to those awful sounds Scorsese uses when someone is catching a beatdown. One of the reasons Scorsese movies are so good has got to be the fact that a kick to the gut sounds more like beating a newborn with a Louisville slugger. That shit would make Chuck Liddell squirm in his seat. I wont ruin anymore of the movie, but I will tell you that there is a reason beyond the stellar cast why this is the largest opening (3017 screens) for a Scorsese, you will see it and you will like it. If not this weekend then 3 years from now when USA has a marathon with Goodfellas, Casino, and The Departed back to back as the new classic trilogy in cinema.
Once again the Networks are more mixed up than Halle Berrys gene pool. Black folks are getting the shuffle like William Refrigerator Perry. The entire black out night on the CWs Sunday schedule is being swapped for the Monday night line-up. Apparently black folks like cartoons, football and even Andy Rooney more than the Girlfriends spinoff The Game. Too bad the CW is going to be sadly disappointed when they find out that that black folks also like Monday Night Football, pro wrestling, and shows about breaking out of jail just as much. For real counter programming they should jump to Tuesday and face off against the power house combo of Nova and Frontline.
Mr. Blakvaginafinda himself Kirk Sticky Jones just cant win. His cameos on The Shield landed him some real gigs on Over There and then this season as the poor mans Wesley Snipes on Blade. Too bad hes getting shit canned for more TNA wrestling on Spike. Apparently Spike is betting that men in tights and reruns of CSI will make them more money than anything starring a crossed eyed black dude. Personally I think they were on the right track with Blade but they missed the boat. Instead of trying to get all Interview with a Vampire they should have gone a little more Jungle Fever. The vampire sex was heating up and the partial nudity was great but Blade wasnt getting any. The dude is an immortal, super human daywalker and he still cant get any white pussy? What the fuck! This is why we will always be stuck with shows like "Grey's Anatomy" instead of shows like Blade. Everyone gets some ass on "Greys" regardless of color, though I noticed that Isiah not quite Denzel Washington got the asian chick instead of a white girl. At least hes getting some kind of ass. But, I guess Blade was getting his yellow fever on Green Hornet style too with his little Asian boy underling. I hope Blade wrapped it up so he doesnt get bird flu.
"Studio 60 on The Sunset Strip" is domed. Just like those old Dennis Miller monologues, America is not going to take kindly to a show that requires a dictionary on hand for comprehension. Of course all of us reviewers love it, because we actually get it, but outside of major markets on the coasts nobody is watching. Sure they understand that it is about how a fake "SNL" works, but most people have no clue what the fuck a cold open or a focus group are, nor why these things have any dramatic impact. The average American can understand that it is sweet for a Midwest small town girl to be able to stick her hand in a garbage disposal and have the fingers heal themselves, but they seem to be disinterested in a bunch of drunk driving, coke snorting, rich lefties. Big surprise. I still like "Studio 60" because it really is smart, but just because something is smart does not make it entertainment. People who want to be talked down to watch Dr. Phil not Mathew Perry.
In the battle of abductions it looks like everyone will lose. Foxs Vanished is dissapearing from its prime slot following "Prison Break" and heading to what is affectionately known as the DNR wing of TV, Friday night. NBCs "Kidnapped" however got almost no reaction from audiences. They might want to consider letting one of the actors actually react to the fact that dead bodies are piling up and a kid has been napped, but what do I know. Apparently dramtic acting is overated on dramas. Sadly for Vanished the show actually seemed to be going somewhere. The show even took a cue from its successful Fox brother Prison Break by bringing in another ABC castaway from last seasons Invasion. But even Eddie Cibrian and a town full of hybrids cant bring a show back from the shallow grave of Friday Night.
My mother always told me say something nice or dont say anything at all, which is pretty much why I stopped talking to her in 1972. But I can say this, Smith and The Nine both prove that TV needs more robbers to go with its cops, and the overwhelming audience turn out for Heroes proves the America still loves its men in tights regardless of whether they are the kind that fly off turnbuckles or fly off buildings. I predict all three of those shows will still be around next year along with "Ugly Betty", which I actually laughed at. Many people say it's too much like Devil Wears Prada, but I would never watch something that gay so I wouldn't know. What do you mean why would I watch "Betty" then. Ummn, I heard Salma Hayek had a cameo? Fine you caught me. I have also been known to watch "The Bold and The Beautiful" on occasion too, but those chicks are fucking hot. Beats rubbing one out to Lucy and Ethel if I'm home during the day.
1. Sorry my column is going up a bit late this week, but I have been in the kind of F8 computer hell that should be reserved for IRS auditors. Heres the question though, if you had one of the super powers from the characters on Heroes what would you do with it? I would use the power to slow down time at the strip club. I know for a fact that My Humps is not 47 seconds long. Every DJ in the world wants to play the twenty minute version of a song except a strip club DJ who apparently gets versions that were edited to be TV commercials. $80 for three songs in the Champagne Room should last more tan 2 minutes and 15 seconds.
2. No pic this week due to computer issues, but I would like to know what the worst experience youve ever had in a public restroom is or any pet peeve you might have about dealing with people in public places.
3. Can you think of any other famous people who were seperated at birth?
#2 Posted: 10/15/2006by: matt i was wastedc one night and wondering the streets of Hermosa at 4 am.there was no place open and i had to take the browns somwhere. so after much searching i ended up in an alley squating behind a dumpster and then wiped the evidence with the freshly deleivred LA timers. Iw3alked back eventually, the sun rising over the Pacific illuminating my shame. fine. P.P.S. Posted: 10/14/2006by: Phil antony, are you serious?! You had the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie ruined? How the hell do you not know what happens, and who gives a shit? If it's 8 billion times more entertaining than the original, and 4 billion times better than each sequel and the remake, it will still suck ass. I'm tired of people pretending like that b-level suckfest was a classic. Halloween makes TChsawM look about as scary and well-written as an Owen Wilson film. I hate Dane Cook Posted: 10/14/2006by: Phil Thank you Napalm for being the first person I've ever heard from that shares my distaste for Dane Cook. The dude is more effeminate than Jerry Seinfeld, and doesn't ever make up for it by just being funny. Not once. He's a joke, and his shows suck. Hey, how's about you say 'Tourgasm' or make that assinine hand gesture again? Tool.
P.S. Ernesto, if Elias Koteas' name isn't permanently ingrained into your mind, and you really have to IMDB that one, you need to take a good long look at your life and where it's headed. Hot lunched my Hanes Posted: 10/8/2006by: gabe When I was about eighteen, flying from Dallas to Reno after spending an entire two hour layover at the Cheer's bar ordering the extra shot for a dollar and slamming as many Jack in Cokes on the plane as the stewardess would give me because some ticket agent was dumb enough to upgrade my redneck ass to first class, we hit a little turbulence I think it shook something loose inside so I went to the lav to leave a chit. As I am sitting there growing a tail, I realized I had to hurl and with no place to go combined with an involuntary straightening of the neck, I filled up my jeans. I ended up having to scoop out a bourbon cheeseburger smoothie with my hands. Never in my life have I wished I had a parachute more than when I walked back to my seat. Am I a terrorist? FUCK! Posted: 10/6/2006by: antony i just had the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie ruined for me, all because some stupid fuck can't tell the difference between the word "faith" and "fate"... i just wanna jab my thumb in someone's eye-ball and shake them around now...where's delphi? #3 Posted: 10/6/2006by: Big Red That dude Jonathan on Survivor: Cook Islands sounds exactly like Alan Alda. It kind of creeps me out. #2 Posted: 10/6/2006by: Dave B When I was 10 years old and playing little league, I had to shit so incredibly bad, but the bathroom at the fields was so bad that I refused, so as I was playing 2nd base on this blisteringly hot day I ended up shitting my pants and then puking. It didn't happen in the bathroom, but it happened because of the bathroom.
Oh and good stuff, Napalm Christine Posted: 10/6/2006by: Drawz That is fantastic. The men's room at Keena's is disgusting and filled with Striped Shirts and some bouncer/bathroom attendent who looks like Wilfred Brimley. I can only imagine what the women's can looks like.
BTW, in our Bike Tour, we have a draft the night before and you get points for doing beers or shots. You get penalized for going night-night in a bar. Great as Always Posted: 10/6/2006by: Atlas I always come back to read your stuff Napalm. You consistantly write spot on entertaining reviews while mixing in violence and guns. You should write for the Economist.
1) I would like the healing superpower.
2)Got hit with the runs and entered the nearest shitter. Turned out it was the womens bathroom. Two young girls came in and took turns shitting their brains out and laughing about it. I was mortified that if I tried to get out while they were in there they would scream and i would get arrested. Thank god they didn't check out the size 11 sneaks in stall 2 and started yelling. Longest 5 minutes of my life.
3) The twins from the Sweet Valley Twins show look a lot like Jamie Presley. Best threesome ever. #3 Posted: 10/6/2006by: DLamp Dane Cook and Ryan Reynolds.
Rob Van Dam and Jean Claude Van Damme. Seriously, look at their faces, it's creepy.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
If someone told me that I was gonna be in movie where I got Jessica Simpson and then I showed up for a table read and Dax Sheppard was there I would have to seriously wondered just what wall Ashton was gonna jump out from behind and tell me I was being Punkd. But sadly for the rest of us, it was no joke. Not only does Kutch not have the time to punk anyone since he had the number one and two movies last week, but Dane Cook really did get that part. It has to make you wonder who he had to super finger on the casting couch. Im hoping it was Penny Marshall. Ick. Anyway, Dax and he of the many MySpace friends square off in a battle of petty one-upsmanship for the affections of a girl. Hmmmn, sounds startlingly familiar. Oh, thats because the same movie came out last week called School For Scoundrels where Slingblade and Napoleon Dynamite hit each other with tennis balls to try to win over the girl. Yippee. Only difference here being that Dane and Dax work at a Costco type joint and the girl has a thing for the employee of the month whose picture hangs on the wall. That may finally explain Mookies age old question, How come we cant get no brothas on the wall. Well the answer is that Jessica Simpson wouldnt sleep with them anyway. 
Well that certainly brings new meaning to the term if you cant beat em, join em. Throughout the years there have been many interchangeable actors. Mark Harmon and Kevin Costner were essentially the same guy for 3 years early in their careers. Paxton and Pullman still get people all twisted. Joe Schmo host, Ralph Garmin, is virtually indistinguishable from talking head John Henson except one has that grey skunk patch. Still havent figured out which one though. And I defy someone to prove that Josh Lucas and Mathew McConaghey have ever been in the same place at the same time. Those guys are more identical than the Olsen twins, who are easy to tell apart. One counts all the money while the other pukes up the cake she just ate. For years Matt Damon, Leo DiCaprio, and Mark Wahlberg fought brutal Hollywood battles with each other for the same parts, but in the end it really didnt matter. Sure no one wouldve believed the prosthetic on Leo as a porn star and I agree that Damon probably wasnt pretty enough for Titanic. But none of them would have made Planet of The Apes any better or worse. DiCaprio surely could have also convinced Kevin Smith to write Good Will Hunting for him. And I am almost positive that Marky Mark would have played an excellent retard alongside Johnny Depp. If you dont believe me hit up YouTube and watch the video for Good Vibrations again.
