HOLLYWOOD A famous personality, who is known for his unapologetic, out-of-control, violent history, may have finally crossed the line late last evening at a popular Hollywood night spot. A long difficult nightmare is over for a large legion of percussion enthusiasts. While mainstream America has been neglectful of the threat, drummers from famous rock bands have known of this dangerous predator for decades. Phil Collins faced the threat last evening, and survived to tell the story in his thick, indecipherable accent that completely vanishes every time he sings. Collins suffered critical injuries while withstanding an attack from Animal, of The Muppet Show fame. It seems that Animal, 28, began arguing with Collins, 55, late in the evening concerning who was the better drummer and which of their bands were the best of the eighties. It was later discovered that the argument over the best band of the eighties was actually over the the best band of the eighties in which the members still couldnt get laid, even though they were in a band. Genesis and The Muppet Band have always been the lone members of this rare breed. Collins tried to settle the argument with Animal by ordering a bottle of expensive champagne. The scenario quickly escalated into full-blown violence when Animal belted out a war cry. He then smashed the bottle of Cristal across Collins face and wedged a salad fork into his kidney. Club security intervened just in time as Animal was attempting to chew off Collins arms. Several bouncers, a Taser, pepper spray, and a flyswatter were needed to restrain Animal.
Other victims of Animals violence towards other drummers have been coming forward since news of the Collins attack broke.
Rick Allen, drummer of Def Leppard, was not as lucky as Collins. He was viciously mauled decades ago by Animal at a coke-snorting/hooker banging contest at Bret Micheals house. His arm was ripped violently from the socket by the teeth of the same orange, mop-headed, lunatic who was fiendishly riding out a PCP kick like a rodeo cowboy in fast-forward. Animal just smiled after the attack and moved onto a new activity like a child switching video games. He performed an amazing rendition of the drum solo from Wipeout with his thumbs on the ass of a prostitute named Chiquita Butt-nana. Allen claimed that the recent attack brought back difficult memories. He sent us this press release.
Animal is a fucking piece of shit. He ate my arm. I hate Animal.
Friends of Animal were disappointed, but far from surprised, when informed of the news. Fozzy Bear, a Muppet co-star, reacted by stating, Animal had some serious demons. He loved booze, prescription pain killers, illicit drugs, and murdering. I just cant understand how people are surprised by this. Seriously, how didnt anyone ever question Animals character when he used to work on The Muppet Show? He growled all the time, spoke in one word sentences, and violently jerked every time he moved. If a guy acted like that at your office, you wouldnt invite him to happy-hour or speak to him in the hallway. My guess is that most people would expect him to be a vicious, blood-thirsty killer wakka wakka wakka.
Phil Collins was held overnight at the hospital and is slowly recovering. He will probably be released within the week. He considered himself lucky as he spoke in a voice that rivaled the understandability of a drunk leprechaun eating a bag of Cheetos and Starburst Fruit Chews at a Metallica concert. We think he said something about being super awesome, and that Animal is a dick. Our news crew congratulated him on his survival, wished him a speedy recovery, and complemented him on working with that guy in Genesis that had the super-ultra-gay beard. Phil gave us all high fives and bought us apple pies from McDonalds at the hospital food court.
 | I hate Animal. It was his office that was illustrated on the cover of Pyromania. |
As for Animal, he is facing several felonious charges, including a charge concerning a large amount of methamphetamines that were found in the trunk of his Neon. Animal chose to serve as his own council and released a short statement within hours of the arrest.
Animal dance rahhhh
Our crew smiled nervously and left the room gracious to have both arms attached and skin covering our bodies.
The entertainment world has been buzzing about this story since it broke early this morning. Longtime Muppet Show critics, Statler and Waldorf, gave us their outlook on the tragic story, while perched high upon their traditional curtained balcony.
Even though Animal was bit strange and eccentric, stated Statler, Ive always considered him to be a good egg.
 | Statler and Waldorf |
Yes, remarked Waldorf, an EGG-cellent, murderous, meth-mouthed psycho. Both men started to laugh uncontrollably at their own joke. They continued to slap their knees without mercy.
A press conference is scheduled later this afternoon to release more info about the event.
Nanny was unavailable for comment.
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