TEMPE, AZ (TPP) -- After several disappointing years in the NFL, the storied career of Kurt Warner, which took him from grocery bagger to Super Bowl MVP, has now come full circle as Warner has signed on as the starting bag boy for Albertson's Grocery in Tempe, AZ.
Warner, who once inked a massive endorsement deal with Cambell's Chunky Soup, can now be found stocking shelves with that very same soup, for 5.75 an hr, every Saturday-Thursday between the hours of 7am and 4pm.
While many critics claim he is past his prime, Warner still feels he has what it takes to be competitive in the fast paced world of bagging groceries.
"I'm a born leader," Warner told reporters, "and born leaders put other people's groceries into bags for them. Galatians 12:24. Praise Jesus."
The 2% milk is on sale. Praise Jesus.
Assistant Weekend Shift Manager, Dewayne Thompson, has been monitoring Warner's offseason workouts, which consist of Kurt reciting his favorite bible verses while cashiers slide fruit and canned meats towards him at moderately high speeds.
'When Kurt feels pressured, he does have an odd tendency to fall down and hurl the groceries 10-20 feet past the bags," Thompson remarked. "Sometimes he lofts them into the bags of people who aren't even in his lane."
Despite the shaky start, Warner remains stoically optimistic. "Luckily I have the support of my loving wife to pull me through. We have the same supercut flat top, and she's always there to cheer me on from the coin operated pony near the door. Proverbs 14:9. Amen."
The franchise, Jimmy Vestin
While having a veteran presence on the weekend staff should prove to be beneficial, Albertsons management has hired on 16-year old Jimmy Vestin as it looks towards the future.
Sure, Jimmy has potential, but does he know not to put the milk with the bread, (or) the cleaning supplies with the meat?" Warner smirked. "Those are intangibles you just cant teach! Romans 7:13."
Insider sources predict that by Thanksgiving weekend, Vestin will be named starter, as Warner will most likely tear his MCL chasing down a misguided shopping cart or suffer a concussion from bumping into the Vienna Sausage display on aisle 5.
My homepage Posted: 10/28/2006by: Gina Nice site! My homepage | Please visit My homepage Posted: 10/27/2006by: Vicky Thank you! My homepage | Please visit Crown his @$$? Posted: 10/26/2006by: Meltdown Is Kurt Warner who Dennis Green thought he was? Did he let him off the hook? nice Posted: 10/18/2006by: skee-lo same supercut flat top. Denny Green Posted: 10/18/2006by: Tom A Most overrated coach ever. All he does is throw people under the bus. This will now be his third O-Coordinator in less than 3 years in Arizona. He had 6 or so D-Coordinators in MN, including 4 in the last 6 years. Every year, 4th graders everywhere would say that the Vikings needed to improve their defense via the draft and free agency, and every year Denny would draft offensive players, let a couple of his very few decent D players go to free agency, and not sign anybody new. Then he would wonder why the defense sucked, and he would find a new player or coach to scapegoat after each game. He would publicly ridicule a CB who played like shit, demote the guy, and then reinsert him in the starting line-up three weeks later. He actually converted the 5th WR to a DB and then STARTED the dude at corner! At the end of the year, he would fire all his defensive coaches, except the worst one of all - his buddy from college Freddy Solomon, who, ironically was the fucking coach of the DB's (who performed like shit every year, primarily because the minute they got to be decent, and wanted a little money, Denny would cut them loose and talk about how they only thrived "in the system, and the system will succeed with or without them" Uh, Denny? It fucking did neither, you fat-assed whiny-voiced piece of arrogant shit).
Horrible, horrible game coach, too. Horrnendous clock management, terrible game plans and the absolute REFUSAL to change when things obviously aren't working (how about that game when the "game plan" apparently was to allow Peyton Manning to throw 8-12 yard outs at will? Even that suck-up asshole Madden was wondering outloud what the fuck was going on with that).
Oh, and the first thing he did when he was named Arizona's head coach? He hired Richard Fucking Solomon. Seriously. Solomon has to have pictures of Denny with the Vienna Boys' Choir. He couldn't coach Paris Hilton's legs open. And Denny isn't any better (except that Denny would somehow find a way to blame his failure to get Paris fucked on the special teams' coach).
Denny also is great at ruining quaterbacks' confidence. He will screw up Linehart - mark my words. Linehart will have a bad game later this year, or next year, and Denny will throw him under the bus. Then he'll bring in Jeff George or Shawn Salisbury for a workoput - sign him to a deal, and put him in. Then he'll toss him under the bus, too. At the end of the year, he'll fire a bunch of his coaches (but not his buddy Richard S.). If anyone questions him, he'll arrognatly pronounce that they don't understand football, are racist, or both. The national media will continue to kiss his ass. Lather, rinse, repeat.
The only reason Denny had success in MN was because he had phenomenal coordinators (Dungy and Billick) for a while, and when they left, he sucked. The Queens never should have let Dungy get away, and if not for Red McCombs' senility, they wouldn't have.
Denny is fat, too.
That is all. Offensive Coordinator Posted: 10/18/2006by: cam The Cards have now fired their O. Coordinator. Denny, your time is limited. I liked Warner quoting bible verses after everything he said. well done. mike tice Posted: 10/18/2006by: deuce right - because laughing in the face of "analysis" worked so well for you.... tice is nice Posted: 10/18/2006by: Mike tice why don't you d-bags spend more time analyzing the intricacies of a game in which grown men spend years of their life fretting over how to move an inflated piece of leather. and fuck denny green. cialis drug impotence, Good site Posted: 10/17/2006by: cialis drug impotence, sonjas@gmail.com>cialis drug impotence, Alex cialis drug impotence cialis drug impotence, Good site Posted: 10/17/2006by: cialis drug impotence, sonjas@gmail.com>cialis drug impotence, Alex cialis drug impotence
