In my day you were the shit if you could figure out how to make your tank jump randomly through walls in the 2600 version of Combat, but now it seems like the entire entertainment industry is depending on one stupid black box becoming the hottest Xmas present since Molest Me Elmo. That box is the soon to be released, powerful enough to fly the Space Shuttle, Sony PS3, but heres what I dont get. At $699 it is the most expensive game system ever released and Sony still loses $200 a unit. What kind of backwards as company does business that way. I know we bombed the Japanese so hard that they all still have two shadows, but I always had the sons of Hirohito pegged as pretty keen businessmen. All those fuel efficient tiny cars and sleek electronics made me think these guys had their head in the game. But a $200 deficit per unit is the stupidest loss leading idea since 10 cent beer night at Municipal Stadium. But alas I should have seen it coming. The problem is that Sony is too fucking smart for their own good. They want to corner the market on High Definition DVD so they hinged this whole system on a Blu-Ray drive. If they can get one of those in your house they can afford to lose money on the system because youll buy their movies for a fifth time on this new format and everyone else who makes a movie on this format will have to shell them out a few bucks too. Apparently these guys dont remember mini-disc or betamax. A few of Sonys other fine proprietary creations.
Heres the secret guys, everything in the technology world hinges on porn not video games. So your computer only runs as fast as is required by your newest video game, but there would be no internet outside of the military and college campuses if someone hadnt started trading audio files of Jill Kellys gutter mouth fuck talk. VHS beat the pants out of the superior quality of Beta because of porn tape trading. And if you think anyone is gonna buy a video game system just because it is more powerful then youve got another thing coming. Nintendos Wii system is the talk of all the gamers out there because even with half the processing power it has some new fangled controller that lets you interact with the games. Xbox 360 is in the mix because most developers have committed to putting out their games across both platforms. The power of the PS3 is more useless than the flap of skin behind my balls if all the programmers are still making games for whatever the weakest system out there is. Sorry Ethan Albright, your never gonna get any faster if the programmers dont give you a boost. Even Sonys online network has more bugs Brooklyn brownstone. Plus with a paltry 2 million units shipping for Xmas even the people who want one will probably have to settle for a different platform.
Unless PS3 comes with a live action version of Leisure Suit Larry Goes Gonzo I just dont see anyone shelling out more than the price of a new Dell for a box that cant immediately allow its user access to an infinite amount of Scheie, bukkake, and any other foreign word for a disgusting sex act that you can imagine. Way to fuck it up again Sony. If Nintendo wins this time Jesse can put a plaque up for you next to the 97 Cleveland Indians on the Wall of Shame. I wonder if he could transfer the curse of Rocky Colavito to you like those stupid Grudge movies.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Contrary to popular belief John Hughes is still kicking. Sure he might not be the one actually making these movies or setting them in the familiar Chicago backdrop of his classics like Ferris Bueller and The Breakfast Club. But his concepts of high drama in high school are still as relevant today as ever. Even the adult ideas these days are just like those classic movies from the 80s. I mean "Greys Anatomy" really is just high school with scalpels, isnt it? Sex, social climbing, and what everyone else thinks about you are the common themes that have preoccupied every women from the moment that Sally Williams got more Valentines Day cards than everyone else in the 2nd grade. It doesnt matter if its the backstabbing drama of Heathers, Mean Girls, or 16 Candles, even the girl at the top thinks shes an outsider. And now an Austrian Born princess during the French revolution gets her chance to be Pygmalion. Its like greek tragedy turned 80s teen comedy turned period drama turned back into high school dramedy. Or something uber post-modernistic like that. Fuck a virgin suicide, I might just slit my own wrists trying to figure out where this is going.
Anyway, this teenage daydream from Francis Fords sperm that got away, Sophia, chooses to have its starlet get lost in costume instead of translation this time, but with Adam Ant and The Cure blaring in the background its hard to think that this period piece is anything but the next Somekind Of Wonderful. Girls mope and whine through their vapid existence as if the tunes of some romantic pop star dressed in black singing them a lullaby of woe will make the day pass unnoticed. But in reality the bitter pill of being popular can only result in ultimate tragedy. And that is what is so very good about this movie. To my dismay, Kirsten Dunst forgoes the ping through tops of her Spiderman days for the pageantry of one endless senior prom, but this fish out water turned pre-mature princess has nothing to look forward to in her ascension. Her knight in shining armor is ultimately impotent and the vanity of the powerful blinds the young queen and her court to the impending perils of frivolous excess. If we could all go back to high school and storm the school to overthrow the prissy cheerleaders and the style defining social nazi hipsters we would. Off with their mother fucking heads! God bless the French for doing one thing right in their pitiful cowardly existence; going all Trench Coat Mafia and chopping off the dome of the popular girl. Take that Baz Lurhman. Right idea wrong ending. I guarantee if Cant Buy Me Love had ended with McDreamy getting turned inside out by a claymore or if Ducky had forced sex on Molly firecrotch Ringwald in Pretty In Pink the world would be a much better place today. There is no happy ending when the fish out of water transforms into The In Crowd. Once you become one of them you deserve to die and Sophia Copellas take on this Queen of the damned gets that right at almost every step. Too bad its still a chick flick, so I still cant tell you to go see it.
Move over Will Ferrell. Go back to throwing your shoulder out of joint Jim Carrey. Because Christian Bale is quite possibly the greatest comedic actor of our time. If you dont believe me then you need to watch the business card scene from American Psycho again. ("And the lettering is something called Silian Rail.") But yet this is no Penn & Teller act. This Victorian age slight-of-hand fest is more like Jackass or Kurt Angle in the Olympics. Just how far will a man go to outdo everyone else? Will you wrestle with a broken friggin neck? Will you tempt the devil with your soul by dry firing in a hardware store commode? Or will you Dr. Frankenstein your way to the top with scientific abominations like some insane Canadian genetics doctor? Memento director Christopher Nolan does everything in his power to tell the story of these two industrial age Houdinis by going forward into these questions and still leaves you thinking backwards for the answers. All I will say about the resolution is that this Keyser Soze is easy to unravel if you pay attention to rules laid out at the very beginning of the film.
Wolverine and Batman start off as contemporaries in the blink-and-youll-miss-it world of magic. But the Dark Knights ability to transport from place to place faster than Zan and Jayna can avoid Gleek flinging poo has the X-man facing the reality that Batman has either become a better trickster, Bruce Wayned his way to some expensive scientific creation that no other man has yet acquired, or has found a way to use real magic. Throw in a couple minutes of Scarlett Johansson looking like a double serving of fuck on a plate and David Bowie using all his acting chops from Labyrinth to pull off a rather convincing Nikola Tesla as a mad scientist and what you are left with is a movie where all the real tricks are in the story and the magic is the only thing grounded in reality. Confused yet? Good. Because seeing the film will only serve to confuse more. If your were a fan of Scott Bakula in Lord Of Illusions, Jeff Goldblum in The Fly or Ewan McGregor in Star Wars then this Attack of the Clones is for you. Christopher Nolan really makes this weird science into a wonderful house of cards that is ready to topple at any moment. If this flick is not for you then I recommend the aforementioned girlie fare or staying home this weekend and trying to figure out how Jeffrey beat out Uli in the "Project Runway" finale because you are definitely gay.
Congrats to Phat Phree original and Legendary N.W.A. Quiz creator Larry Housel on his pending nuptials this weekend and his impending demise thereafter. Welcome to the team, holdout!
1. How much is too much to spend on fucking around (read: your hobbies)? Sure youre wasting time right now reading this website, but its free. $699.00 for a video game system seems pretty fucking ridiculous to me. But there are people who spend more than that on baseball cards or wine that you only get to drink once, so what do I know.
2. Caption This
3. I know you all sit at home listening to "Sports" secretly wanting to be Patrick Bateman, so what is your favorite quote or moment from Amercian Psycho or its equally hysterical counterpart Wall Street.
when youre good, youre good Posted: 10/26/2006by: Ted good points Napalm-suh,
I wasnt looking at the broader picture, i was just focusing on that one sentence, youre right. My only remaining question is if its even possible to be the one type of person that truly wins in the end; the average middle of the road dude/chick. Developing completely independently of social influences appears to me to be impossible, as i find it hard to believe that there is a central, mystical inner sense of being that we can draw on to base our personalities around. Instead we have to use logic and reason to take in some qualities/behaviors/social norms we see in others, as portrayed by the media and our own personal interaction with people, and eliminate those which would cause us to be a "category person" like a jock, hipster (since i now know they are as bad as jocks!), hippy, yuppie, et al. Judging by the transparent personalities of most people that I know, i have a hard time believing such an existence is even possible. Suggestion- though you were illuminating a larger point (which i am grateful for), you aren't going to win many readers by punctuating almost every sentence with unfiltered condescension, as it could be construed as indicative of a "category person"- the dreaded arrogant intellectual who hates everyone who isnt him. (i struggle with this at times i admit)
look forward to your response smahty pants
-Ted BATEMAN Posted: 10/24/2006by: g-unit RIght after bateman drugs the poor bastard and starts playing huey lewis: Poor Bastard: What is that? A raincoat? Bateman: YES IT IS! Best Bateman Soliloquy Posted: 10/24/2006by: DG Oh come on. Price. There are a lot more important problems than Sri Lanka to worry about. Sure our foreign policy is important, but there are more pressing problems at hand. We have to end apartheid for one. And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger. But we can't ignore our social needs either We have to stop people from abusing the welfare system. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights while also promoting equal rights for women but change the abortion laws to protect the right to life yet still somehow maintain women's freedom of choice. We also have to control the influx of illegal immigrants. We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values and curb graphic sex and violence on TV, in movies, in pop music, everywhere. Most importantly we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people. Brattattattatatattatta! Posted: 10/24/2006by: Napal Jones Ted,
My sentance was very intentionally concieved. You ask how someone who rejects the establish culture can be style defining. The answer is when they think they are the epitome of the counter culture as most hipsters do. Just because they try so hard to go against the grain does not mean they are not creating a whole new grain. The mods, bohemians and yes elitist hipsters are every bit as bad as the jocks, cheerleaders, fashionistas. Please note that I chose my words very carefully and inteded to say exactly what I said. Sophia speaks for and about the hipster kid, the oucast fish out of water and the popular girl all in one moving piece. But, part of my point and I believe part of hers as well is that none of them are any more right than the other and in the end it is the average person in the middle who wins. If you see a reference out of context or an oddly used word in one of my columns please read it very carefully because your adament dissaproval of the word only serves to better illustrate why it was used there not to disprove it's use, which, if not careful, can cause the joke to be on you.
-Semper Fi Napalm Jones caption Posted: 10/24/2006by: baked 1. "Not my gumdrop buttons!"
1. As deuce points out, the cost of golf is insane. I never buy the newest/trendiest equipment, either, but it still costs thousands per year.
2. Caption: The chick in the pic has a nice rack.
3. Bateman's soliloquies on the 80's music are phenomenal. I also loved his discussion with his acquaintance outside his apartment when he is looking for some way to move the corpse in the carpet.
Wall Street quote: "How many yachts can you water-ski behind?!" Psycho Posted: 10/23/2006by: YoMama Favorite quotes:
1. "He's a drug dealer for Christ's sake ... these are his peak hours!" 2. "Where do you work out?" 3. "I have a lunch appointment at the Four Seasons ... with Cliff Huxtable." 4. "He's a tumbling, tumbling dickweek." Wee! Posted: 10/23/2006by: Tom C 1. It's like economics: opportunity costs is higher than actual cost. If I want to become scourge of the nerds at Battlefield by playing it for 13 hours a day, then I need to invest in a product to obtain my needs. Kinda like how I invest in KY lube for my "extracurricular activities". Opportunity costs > Actual cost.
2. "Ohh! Feels so warm and gooey!"
3."Feed me a stray cat." Marie Antoinette review! Posted: 10/22/2006by: Ted Metrakas the phrase "style defining social hipster" that the author of this piece used to talk about the trend setting popular kids from high school doesn't make sense. the definition of the word hipster is "someone who rejects the established culture; advocates extreme liberalism in politics and lifestyle" (courtesy of WordNet.com) how can someone who rejects the established culture be style defining? or a nazii.as you so freely used the term, i feel justified in drawing attention to your ill conceived sentence and idea being conveyed there. overall, i thought it was a pretty salient, and moderately witty piece of social commentary drawn from popular cinema, despite my nitpickings. Three questions Posted: 10/21/2006by: Travmire 1. I can't really think of anything right now. I've probably spent a quite of money on books.
2. Simply, "Cookie nookie."
3. The Ed Gein line. I can't remember it exactly, but I'll try to get it right.
"Do you know what Ed Gein says about women?"
"No, what does Ed Gein say about women?"
"He says, 'When I see a pretty girl walking down the street, I think two things. First, I think that I want to take her out to dinner and treat her right.'"
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
Contrary to popular belief John Hughes is still kicking. Sure he might not be the one actually making these movies or setting them in the familiar Chicago backdrop of his classics like Ferris Bueller and The Breakfast Club. But his concepts of high drama in high school are still as relevant today as ever. Even the adult ideas these days are just like those classic movies from the 80s. I mean "Greys Anatomy" really is just high school with scalpels, isnt it? Sex, social climbing, and what everyone else thinks about you are the common themes that have preoccupied every women from the moment that Sally Williams got more Valentines Day cards than everyone else in the 2nd grade. It doesnt matter if its the backstabbing drama of Heathers, Mean Girls, or 16 Candles, even the girl at the top thinks shes an outsider. And now an Austrian Born princess during the French revolution gets her chance to be Pygmalion. Its like greek tragedy turned 80s teen comedy turned period drama turned back into high school dramedy. Or something uber post-modernistic like that. Fuck a virgin suicide, I might just slit my own wrists trying to figure out where this is going.
Move over Will Ferrell. Go back to throwing your shoulder out of joint Jim Carrey. Because Christian Bale is quite possibly the greatest comedic actor of our time. If you dont believe me then you need to watch the business card scene from American Psycho again. (
