 | If the dog wins the jump ball, you're not my son |
#1: Sensei John Kreese in Karate Kid Part I instructing Johnny to sweep the leg after hes already down 2 points to nothing.If youre Sensei Kreese, you need to think about a couple of things: A. Youre a grown man who has chosen to live vicariously through the teenagers involved in your youth karate program. B. You have shamelessly pissed on the integrity of Karate by claiming that the art form is not about self-defense, but instead, petty bullying and intimidation. Based on those facts about you, tell me this: Why in the fuck would you wait until the last minute to fight dirty in the most important match of your career? Come on man, this is Regionals! They rent out the middle school gymnasium for an entire day for this type of event! Even if you dont want Johnny to go after the leg in full view of everyone at least have that put him in a body bag guy club Daniels knee before the fight when hes coming out of the restroom or something. I mean, that guys not doing shit anyways just standing there getting all worked up. The ref doesnt give points for enthusiasm so why not hand that pumped up retard a socket wrench and tell him not to come back until its covered in blood? Shame on you Sensei Kreese.
#2: Emilio Estevez fucking his star players mom in The Mighty Ducks
With any sports team, some friendly, I fucked your mom ribbing is common and probably even good for morale if, of course, ITS ONLY A FUCKING JOKE! Leave it up to an asshole like Emilio Estevez to take the locker room insults to a new level. Im sure Charlie will get plenty of rest and relaxation before the big game knowing that in the next room, his mom is being railed by some alcoholic has-been. Preying on the vulnerability of a family wounded by a recent divorce isnt just in poor taste, its bad coaching.
#3: The corner man in Rocky IV whose passive behavior led to the death of Carl Weathers.A good corner man will throw in the towel if his fighter is getting the shit punched out of him, regardless of the losing fighters opinion. This type of assertive behavior from corner men has become commonplace in boxing because a punch drunk boxer is not exactly the most qualified person to make decisions regarding physical safety. How would you feel if you were visiting the doctors office and your doctor told you that he was going to let Riddick Bowe give you a physical? Youd probably be outraged and/or scared. Besides permanently marring your career as a corner man, letting a Russian kill Carl Weathers on national television is unacceptable. Letting that happen during the Cold War? Come on! That kind of bad coaching is just bad for the morale of America.
#4: Any coach that was overwhelmed by Air Bud.The athletic capabilities of dogs arent exactly infinite. They can basically run fast and some of the smarter ones can catch shit in their mouths. Thats it. How you would let a dog beat you on the basketball court is unfathomable. Dogs dont even have the mental capacity to be engaged in real competition for longer than two minutes if at all. As a coach, you should be thrilled to find out that your opponents were forced to include a dog in their starting five. Unless the player you decide to match up against the dog is literally a grapefruit, your team is at a major advantage. Believe it or not, its very possible to just accidentally stop a dog from playing productive basketball by standing there with a thumb in your ass. If you cant figure out a way to contain a dog both offensively and defensively, politely resign and then go get checked for brain parasites.
#5: Coach Bobby Finstock, the idealistic asshole who let Michael J. Fox refuse to play the biggest game of the season as the wolf in the film Teen Wolf. Good coaches know how to analyze statistical trends and then accurately configure what percentage of their decisions should be based upon those numbers. Sometimes situations exist where a good player should be omitted from the starting lineup because he simply doesnt match up well with a certain opponent. However, if you have a werewolf on your team whose amazing athletic abilities reduce his opponents to drooling retards, you have to start him every single game without hesitation. I know, its cute to try to teach the whole the real you is the best you lesson, but face it. This is the toughest game of the season because you are playing that team with that one asshole who you know is at least in his mid-twenties. A scrawny Michael J. Fox with an embarrassing free throw percentage has no place in a game like this. You need to bring in the wolf! Hes a fan favorite and your best chance at winning because he plays smart, physical basketball. Leaving him out to try and teach a bunch of stoned high-schoolers a sappy, tired lesson is bad coaching and youre an asshole for not realizing that.
#6: Kevin Costner asking Moonlight Graham to heal his daughter from a minor ailment, hence fucking over the mans last chance to play organized baseball.In Field of Dreams, a young Archie Moonlight Graham endures a long road trip with a hostile black man and a cracked out farmer. Not fun, but he stays because at the end of this rainbow of shit is supposed to be a baseball field where Graham can get a second chance to play baseball with some of the greats. They finally get there and everything is going fine and Graham is even playing pretty well until Costners daughter falls off the bleachers. Before anyone makes any attempt to help the girl, Graham, a doctor by trade, is summoned from the game to save her. What major medical crisis is threatening this girl? Is it Cancer? Is it an aggressive virus? No. Shes choking on a bite of a fucking hot dog! Archie saves the girl much like anyone possessing at least one hand couldve done only to find that he cant return to the game because if you step off of the Field of Dreams, apparently you turn into a terribly aged version of Burt Lancaster. Upon realizing this, Kevin Costner apologizes, but he knows hes fucked up royally. Graham is a good sport about it, but you can see from the look on his weathered face that the only thing stopping him from killing Kevin in front of his family is that he knows baseball doesnt exist in hell.
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