So McToken chokes out McDreamy over calling poor Georgie-porgy a McFaggot even after he just came out? Seriously? Seriously? It sounds like the whole cast is a bunch of whining vajayjays to me. Honestly, I wouldnt be surprised to see Dick Graysons codpiece swell at the thought of plowing McSteamys chiseled McMuffins. If you have no idea what Im talking about count yourself lucky that you have managed to avoid all talk of the male cast of Greys Anatomy acting like the Desperate Housewives at a swimsuit photoshoot. You are officially allowed to resume the search for Wesley Snipes on behalf of the attorney generals office. I recommend looking for him during the day though, because unless you got mad jokes to get him smiling, looking for Blade at night is pointless. If I had played a drag queen named Noxeema in Too Wong Foo Id be hiding the fuck out too. I mean, I wouldnt want to get called a faggot and choked out by Isiah Washington. To top it off, after all the Greys hype and coverage they couldnt even muster a new episode this week. Even ABC is smart enough not to try to counter program for women during the World Series. All a guy asks for is one week a year where his lady cant complain about Americas pastime dominating the idiot box.
But in spite of everything wrong with TV this week; like another dismal edition of Jack is a doctor, Sawyer is a conman and Kate is a pretty tomboy on "Lost"; hot chicks complaining about how ugly their short hair or extra two ounces of weight makes them on "Top Model"; or another run at the top for a bulimic Sting (I mean the wrestler with the NWA title not the singer with a lute cameo on "Studio 60"); one thing is still bugging me above and beyond all others. How the fuck do you fall off the top of a log and somehow get stuck to the bottom of it? I dont care how pretty all the ladies out there think Wetworth Miller is, that doesnt do me a damn bit of good. I mean, sure the DeLa Hoya factor of watching just to see if hell get his handsome profile mushed in like a babys head under a semi tire is valid, but if Fox expects both male and female demos to keep watching Prison Break then they are going to have to come up with something a little more compelling than trying to outwit the vicious mighty oak for 60 minutes. If I didnt give a shit when the Saruman took on a whole army of tress then you know I certainly dont give a fuck about a tree trying to drown Sucre either. Prison Break better figure out how to Jack Bauer themselves through the rest of this storyline really soon or Im gonna have to pullout my DVDs of Oz for a dose of real prison drama like that "Law and Order" guy taking it up the poop chute or Brodie playing prison corner boy to Mr. Ecko.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
I guess if Shawnee Smith can help keep Johnny Drama from shitting his pants in The Blob and John Candy from eating his own arm in Whos Harry Crumb the she is certainly qualified to be appearing in her third Saw movie, this time as Jigsaws apprentice. After evading his pursuers Jigsaw is now on his death bed. He and his young accomplice have kidnapped a young doctor and made her race against Jigsaws own ticking heart while an unsuspecting man is forced into another deadly game of what fate is worse. But you dont really care about the plot. You are either going to go see this movie this weekend because you love to see people tortured and maimed in a freezer or you are going to pull out that old cape and plastic fangs and irritate everyone at the Halloween party with your bad George Hamilton Love At First Bite impression. All you really need to know is that the makers of this film intentionally held back some of their most gruesome traps from the second sequel because they knew the script and cast for this one would be dog shit ahead of time. This flick is so goretastic that it may be the end-all flick for the scream and torture genre made popular by Rob Zombie and Hostel so get your kicks while the thought of smashed craniums, and severed achilles tendons is still fresh and exciting like the first time you saw GILF porn.
I keep remembering this quote from the beginning of "Babylon 5" where this snakehead who sounds like the put the lotion in the basket guy says to the first captain, there is a hole in your mind. All week Ive been feeling like there was something missing in my life and I think I know what it is. Whats missing is something to fill that shallow void in my brain where the rational thought ends and the mindless reality show begins. I dont currently have a Uninamous or Martha Stewart Apprentice to remind me why humans are hardly worth the gift of an opposable thumb. I gave up on what could have been the greatest season of Survivor yet when Mark Burnett realized that he was even less qualified to put a racist social experiment on TV than Ice Cube was when he did that Black/White show. But even though the CWs Monday night and the RNCs Tennessee Senate campaign seem to have no problem with the race bating, CBS pulled the plug on the tribes by ethnic backgorund idea faster than Terry Schiavos husband when they remerged the various groups. Even the clown prince of calamity himself, Flavor Flav, has left airways for the time being. This time having decided to 180 his "Flavor Of Love Season 1" decision by not choosing the hot looking chick who would obviously leave him the second the cameras stopped rolling and instead choosing what quite resembles a bipedal yuk mouth wildebeest with breasts, a penis and skin so bad that a years supply of proactive and a Harkonnen doctor couldnt make a dent in it. So it begins. My quest to find the next great reality show to fill the void in my brain now that Buckwild and her many pseudo ethnic voices are gone along with Cao Bois magic third eye headache remedy. But where to look first?
It is not often you will find me searching for substance on NBCs gay sister network Bravo, but with Project Dumbgay, Queer Eye and Blow Out having wrapped up their seasons, the closet pleasure netlet can get back to focusing on what it does best, reruns of The West Wing and ruining the game of poker by letting celebrities less recognizable than a police sketch drawn by Michael J Fox play the game on TV. What they dont do so well is reality cooking shows. Food network is place for that. They send Bobby Flay out to challenge poor unsuspecting chefs at their own game, or they put world class pastry chefs against one an another building giant sugar sculptures only to watch them come crashing down, or they let Iron Chefs go toe to toe in battle daikon, or pizza tossing chefs duke it out to see who can break the Guinness record for throwing the largest pizza dough or flipping the most pancakes. Food network has the market cornered on the real cheffing shows. Fox on the other hand doesnt even try to put food or competition on the menu with Hells Kitchen. In fact the cooking is only an excuse for the head chef to berate the contestants like a Singapore caning would be too good for them. So to keep from copying the others Bravo is left with cooking show that has no hook, no stakes, and no depth.
Does anyone think the line chef from Applebees is gonna make world class sushi? Hes used to plating food from a pre-packaged boil-in bag. Ive seen Lean Cuisine plates that look better. And just because some woman has gumbo restaurant and knows her way around a pot of collard greens and some chitterlings doesnt mean she can learn to cook with foie gras and truffles. For christs sakes who is the molecular physicist with the blow torches and Final Fantasy haircut? Its like they found half of these contestants in the parking lot at E3. The only guy I really liked was the sous-chef from Cleveland who got excited about his five finger discount on a case of lychee fruit. He proved that it isnt as hard to steal from the Korean Market as people think. If you dont do it at gun point then they wont shoot back. But in the end he was just another dark spot on the legacy of the North Coast when he left against everyones will like Art Model looking for a Stadium. At least there is the food right? Nope. Mushy rice, hard gelatin, and seasonless Pho even made the judges lose their appetites. With no mouth watering moment at the end like Iron Chef that makes me want to run to my own kitchen and cook some Carl Buddig turkey in Maruchan noodles, or any Amarosa or Puck-like characters this show just ends up being a bunch of hacks standing around sharpening their knives. But never fear, my quest for the next great reality show wont end until someone tops Flav bringing back that psycho New York chick only to dis her down to second place two seasons in a row.
1. Whats your favorite moment in reality TV history? If you say KRS 1 rapping with his mediocre female doppelganger Heather B on the first season on "The Real World" then I will shank you in the kidney with a wooden spoon.
AND/OR
2. Whats is the best Halloween costume? I remember back in 1997 Phat Phree writer Chad Zumock bought the most expensive Superman costume available on the market and then had people push him around a Halloween parade in a wheelchair. Very sick, but a darn fine costume nonetheless. So what are you gonna be this year or what are some of the best costumes or costume ideas you can think of?
halloween Posted: 10/30/2006by: dirtnap me and a buddy were considering a funny, albeit obvious duo- john mark carr (super high brown pants, gross piss yellow button up shirt, loafers) and mark foley (gray wig, dark suit with jizz stains on it)
nice Posted: 10/27/2006by: vertigo Napalm nails it again, he's the Tony Gwynn of TPP.
1. When Big Brother became popular.
2. I went as Payne Stewart one year with the knickers, not bad. This year I might go as Joe Buck, complete with Cardinals jersey. Hmmm, maybe1 Posted: 10/27/2006by: Tom A He completely "shrapnelled" it? Tom A Posted: 10/27/2006by: Christine Thanks. Yeah those "trial Lawyers" are tricky mother fuckers. I really didn't think we would win though. That judge was a bitch.
I totally see your point about the gayness of Palming. But I do think Napalm should have his own term when it comes to the awesomeness of his articles. Maybe, "he Naped the shit out of that one!" or " it wasn't as Naping as last week, but I liked it". no? no. halloween costume Posted: 10/27/2006by: dirtydoctor Best halloween costume ever was in Austin on 6th street a few years back; a skinny guy in torn, dirty tighty whiteys, completely smeared from head to toe in something slippery and brown, carrying a plunger. I have no idea what it was but it was pleasingly disturbing. It also made my date retch a little, and she was kind of a bitch, so I liked that part too. Christine Posted: 10/27/2006by: Tom A Congrats on the trial - too bad that you work for "trial lawyers" who are responsible for everything bad from herpes to lime deposits in the shower.
Charlie Sheen told me that your low-cut shirts were surely instrumental in the favorable outcome.
re: "Palming" - I think it works for a woman to use that term, sort of in an "I owned it" kind of way (like how you own Charlie S. by palming his junk just so), but I don't know that it works for the guys. You know what I'm saying? Seems like "palming it" is what JPM does every evening after watching "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody." Answers Posted: 10/27/2006by: DLamp 1) When I realized that the Andrea Lowell on Surreal Life was the same Andrea Lowell I went to middle school with. Nothing beats me sitting on my couch screamin, "Holy shit! I fucking know that whore!!"
2) I'm going as Sagat. near death experience Posted: 10/27/2006by: mike choking on my snapple iced tea reading a reference to a goddamned Harkonnen doctor. Put the pick in there, Pete, and turn it 'round real neat. Well done. sick and twisted Posted: 10/27/2006by: Lungbrush You know Steve Irwin's the most popular costume this year, right?
1.) When one of Flavor Flav's girls pooped on the floor.
2.) Along with Steve Irwin, you'll see alot of Borats this year. I was him 2 yrs ago all you amatuers! Totally palmed it again! Posted: 10/27/2006by: Christine Great job Napalm. Unfortunately, my new phrase isn't getting picked up so I'll just keep instituting it. My roommate watched grey's anatomy and always uses to Mc-whatevers and its so fucking annoying. So just to show my disdain for those chic shows and my love for good tv, I changed my cell phone to ring like the phones at CTU. its awesome. seriously, there isn't anyone better than me.
also, I miss all you guys soooo much. my trial is over and WE WON!!!!!!!! I am convinced that my low cut shirts won the jury over. and will be asking for a raise this afternoon.
1. In real world los angeles when David pulled Tammy's covers off of her and she yells, "that wasn't not funny". hahaha. they played that episode so many times and I'm sure she wants to die for the double negative.
2. I have seen so many great costumes that I can't name them all. I think I mentioned previously my friend who constructed an entire vagina out of styrofoam and walked around as a pussy all night. My other friend went as a burgular one year and we all thought he was pretty cheesy in the black and white stripes, but then he really started robbing people and it was hysterical. he litterally held up an old lady and took her purse. she was so scared and all we could was laugh. he gave it back to her eventually, but still..
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
I guess if Shawnee Smith can help keep Johnny Drama from shitting his pants in The Blob and John Candy from eating his own arm in Whos Harry Crumb the she is certainly qualified to be appearing in her third Saw movie, this time as Jigsaws apprentice. After evading his pursuers Jigsaw is now on his death bed. He and his young accomplice have kidnapped a young doctor and made her race against Jigsaws own ticking heart while an unsuspecting man is forced into another deadly game of what fate is worse. But you dont really care about the plot. You are either going to go see this movie this weekend because you love to see people tortured and maimed in a freezer or you are going to pull out that old cape and plastic fangs and irritate everyone at the Halloween party with your bad George Hamilton Love At First Bite impression. All you really need to know is that the makers of this film intentionally held back some of their most gruesome traps from the second sequel because they knew the script and cast for this one would be dog shit ahead of time. This flick is so goretastic that it may be the end-all flick for the scream and torture genre made popular by Rob Zombie and Hostel so get your kicks while the thought of smashed craniums, and severed achilles tendons is still fresh and exciting like the first time you saw GILF porn.
It is not often you will find me searching for substance on NBCs gay sister network Bravo, but with Project Dumbgay, Queer Eye and Blow Out having wrapped up their seasons, the closet pleasure netlet can get back to focusing on what it does best, reruns of The West Wing and ruining the game of poker by letting celebrities less recognizable than a police sketch drawn by Michael J Fox play the game on TV. What they dont do so well is reality cooking shows. Food network is place for that. They send Bobby Flay out to challenge poor unsuspecting chefs at their own game, or they put world class pastry chefs against one an another building giant sugar sculptures only to watch them come crashing down, or they let Iron Chefs go toe to toe in battle daikon, or pizza tossing chefs duke it out to see who can break the Guinness record for throwing the largest pizza dough or flipping the most pancakes. Food network has the market cornered on the real cheffing shows. Fox on the other hand doesnt even try to put food or competition on the menu with Hells Kitchen. In fact the cooking is only an excuse for the head chef to berate the contestants like a Singapore caning would be too good for them. So to keep from copying the others Bravo is left with cooking show that has no hook, no stakes, and no depth.
