 | Putting the |
This past weekend, from the Black Room inside of beautiful Camp Nama at the Baghdad International Airport, the 1st Annual Waterboarding World Championships (WWC) were held as the Terror Community sent some of their most talented representatives to prove their mettle against the U.S. Governments resident spook squad, Task Force 6-26. Waterboarding, a longtime underground extreme sport, can be enjoyed by a mainstream audience now that it has been featured world-wide on various news programs around the globe. Despite various professional and amateur Waterboarding leagues popping up in the suburban United States, China and Europe, the WWC is still the premiere arena for our talented watersport athletes.
For those unfamiliar with Waterboarding, the challenging athlete, called the Suspect, is securely strapped face-up to a wooden board and placed on a decline of 45 degrees with their feet above their head to assume the classic Waterboarders Pose. Once in place, the defending athlete, called the Interrogator, approaches his co-competitor and officially challenges the Suspect by placing a piece of fabric or plastic over his mouth. The type of covering used is based on the personal preferences of the Interrogator, but along with a large number of corporate sponsors who have stepped up for this event, Saran Wrap was become the official asphyxiation device of the Waterboarding World Championships.
With the covering in place over the Suspects mouth, the Interrogator, using a regulation length 15-foot garden hose, begins to flow a steady stream of water over the other Waterboarders nose and mouth to produce a choking sensation, and more importantly, a gag reflex that has been described by professional Suspects (through a translator) as unimaginable horror, like being ass-reamed by Allah himself and Please have mercy and kill me quickly.
Once the stream of water contacts the Suspect, the official Timekeeper, sponsored by Rolex, starts the clock and in a manner very similar to Professional Bull Riding, documents the ability of the Suspect to withstand the Interrogators challenge for as long as they are able. Out of respect for their athletic abilities, there is no 8-second time limit imposed on the competitors, and the clock will continue until a tap out occurs, or one of the athletes loses consciousness, whichever occurs last. In the event of unconsciousness, the Waterboarder is given a courtesy 5-second rest period and the contest continues.
Any number of internationally recognized tap outs may be used by the Suspect when he cannot continue, such as producing uncontrolled feces or urine, screaming like a woman or small child, or telling the whereabouts of other known terrorists, commonly referred to as Future Suspects. In the event that a tap out is questionable, the Interrogator may continue to combat the Suspect as WWC Event Officials make a ruling on the tap out. If an Officials ruling is disputed, a team captain may step forward and request an instant replay of the controversial play, whereas the Officiating team has 2 minutes to review the call.
 | Don't ask where these thumbs have been. |
After a long day of Waterboarding, the Interrogators of Task Force 6-26 were deemed the victors in a shutout performance (see the official results below). Also, in a special Celebrity version of the WWC, Vice President Dick Cheney bested Arizona Senator John McCain in a Vietnam Throwback Match. Senator McCain first had all of his toenails removed with rusty pliers, then was locked in a dark room for three days, listening to a looped audio track consisting only of angry howler monkeys and Barbara Streisand cover songs performed by deaf-mutes. The Senator lasted a weekend-best time of 52 seconds, and appeared to be overcome with emotion when contacted for comment.
Waterboarding World Championships, from Baghdad, Iraq
1. Agent Eric Ross def. Khaled Sheikh Mohammed, Feces: 37.5 sec.
2. Master Chief John James 'Jack' Urgayle def. Lt. Jordan O'Neil, Urine: 36.8 sec.
3. Dr. Jonas def. Jerry Fletcher, Screaming/Urine/Feces: 29.1 sec.
4. Barry the Baptist def. Mumia Monty Abu-Jamal, Urine, 18.3 sec.
5. Staff Sgt. Bob Nall def. Abu Graib Prisoner #5399, Full Confession, 12.2 sec.
6. Maj. Gen. Michael E. Ennis def. Muhammed Al-Rashid, Disqualification.
 | Waterboarding: Not as fun as it sounds... |
X. VP Richard Cheney def. Sen. John McCain, Feces: 52.0 sec.
AP PRESS RELEASE
NOV/2006: BAGHDAD, IRAQ
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