 | Goodbye, DST |
Whats up, bitches? If youre trying to contact me, dont bother. Youre getting this out of office auto reply because Ill be on vacation for the next few months and I cant read e-mail in my work account. I hope that you're all enjoying your extra hour of sleep! I know that all of you bastard ingrates cursed me in April when you had to Spring Forward and set your clocks ahead by one hour. I hate that mnemonic, by the way. If I hear one more person screw it up and say Spring Back, Fall Ahead, Im seriously going to stab somebody in the jugular with a ballpoint pen. Ever seen Pesci do that shit in Casino? If you think that Im kidding, then step up, homie. Tequila makes me crazy!!!
Now what was I talking about? Oh, yeah! It must be SO hard to spend a night out with your idiot friends drinking a case of Milwaukees Best and then getting up a whole 60 minutes earlier to drive your crapmobile to your chic factory job, you redneck fucktards. But when that whistle blows and you have an extra hour of sunlight to eat fried Spam sandwiches and drink Beergaritas with your family on the porch of your trailer home, do you even bother thanking me? Hell no, you dont! You use it as a conversation piece as you wonder out loud if its getting dark later or some such nonsense. Its not getting dark laterits because of me! Wheres my props?
Now dont get me wrong, here. Ive got a pretty sweet gigworking only 6 months out of the year on a federal salary means that as we speak, Im not doing shit and Im getting paid. Thats right, cash-fucking-money! Ive been drinking since breakfast, and I dont even know what goddamn day it is or where my hotel room key is, for that matter. Screw it! Its not like I cant get one of these skanks to take me back to their room tonight. The chicks in Cabo are CRAZY! Theyre like fish in a damn barrel, and Ive got my pistols pointed and ready to fire.
 | Can I borrow your pen for a minute? |
So is anybody tired of Standard Time yet? Just wait! In a month or so, shits going to be dark as hell by the time you get off of work. Thats when everybody gets the so-called Winter Blues and acts like a bunch of assholes because its cold and dark all the time. Thats when I check out the weather report on my laptop from the beach and just laugh and laugh. Then I order another double and I fucking laugh some more. Im gonna be getting tanked off of umbrella drinks and hanging out with swimsuit models while youre stuck back in Bum Fuck, U.S.A. and scraping frost off of your windshield and slipping on ice in your driveway. You can have your precious hour of sleep. Ha ha ha!
 | Another double, and go easy on the ice! |
If this is one of my real friends trying to e-mail me, then you know my cell number. Anybody else and Ill be back in the office at 2am on March 11th, 2007. Ill also be checking my MySpace a few times a week, so leave me a comment, or something. OK, Im done with this shit. Tell that homo Standard Time that I said Whats up and that he still owes me money.
Later,
DST
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