Camp Crystal Lake, NY - Long reputed to be the site of multiple murders over the years, the abandoned camp on Crystal Lake has managed to leave at least one group of recent campers unimpressed and downright disappointed that their stay was uneventful. They're glad to be alive, but "we feel like we want our money back," says Tommy Geiger, 17, who led the expedtion.
The campers arrived in Camp Crystal Lake last month to set up shop and try to renovate the site, which has been unoccupied for almost ten years. They were warned by locals to abandon plans of bringing the camp back, for fear of inciting yet another night of bloodshed as previous tenants had in years past.
"Given all that, you'd think something might would happen," Geiger told reporters Tuesday. But alas, at press time all the teens were reported safe and sound as they exited the campsite.
Geiger, previously a virgin before his arrival on Crystal Lake, had believed that if he lost it to "local slut" Cherylanne Norbert, 19, he would surely lose his life within minutes of consummating their relationship. But to his chagrin, no masked intruder was there to ram a hunting knife into his skull as he was forced to cuddle and make small talk with Norbert later.
Fellow camper Ben Bellows, 18, figured that his use of an illicit drug (pot) would trigger the wrath of the contradictory killer ("He hates drugs and sex, but approves of murder. You can't tell me that's normal," Geiger said). But he managed to avoid getting an arrow shoved in his throat or have his head cut off in one swift motion. He did stub his toe on the corner of his bed when he had to get up and use the restroom.
"I thought maybe this mysterious killer-guy might be in the bathroom, you know, put a shower curtain around my throat and strangle me or drown me in my own piss in the toilet," the disappointed teen said. "But nothing, not even pulling my eyeballs out with jagged shards from a broken mirror."
Adds Bellows, "it ruined my high. That's it for me and drugs."
Locals are bewildered by the lack of bloodshed on the lake, if not a little relieved.
"We've built our entire town on the legend of a masked killer who knows no end to his bloodlust," said mayor Vernon Kobbel. "You'd think, with the need for tourist dollars in this part of the country, the killer would cooperate. But he's not holding up his end of the bargain."
Geiger, Bellows, and the six other campers who accompanied them have left the site with a profound sense of existential emptiness and feelings of unworthiness. "Maybe we weren't good enough for him to arise from his watery grave and slice-and-dice us," fellow camper Nate Dawes said.
"We had tons of sex, smoked reefer and snorted coke, and ran up the electricity bill to God-knows-what price. For all that, you'd at least hope for a couple of beheadings and some painful abdominal gashes."
Mayor Kobbel is hopeful that future campers will meet with a more gruesome fate.
"I get the feeling that, when the time is right, we're gonna have another tragedy on our hands. This past group of campers couldn't get a rise out of our killer, but who's to say the next bunch won't bring out his murderous rage?"
For now, Camp Crystal Lake will not be the site of yet another senseless series of murders. The army has expressed interest in turning it into a dumping site for nuclear waste, however, and this may bring a new life to the camp and the surrounding town.
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