 | Partly cloudy with an 80% chance of gay |
Its a Saturday night and most of your buddies are out, paying for the privilege of having sex with their significant others by picking up the tab on a $100 dinner. You, on the other hand, have spent the entire day shellacking your spam spear, sending thousands of potential kids to their tissue-y deaths in the process. Theres no way you can take another night of 7th Heaven reruns, even if they are the ones where Lucys grown up, sporting remarkable bombs, and testing even Gods ability to remain chaste. So you call one of your only remaining friends who still has complete and unfettered possession of his testicles and head off to the local pub. You take the two remaining seats at the bar and as the night progresses with diminishing chances for a drunken hump-fest with a recently-divorced MILF, it hits you: Youre on a man-date.
Despite the connotation, the man-date is not an inherently gay event. Two men, out in public, with their pants on and anal virginity intact, can still find themselves in this very uncomfortable situation. In fact, much like the thrill of exposing yourself to a group of senior citizens, its more about the atmosphere and the audience than the actors. The man-date often goes unnoticed by the parties involved, until they realizethrough any number of comments or looks from those around themthat the perception of onlookers is that they are fruitier than the produce section at Acme. If you live in a small town in the South, this type of thing could make front page news. If any of your parents friends see you, it could be the subject of their Thursday night bridge game. In any event, its almost certain to raise some eyebrows and hurt your street cred. To protect yourself from becoming the victim of G.A.L.A recruitment mailings, here are the five signs that youre on man-date:
You start one tab for both of you.
Very, very gay thing to do and an easy way to get yourself in trouble early. Theres absolutely no reason to do this, even if you are going to split the check at the end of the night. If there were a few of you, fine. But two guys coming together on one tab just listen to how that sounds. It screams life partner. A man should only buy another man a drink to celebrate an important event or during a business transaction. This is one of those times where convenience is not your friend. Just do yourself a favor and stop at an ATM on the way to the bar and get some cash. And dont tell your friend to stop at the bank so you can tap MAC. That kind of double entendre is sure to lead to a very ambiguously gay evening.
You go to the trendy new restaurant and are seated at table for two.
This should never happen. You shouldnt be eating dinner with only one other man, unless its a fast-food joint or at someones house. You may be able to get away with it once or twice, but if the waitress isnt flirting with you to boost her tip, consider yourself outted. She probably assumes too busy fantasizing about what your buddy would look like hogtied to your bed and covered with Nutella. Having dinner has long been associated with dating. And guess what, Ace, it still is. Within five minutes of being seated, the stares from restaurant patrons who are wondering if youre discussing last nights episode of Dancing With the Stars will burning a hole in the back of your head. Food is important, no doubt. However, the constraints of not being able to order salad, meat, or anything with even remotely gay connotations should be enough of a reason to hit the buffet at Wendys for yet another night. Plus you can tell your friends that you ate out at Wendys last night. Give em a wink when you say it and theyll never know you were stuffing your face like a fat-kid in a pie-eating contest, and not notching your bedpost after a sexual encounter with a woman of the same name.
One of you is not drinking.
The only time two men should be at a bar and one is not drinking is if theres an AA meeting going on, or if one of them is working there. When two guys go out to a bar, they should at least nurse a beer, if only for appearance. While there are rare instances where this can be explained away, it is a very questionable circumstance. If your buddy says hes not drinking because hes the DD, you better run. DD might as well stand for Dick Delivery. Women will hear his comment and immediately assume that, much like being a power bottom, hes always sacrificing himself for your enjoyment. If your buddy tells you he doesnt feel like drinking, tell him to stay home. Otherwise, youre sure to spend the entire night overcompensating for his apparent lack of testosterone to assure onlookers that nobodys playing Romans and Gladiators later.
Wine is ordered.
Dont get it twisted kid, wine is great. And knowing your wines is sure to score points on a date. But only if your date doesnt have balls. Like yelling White power, at a Nation of Islam meeting, ordering wineespecially at a sports baris sure to bring the party to a screeching halt and draw attention to the fact that there are two guys at a bar alone and one of them may or may not own a copy of Brokeback Mountain. As far as insinuations regarding sexuality go, this act is about as subtle as spending your Saturday antiquing with the Village People. The entire bar will assume that, like a kid with muddy shoes, you come in the back door. Stick to beer, liquor, or shots (as long as theyre not Buttery Nipples or anything called a Maneater or Pole Slammer).
 | When you're ready to come out... |
He grabs your cock.
Almost certainly, this is a gesture of man-love. If he grabs your package, or even makes a move toward it, you better get the hell out of Dodge. Theres no recovering from something of this magnitude. He may have been attempting to hit you in the ballswhich is fine if youre playing Hit Your Buddy in the Junk with a group of friendsbut when the two of you are out, its pretty much the gayest thing next to Elton John riding in the Gay Pride Parade on a My Little Pony while wearing a pink bathrobe and deep-throating a kielbasa. Youre done for the evening, and youll never be able to go out with this particular friend again. He may or may not be a gay, but you should operate under the assumption that he just blew the door off the closet and came stampeding out, whistling show-tunes on his way to the nearest turnpike rest-stop. If your boy goes for the brush-by, youve definitely surpassed man-date and may be well on your way to the land of lisps.
Now that you know what to look for, youll never have to face the shame of finding yourself on a man-date. You will, however, have to face the shame of not having a real date on Saturday night. But hey, at least if things dont start looking up, youll know how to tell if a guys interested in you if you give up on women.
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