Hi, how are you? You don't know me, but I could be the guy that's fucking your wife. Notice I said "could be", because I think you should know up front that so far the only fucking that has gone on between us has mostly consisted of me, alone and naked, on a toilet, with a picture of your wife from the local newspaper, when she won the "best lawn in the county" award. Did I mention how hot she is in that photo?
You seem to be disturbed, and you have every right to be. After all, how many times during the day does one man come up to another and make such a bold declaration of masturbatorial intent with another man's wife? You were right to punch me just now, but let me explain.
It all began three weeks ago, when I was in the supermarket trying to get the telephone number of the underage cashiers who work there. I was only having success with the USCAN register as far as that goes, and your wife saw me unsuccessfully attempt to convince the robotic female voice that I was of sound moral character when she noted that I had purchased condoms and beer and an issue of "Ladies Home Journal" with Eva Longoria on the cover. She smiled, shifted her buggy to the side, and told me that my dollar bill was "all crinkled, you need to smooth it out". I don't have to tell you, but that's a sure sign of romantic interest if I ever heard one.
So I made it my life's mission to fuck your wife...not right there in the grocery store, though that is number #5 on my list of alltime sexual fantasies (up there with being spanked by someone dressed like Ruth Bader Ginsberg, but just below putting my entire fist into the vagina of a nice Jewish girl from uptown who "normally doesn't do those kind of things"). If you noticed any strange noises, odd lights, grunting sounds, etc., in the vicinity of your bathroom window, don't be alarmed. I was just trying to mentally signal you to leave and let your wife continue showering in peace, you can finish your Sports Illustrated later.
Oh, now *I've* got problems? Let me tell you buddy, the shoe fits on your foot as well...yeah, you neglect her. I know, you see, I'm always around when you leave for work, and I keep up observation during the day to make sure she's okay. I care about...whatever the fuck her name is. Oh, like you know it either!
But never fear, I will be the gentleman, and let you crazy kids reconcile your obviously loveless marriage. It's the least I can do. I'll always have the hours of surveillance footage with her in various stages of undress and whatnot to amuse me, keep me company, and so forth. I'm a lover, not a fighter, so please stop pummeling me, sir.
You've proven your point, you are my physical equal. If not my superior, for I admire your stamina. But I must warn you; you can get rid of me easily enough, but another will come along to fantasize about your wife's perfect bosom late into the lonely night. And he might even have muscles. Keep that in mind, you jealous freak.
Now if you'll excuse me, there's a very attractive USCAN machine that hasn't had a real man in years, if you catch my drift...don't be a hater.
the myth is a retard Posted: 11/15/2006by: G.F.Csd.a.scaef you must have the funny bone of a sack of potatoes bro. ghey Posted: 11/15/2006by: boner what a fucking waste of time that was!
thanks asshole writer! your shit's weak. Awesome... Posted: 11/9/2006by: The Myth Easily one of the funniest, most intelligent, well written articles I've ever seen on this site. The comments from those who don't like this article, or find it not funny; simply ignore them. As one can tell, by some of the more popular articles on this website, the readers aren't the most intelligent group on the planet. Stupidest website ever Posted: 11/8/2006by: bored Who writes this shit?
And why? bill Posted: 11/8/2006by: deuce here's hoping "the who" reference wont take that long.... Agreed Bill Posted: 11/8/2006by: J G Stupid politics instead of Spaceballs. This country has gone from suck to blow! Meet the New Boss Posted: 11/8/2006by: bill Same as the old Boss. They're all the same; they really are. It takes a unique mix of mediocrity, laziness and megalomania to put yourself out there for Congress and it doesn't matter if they're red or blue. Just make sure to use your own brain and go to work.
And for the record, it's pretty messed up that a Spaceballs trivia question went untouched for 15 posts. May the Schwartz be with you. christine- Posted: 11/8/2006by: deuce i would totally watch basketball* if you came over.
*i hate basketball. Eugene Posted: 11/8/2006by: J G Do you feel better now that you typed out your anger? I agree with a lot of what you are saying, however you still sound like a complete dick (read "all the time you sound like a dick"). Christine Posted: 11/8/2006by: J G Your answer to the question "Up Next Pongo's review of Rocky 5.....Thousand!"
