When I was twenty-four and living in Chicago I worked at a coffeehouse, and I think its safe to say that it was the worst fucking job Ive ever had. I wont name the coffeehouse, but lets just say that it rhymes with Bar Stucks. I worked there every morning from 5am to 1pm. My job title was barista, which is just a fancy coffee term meaning that douchebag behind the espresso bar. It was my job all morning long to make mochas, lattes and cappuccinos for throngs of caffeine addicted, always cranky, often-violent businessmen and women. For this service I received minimum wage and all the free coffee I could drink.
I was miserable.
On one particularly bad morning I had, in the span of a half hour, achieved the following:
1) Gotten four espresso drinks wrong in a row
2) Burnt an entire pitcher of non-fat milk
3) Was yelled at by a customer because her double tall, vanilla, extra-foamy latte was now too foamy
4) Was yelled at by the assistant manager for improper cup stacking
5) Spilt a customers Grande Extra Hot Cappuccino all over my bare leg
The time was only 6:00am I still had seven more hours of work (not counting the gracious 30 minute lunch break).
Had I the money, the prospects or the balls, I would have quit right then and there. Unfortunately, I had none of these things (and still dont). But I did have one thing. Something waiting for me at home. Something that was going to make me happy. Something that, if I could just get through my shift, would make all of my problems go away.
I had porn.
I had recently received from my best friend a pornographic videotape. Four full hours of XXX action. And in those four hours was the hottest lesbian scene Id ever witnessed (and Id witnessed quite a few, thank you). Three women (one black, one white, one Asian), experiencing love for the first time with an assortment of toys as they celebrated at a wedding showerin a Jacuzzi.*
It was like a Benetton ad but without all of the crappy clothes.
*[Bar Stucks does not condone the buying or selling of any pornographic material. It does, however, condone the selling and consuming of a five-dollar cup of coffee.]
And I had the videotape cued to that exact scene! Even better, my roommate had gotten a temp job that morning and would be gone all day!
My plan was to suffer through till the end of work, rush home, use the porn in a way that only porn was used, and go to bed. It was a great plan. A simple plan concocted by a simple mind, yes, but a great plan nonetheless.
I ran the plan through my head, repeatedly. It became my mantra.
Home. Porn. Bed.
Suddenly, my day got a little brighter. There was a light at the end of the tunnel.
Home. Porn. Bed.
Work breezed by as I completed my menial tasks with joy.
Home. Porn. Bed.
I finished my shift, clocked out and caught the overcrowded bus for the long ride home, all with a smile on my face.
Home. Porn. Bed.
Enjoy your coffee ladies.
I burst through my apartment door, tossed my coat, grabbed the porn video, ran to the TV, crammed the tape into the VCR and pressed play. I stood in front of the TV and waited for my three lovelies to appear on the screen.
But my ladies were gone. In their place was a scene of two skinny guys nailing a rather large redhead.
Enraged, I ejected the video, only to discover that the tape was all the way at the end.
What the fuck?! I yelled to no one in particular.
Just then my roommate walked into the apartment.
Hey man, He said casually. They let me off of my temp job early and I still got paid for the full day! Sweet, huh?
That was it. Not only was my roommate interrupting my porn viewing, but he was also having a better day to boot!
Dude, did you watch my porn? I accused.
Yeah, you said I could.
You didnt rewind it!
So?
So rewind it when youre done! Ive told you a million times. Common courtesy, asswipe!
You dont rewind it when youre done. He said.
Thats different. Its my porn and I keep it on better scenes than you. Why do you always cue it to the two guys and fat redhead?
Shes not fat shes voluptuous. Why do you always cue it to lesbo scenes?
Cause lesbos rule! I retorted.
Thats your opinion.
Thats everyones opinion, idiot! I yelled. Look, you obviously dont know shit about porn, so until you start learning how to watch it right, dont use my fucking porn.
Fuck you!
Fuck you!
The two of us stood there in silence, furious at one another.
I bought some weed. My roommate finally said. Wanna get high?
New mantra. Posted: 11/12/2006by: Bob Dole I have adapted your mantra, and I will use it as my own. I hope there aren't any royalties. Great article... Posted: 11/11/2006by: Skip in Chicago this was funny. Boys Posted: 11/9/2006by: B Boys are so funny. And dude, Chicago girls are easy. I know because I am one. Damn Straight! Posted: 11/9/2006by: I'mRickJamesBitch Lesbos do rule, especially when you can make a threesome!
Good piece - keep writing!
The more I think about it the angrier I get. Posted: 11/9/2006by: Bill You were 24 and in Chicago. You almost had to try to not get laid. The place is like 20-something Disney World only instead of unemployable dance majors from the SEC in cartoon costumes you get unemployable communications majors from the Big 10 in slut costumes who just want to smile, bang you, and bake you cookies. Best 2 years of my life, how dare you. You know. . . Posted: 11/9/2006by: Bill . . . there have been instances where people have met a peson and had sex with them the same day. I know your porn was a bird in the hand, but you really should have made like every other fuckwad barista in the world and thrown some game by telling the goth chick you were a slam poet and the rasta chick that you only worked there to make sure that only fair-market Sumatran beans were being used. Lemons into lemonade my man! There's tons of self-absorbed poseur ass in those places. Jesus, they blast earthy chick make-out music from Sarah McGlaughlin (if you correct my spelling on that kill yourself) through the soundsystem 24/7! That crap in a Starbucks beats Barry White's tunes at an Ex rave. Come on man, you're better than that. i laughed Posted: 11/9/2006by: Pat Your life sounds a lot like Jim Anchower from The Onion. haters! Posted: 11/9/2006by: Ted great article, captured your experience of life during that time (an experience shared by most twentysomethings after college) very effectively. It is what it is, its not the funniest piece but its not meant to be, it captures that slice of life in a very real way, and the ending was great, as weed does make bad days great. dont listen to the haters home, porn, bed Posted: 11/9/2006by: Max Oh man, I am so hungover right now. This is exactly the mantra that will get me through this terrible day.
I liked this article. So don't listen to these idiots.
Good pic at the end, and great caption. stupid article Posted: 11/9/2006by: art booooooooooooooooooooo
