There was a lot of discussion last week about whether the University of Miami should have played its football game this past weekend following the death of defensive lineman Bryan Pata. Much of the conversation was centered on whether Pata would've wanted the team to play.
Im here to tell you, if I died during the week, I would not want my team to play. I want them to take the week off and think about what I meantto them, and what a great guy I was. I want the network that was supposed to show the game to piece together a quick SportsCentury about my life and career, with highlights of me playing, as well as people talking about how wonderful I was. Even if Im a bench player, I want shots of me waving my towel or making a chain as we hope our winning kick goes in. If necessary, I want images of me digitally inserted over Barry Sanders or Dick Butkus, so it looks like I was a great player.
You know what, this goes beyond college or professional football. Im getting this down right now: if I die during a week, I dont want the guys I play sandlot football with every week to play. I want them to take the week off, go down to our watering hole, and tell stories about how much I added to the league. I want them to share the great plays I made, the fantastic tackles, the amazing catches. I want them to leave out the parts about how I usually tackled like a pussy, ripping peoples jerseys and ducking out of major contact. Any mentions of legendary drops, or times I got popped out of my shoes, should be omitted. I also want the barmaid to remember that I was cute, and a great tipper.
That Mike, he had great form
Hell, regardless if Im involved in a sporting event directly, I want it to be affected if I die. If I have a heart attack next week when Ohio State goes up on Michigan, I want them to stop the game right there, to be continued at that point on the 25th. I want all the players to be interviewed, and talk about what a great fan I was. I want the announcers to speak in somber tones about me. I want other networks to cut into their games coverage with breaking news. Other games can go on, but flags should be immediately lowered, and every team in Division I-A should play the rest of the season with a black armband with MEH written on it. This may hold for NFL and other college divisions as well, Im not sure.
Not too low, my cat startles easily
This really shouldnt stop at sports. If I die this week, my company should shut down for the week. My cube should be encased in plexiglass exactly as it stands (the apple can be removed so it wont get rotten and stinky), and black cloth should be draped around it, with a plaque (let the marketing guys write what should be on it, theyre good at that sort of stuff). People should stop in from miles around to leave trinkets at my memorial: a ticket for the dry cleaning I never picked up; a scratch-off ticket from the beverage store next door; a pair of chopsticks from the Chinese Buffet. My clients should all shut down their workplaces, if only for a day, and get together and recall some of the awesome programming I did for them. How my customer service was exemplary, and even if they were having a bad day because our software wasnt working, they could count on me to not only fix the error quickly, but to leave them smiling. At no time should erasing all our data or miscalculating our tax due and getting us audited come up.
Needless to say, The Phat Phree should go black for a day, with just a picture of me on the homepage (preferably not of the crazy Italian guy currently starring as me on my profile). The rest of the week should be a Best Of Hagges tribute, even if we have to re-credit This Gangbang is So Awkward to fill the space. All negative comments should be edited out, as should any comments about You have nice site my homepage. Perhaps some of the regular commenters could write eulogies. All proceeds from the Striped Shirt book should go to a scholarship in my name that will go to my relatives.
Im just glad I could get this off my chest before someone could claim that theyre doing what they would do anyway because thats what Mike would have wanted. Now I just need to go see how I can get the Blue Angels to do the Missing Man formation over my funeral.
Ta. Guy Posted: 11/13/2006by: That Guy "Man of color"? But Mom and Dad are Irish!
Wow, I guess the next-door neighbor was right - Mom was a slut.
I do recall now that the mailman, Mr. Jackson, was around a lot... I want a real tribute Posted: 11/13/2006by: Tangent Guy When I die, I want a week where in my honor all of the hotties in America find a middle aged overweight Man of Color and bang his lights out. (No, if they all do the same guy it doesn't count) Cuddy Posted: 11/13/2006by: Tom A When you die, I want to see a montage of one-hop pegs to nail silly baserunners at third, high big flies on hanging curveballs twenty rows up in leftfield cupholderless seats, higher still big flies into the retractables in center, and a few sliding catches going over the "bullpen" mounds in foul territory as the ball boy moves the folding chair.
And no shots of any drops up against the wall, or bad strikeouts on the curve ball very low and away.
Good article. I was saddened by the news, knowing that any one who plays for "The U" must have been a great guy. A solid 4 Posted: 11/13/2006by: Kotter "You have nice site My Homepage" made me laugh.
The media is apparently covering up the details of this botched drug deal. deuce Posted: 11/13/2006by: antony i just wanted to say... that was the single greatest comment ever...i actually burst blood vessel in my nose while laughing... you suck
