 | Ron (before.) |
I took my dog Ron to the vet yesterday and returned with some extremely disturbing news. Ron is a hermaphrodite. There I said it... my dog is a fucking hermaphrodite. How did this happen? I've had him, I mean her, I mean IT for three years now. The vet said that this is fairly common and that it shouldn't really matter since Ron was neutered years ago. Well guess what Doc, it sure as fuck matters to me. How would you like it if I told you your son had ovaries? Ron, who my friends are now affectionately calling Rhonda, has been a true source of unconditional love for me for the past three years and now I can't even look at him, I mean IT. The vet added that this is a "perfectly natural" occurence in many animals. Again Doc, I disagree. When I think of something that is "perfectly natural" I think of a nineteen year old girl's ass, not a dog with both testicles and ovaries.
It's almost as if Ron has known this whole time that IT was a "he she" and is now ashamed that I found out. Ron has made ITself scarce around the house ever since our appointment. This is like finding out your son is gay. Were there warning signs? I mean Ron has always been a little goofy. IT was never really into the whole retrieving or swimming thing. Ron is fond of cats and cashmere. This is my sister's fault for giving me that cashmere throw for the couch last Christmas. Goddam her! OHNO is this my fault? I did make him wear that silly wig last Halloween. Things have always been a bit awkward at the dog park. Other dogs have always seemed somewhat confused after sniffing Ron's butt.
Ron and I went to the dog park this evening as an experiment and I don't know who "told", but that place emptied out faster than a movie theater fire. It was as if we were carrying an airborn case of herpes or something. What am I going to do? Of all the puppies I had to choose from I picked out a fucking shemale. I've already spent two hundred bucks to have IT's balls cut off and now I have to pay two hundred more to have Ron's ovaries removed. I can't believe I just said "have Ron's ovaries removed." You've got to be fucking kidding me...
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