What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right? Apparently what happened was my brain cells and my money because that is all that stayed there. The part where I projectile vomited my 27 free drinks into the air and then back into my own mouth while staring up at the ceiling show on Fremont street went up on YouTube yesterday. Anyway, I had convinced TPP editor in chief Charlie DeMarco to join me in Vegas for a Halloween gun show and a chance to fire a real M-60 (a moment that can only be compared to one of those blow jobs where the chick gets so into it that she grabs your ass and imbibes your urethra grease directly into her esophagus). But we never made it to the convention center for that or a library with a computer. In fact the only hotspot I found where I could upload my long column was the sauna in the locker room for UNLVs girls basketball team, so I never got my reviews in last week either. Instead we learned several very important lessons about the city of Las Vegas.
1. Lance Burton is a master magician. He can apparently transport 100 dollars from my pocket to his and can make his penis disappear into a small Asian boy and then make him levitate.
2. Strippers are thieves. We found out the hard way that the purpose of a lap dance is to distract you with implant and c-section scars while the dancer uses her labia to scoot your cash out of your pocket. You might think the motor boat is a good thing, but as Lance Burton informed us the misdirection is the trick and bouncers really dont respond to that whore gave me blue balls and robbed me, make her pay my drink tab!
3. Free drinks are expensive. Everytime I was finally "up" on a table the drink girl would come by. They seemed to know I was winning money like there were hundreds of cameras on me at any given time. Weird. She must have been psychic or something. Of course as soon as I put in my drink order my tilt would begin. But who can leave a roulette table when a free drink is coming. Maybe six spins with a hundred bucks on 00 isnt the smartest thing in the world, but you cant beat a gratis Jack and Coke, unless you think you can buy a bottle of Jack and a two liter of cola for less 637 bucks.
4. Purple Reign is the best kept secret in Vegas. Sad that you never got to see Prince in his heyday? Pissed that hes an insane Jehovahs Witness now that wont play any of his songs about fuckin or wanting to be a lesbian? Well never fear. Purple Reign does 3 sets of not only Princes best stuff, but they switch out lead singers and do The Time as well! And the show is actually free. If I was your girlfriend Id say spending Wednesday nights at the Monte Carlo micro brewery freaking old ladies on the dance floor who just lost their retirement money to "Darling Nikki" and "Ice Cream Castles" is the best thing you can do in Vegas.
5. Vegas is the worst place to watch boxing. Chaz and I thought it would be fun to lay a couple bucks on long odds Baldomir and watch Mayweather steal our money on the multitude of TV screens in the Venetian Sports Book. But even hours after LSU had ruined everyone's college football parlays the fight still wasn't on any of the screens. Finally we asked what was the fucking deal and found out that fights are always blacked out in Vegas so no one ever gets to see boxing unless there are in the arena. Last minute tickets were only 125 bucks, but as anyone who has been to Vegas on a Saturday night can tell you Michael J Fox can sign his name,dig up Christopher Reeve and teach him how to walk faster than you can get from the Venetian to Mandalay Bay. So instead I watched Sticky Mayonaise take Axe Elrose in the fifth race at Hollywood Park. Boo.
6. White People are awesome! On Halloween night we walked into a little casino called South Coast located about five miles south of the main strip on Vegas Blvd. And boy the werent kinding when they put South in the title of this place. Wall to wall there were men in cowboy hats with only a smattering of regular costumes thrown in between. We quickly found out that this casino houses the local Vegas rodeo so the spittoons next to the dollar fifty Let It Ride table and the midget in clown make up slapping a waitresses ass in time to the Travis Tritt blaring on the house speakers began to make sense. What didnt make sense was the guy who walked passed me dressed as Lebron James for Halloween. The jersey and shorts made sense, but the puffy afro wig was a bit of a quandary. Lebron doesnt have a fro. But the black shoe polish on this white mans face should have given away the fact that he wasnt really shooting for accuracy. Ten minutes later Charlie points out to me that not only does this guy look like hes going to bust out singing Mammy at any point, but he is also a casino employed Black Jack dealer! Needless to say that casino might not invite me back until I pay for the card shoe I used to give blackface Lebron a free Jack and Coke colonic, but well see.
Next year I think I will just go camping and use $5000 dollars cash as kindling.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons. An added testicle for shit that is in between.
By now most of you have seen Sascha Baron Cohens epic masterpiece of Kazakhi infotainment. I know this because a Hasidic rabbi came up to me in the deli yesterday and told me he would change into a rat and make liquid explosion on my stomosh if I didnt give him 20 dollars, pause, not. I can only hope that now frat boys will stop quoting Anchorman and instead quote themselves, Ill do it. I dont give a fuck! Certainly brings new meaning to the term cheese dick. But regardless of how irritating this movie will be in the years to come as it snowballs in the stuff of comedy legend right between Belushis Samurai Chef and Andy Kaufman vs. Jerry The King Lawler, for now it is simply the funniest thing put on film since Fletch told us how everything is ball bearings these days.
Sascha also deserves extra credit points for his dedication to his work. Not only did he refuse to do any promotional interviews as himself, but he has also never washed his Borat suit so that when people first encounter him he smells disgusting and foreign, kind of like the finger I use to test Thai hookers for quality. If that werent enough then certainly letting a fat man tea bag him on film should garner him an academy award nod. So why then with a comic genius so dedicated to his work did Fox decide to pull Borat out of 1200 theaters the week before it opened? I can certainly understand the benefit of lowered expectations after Snakes On A Plane, but there is a difference here. Primarily that one movie is good and the other was designed to suck a wet shart out of my ass. Sure middle America might not identify with the Borat character, but if a rabbi thinks the running of the Jew is funny, then cant a Dixie Chick hater find the humor in, we support your war of terror? Maybe Fox got scared when Kazakhstan started protesting, but the joke is not on them. The joke is on Americans who would believe that a Kazakhstanian would bring a bag of his own shit to the dinner table. Smart Americans know that true Kazakhs prefer to eat it fresh. African American corner boys, fundamentalists speaking in tongues, vapid weather men, feminists, animal rights activists, politicians and even Pam Anderson fall under attack from nave wit of the Borat character. So maybe it is Fox that over looked that fact that equal opportunity comic annihilation is money in the bank. But we already new that. Target Observe Ridicule is still the best way to prove a point and and keep the audience on your side the whole time. And Sacha Baron Cohen is obviously on his way to being the next Mike Polk. Great success!
While one comic genius shows us how funny an over the top character can be another sets out to prove that he doesnt have to be ridiculous to entertain. Too bad no one told Will Ferrell that before he started filming Bewitched. But with Talledega Nights under his belt the timing is right for him to take his stab at Being John Malkovich with an offbeat comedy of bizarity. But while Borat envokes Andy Kaufman, writer Charlie Kaufman has nothing to do with this little adult fantasy. No, surprisingly the director of Halle Berrys porno, Monsters Ball, is at the helm of this Adaptation. The story is simple. A boring IRS worker has a woman narrating his comicly tragic life in his head, but before the comic narration of his life turns into the ending of Resevoir Dogs where new characters have to be introduced to cart off the bodies, Harold Crick along with Tootsies help needs to track down the British author that is writing his lifes story. Confused? Dont be. The only question you should be asking yourself is how Maggie Gyllenhall landed the love interest part when she looks like she got smacked in the face and the tits with an iron skillet. I mean Will Ferrell shouldn't be playing across Scarlet Johanssen or anything but that doesn't mean has to fuck a smashed potato either. But to each his own. If you are looking for a change of pace that doesnt involve seeing polaroids of the oversized junk of Borats son, then quirky little film is definitely you best choice this weekend.
Next week,Bond does pilates, Bobby Kennedy gets killed again, and our Fast Food Nation gets fictionalized. Plus maybe I will put some thought into figuring out if introducing The Others is "Lost's" way of jumping the shark like any episode of "Twin Peaks" after they revealed who killed Laura Palmer.
PS Charlie came up with "urethra grease" stumbling out of the Luxor after getting blasted with Blue Man bannana so I guess I should give him credit for that.
1. Do you tip for a free drink? For a cab ride? Just because you hit your double down in black jack? For a lap dance? For a paper towel and a squirt of Drakkar? For a three dollar steak and eggs? You tell me. After a week in Vegas I really want to know when is gratuity gratuitous?
2. Caption This
3. What was the biggest shock of the week? That Ed Bradley and Adebisi bit it? That Nancy Pelosi is two bullets away from running the world and Rumsfeld is more unemployed than Gary Coleman. Or that Britney dumped K-fed mere hours after he challenged John Cena to a World Title match on New Years day?
Tun Tavern Posted: 11/14/2006by: Bill Came out as a bottled beer knock-off to Sam Adams for about 15 minutes 10 years ago. They sold cut-rate BOTTLED beer that only held special significance to Marines. My family is in the beer business so I got 50 some odd cases for around 10 bucks a case. Over/under on glass injuries for the six month period after the bulk Tun Tavern purchase is 40, if someone wants to weigh in with a guess I'll announce winners later on. I hope Posted: 11/13/2006by: DLamp they don't pull a WCW and give K-Fed the best a la David Arquette. Then I will just quit.
1. I don't go to Vegas. I go to Laughlin. It's cheaper, and more white trash, just like me.
2. "Bring it on! No, seriously, go get our food for us. We may be forced by the state to allow a negro on the cheer team, but we will not give up our principles!"
3. I am surprised about the divorce. I always thought she was too stupid to do much of anything, let alone go to a lawyer and get papers filed. Who knew. TREK Posted: 11/13/2006by: Heyyyy is it just me or does Will Farrell look like James T. Kirk in a crappy Trek Movie? MIT Posted: 11/13/2006by: Drew 2. Milfs In Training: Getting ready for a ride on the bangbus Aww Posted: 11/13/2006by: Christine Happy birthday guys! My Faith is Lost Posted: 11/13/2006by: dc November 10th was the 231st Marine Corps Birthday. Founded in Philadelphia on November 10th, 1775 at Tun Tavern.
Haha Posted: 11/13/2006by: Tom C 1.Yeah, tip waitresses when the bill is over 8 bucks or so.
2."Wait, we're women. We don't go here. Why do I have a fucking cone with "MIT" on it?
3. A deer ate some candy out of a plastic pumpkin and got its nose stuck in it. Hopefully a hunter will end its misery. Brattattattatatattatta! Posted: 11/10/2006by: Napal Jones Not my birthday. The footage going around the internet of me mooning the audience while a Prince impersonator sings happy birthday was actually Demarco's girl's b-day. My b-day is in March. I'll be sure to let Xtine know the day so I can get my well deserve lyrical masterpiece from her. I'm also hoping BDC will make good on her b-day promise. My friend Tack who is an MP is gonna have a jeep gassed up and an empty cell waiting for me just for the occasion. Tom, I'm surprised you read this every week if you never go to the movies, but thanks for living vicariously through me, since I am forced to watch about three new movies a week. 60 minutes? Posted: 11/10/2006by: Christine Is that on the food network?
I can't believe we didn't properly celebrate Napalm's birthday. I didn't know. I feel awful. I would have definitely crafted one of my dope rhymes for him.
DC, how the hell do you know everyone's birthday? U2 Posted: 11/10/2006by: dc Antony.
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill! 
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
By now most of you have seen Sascha Baron Cohens epic masterpiece of Kazakhi infotainment. I know this because a Hasidic rabbi came up to me in the deli yesterday and told me he would change into a rat and make liquid explosion on my stomosh if I didnt give him 20 dollars, pause, not. I can only hope that now frat boys will stop quoting Anchorman and instead quote themselves, Ill do it. I dont give a fuck! Certainly brings new meaning to the term cheese dick. But regardless of how irritating this movie will be in the years to come as it snowballs in the stuff of comedy legend right between Belushis Samurai Chef and Andy Kaufman vs. Jerry The King Lawler, for now it is simply the funniest thing put on film since Fletch told us how everything is ball bearings these days.
While one comic genius shows us how funny an over the top character can be another sets out to prove that he doesnt have to be ridiculous to entertain. Too bad no one told Will Ferrell that before he started filming Bewitched. But with Talledega Nights under his belt the timing is right for him to take his stab at Being John Malkovich with an offbeat comedy of bizarity. But while Borat envokes Andy Kaufman, writer Charlie Kaufman has nothing to do with this little adult fantasy. No, surprisingly the director of Halle Berrys porno, Monsters Ball, is at the helm of this Adaptation. The story is simple. A boring IRS worker has a woman narrating his comicly tragic life in his head, but before the comic narration of his life turns into the ending of Resevoir Dogs where new characters have to be introduced to cart off the bodies, Harold Crick along with Tootsies help needs to track down the British author that is writing his lifes story. Confused? Dont be. The only question you should be asking yourself is how Maggie Gyllenhall landed the love interest part when she looks like she got smacked in the face and the tits with an iron skillet. I mean Will Ferrell shouldn't be playing across Scarlet Johanssen or anything but that doesn't mean has to fuck a smashed potato either. But to each his own. If you are looking for a change of pace that doesnt involve seeing polaroids of the oversized junk of Borats son, then quirky little film is definitely you best choice this weekend.
