Drunken Kickball
There are 5 reasons:
1) Babe Ruth
2) Andre the Giant
3) David Boon
4) David Wells
5) Lawrence Taylor
As a child, I didnt want to be a great athlete like most boys. They idolized model sportsmen: Michael Jordan, John Elway, Cal Ripken. I wantted to be a great drunken athlete. The guys who went against every rule of the game: be physically fit, get a good nights rest before a game, be a good sport. Fuck that! By studying them, I learned the foundation for my lifes calling. Drunken Kickball, the sport that requires both athletic prowess and superior alcoholism.
 From Babe Ruth I learned:
Diet
Just like Ruth, I maintain my obese playing physique with a strictly-regimented gluttonous diet. Early each night, I fill my bathtub with beer and soak in it until Ive consumed it all. That relaxes my muscles and settles my stomach for my third dinner of the night: lamb shanks and porterhouse steak. After that I get the party started with bottles of prohibition rotgut whisky. Since I havent found a reliable bootlegger like Ruth had in his days, I distill my own whisky in mason jars under my bathroom sink. For dessert I enjoy a nice hooker springing with venereal disease. I awake early the next morning, around noon, head to the ballpark and challenge bystanders to hotdog-eating contests until the game. With that routine, Im guaranteed to kick three homeruns a game.
State of Mind
Part of my diet also feeds my enlightened state of mind. Ruth was so great because he stayed completely focused on the field. No outside worries crossed his mind. While other players concerned themselves with whether or not they had VD, Ruth knew he had it and moved forward. Each time it burns when I urinate, I know thats complete focus for my next big game.
 From Andre the Giant I learned:
Multi-tasking
Hulk Hogan recalls Andre drinking an entire case of tallboys each day on the tour bus. As he finished each can, hed belch and bank the empty off of Hogans prissy-boy, blond head. As a busy athlete, you need to learn to multi-task. Andre was accomplishing many things at once: traveling to the next city, getting drunk, belching, and fucking with his opponent. These are all essential before a big performance.
Since my Drunken Kickball team doesnt have a bus, I multi-task by getting a ride to each game from opposing teammate. I chug a six-pack of tallboys in their backseat and toss the empties at their head. Unfortunately, once I hit the driver in the eye, causing him to swerve into oncoming traffic. Some say I should be concerned by the lawsuits and loss of lives from that incident. However, Im sure once I go pro, Ill have enough money to fix all of it.
Style
Many gape as I squeeze my morbidly obese body into a one-strap singlet to play Drunken Kickball. But theyre small-minded. Andre was French. One-strap singlets are very European, just like Speedos at the beach. My uniform lets people know Im worldly, stylish, and incredibly sexy. Andre pulled a lot of tail. And while I dont yet, I know my attire will catch on and pay off soon.
 From David Boon I learned:
Intimidation
Tasmanian David Boon is the Babe Ruth of Australian cricket. He didnt set as many batting records, but hed match Ruth beer for beer. Boon once drank 52 beers on a flight to England, then walked off the plane and attended a press conference.
Once during an internationally televised match, he vomited on the field at Adelaide Oval, the most honored cricket field in Australia. His team easily won that game and Boon was voted Player of the Game. Its because he intimidated the fuck out of the other team. If he doesnt respect the greatest cricket field, he definitely wont respect your face when aiming a cricket ball at it. Thats why at the beginning of each game I puke on as much of the field as possible. Theyre afraid to even step on the field with me. I also piss on home plate during my first at bat.
Facial Hair Grooming Techniques
Boon proved that you dont have to be on the 76 Oakland As to sport a killer handlebar mustache. Its a great fucking look in any decade. While Ive been able to grow one like him, I still havent figured out how he kept chunks of vomit out of it.
 From David Wells I learned:
Warmup
The night before Wells pitched his first no hitter, he drank until the morning hours with the cast of Saturday Night Live. Some baseball fans are surprised to learn he was able pitch so well with a horrific hangover. However, it makes sense. When youre hungover at work, youll do anything to make the day go faster. The fastest way for Wells to get home and back into bed was by striking everyone out. Its a good philosophy.
Since I cant party with the SNL cast, I party with a group of local comedians. All night I listen to jokes about how black people are different than white people and how women are different than men and how silly it is that you have to put up your tray table before a plane takes off. The hacky jokes add to my horrible hangover the next day and I do everything in my power to win the game as quickly as possible. When Im unable to strike out a batter, I tackle them.
Conditioning
In his book, Wells claims he conditioned his arm as a kid by throwing rocks at homeless people. This is really a win/ win situation for everyone: you train while helping the community by tormenting hobos. To train my leg, I kick as many bums as possible. This works for any sport: bowlers, roll balls at them; tennis players, hit them with a racket; swimmers, push them in the pool and hold them under. Its all making you stronger.
 From Lawrence Taylor I learned:
The Intelligent Psyche Out
Taylor is the smartest of this bunch. The Einstein of football. Rather than just intimidate opposing quarterbacks with his brute size, he would send beautiful hookers to their hotel rooms the night before the game. That way they wouldnt get any sleep. For an added bonus, he would first fuck the hooker himself and tell her not to shower before going over. Unbeknownst to them, quarterbacks got his sloppy seconds. All night they smelt Taylor, the alpha male of the pack, and didnt even realize it. The next day, with Taylor lying on top of them in a heap, a familiar smell would tickle their nostrils and a shiver would chill them to the core.
I dont have enough money to send beautiful hookers, so I break into rivals houses and masturbate on their beds. Then I prank call them all night long to make sure they dont sleep. At the game the next day, I run up and bear-hug them. You should see the fear in their eyes when they recognize the smell.
Stamina
The smartest thing Taylor did was get addicted to crack. Do you know how many beers you can drink when youre on cocaine? Infinite. Well, crack is coke supreme. That means you can party infinity times infinity and still play in Super Bowl XXI the next day. Plus, its super cheap. Often times you can score by blowing the dealer.
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