Honestly, I never thought Id get past the first one, but here I am at 9,997 blowjobs. Yep, 10,000 here I come. I can just taste it.
You know, its funny. Contrary to what 9,997 dicks might imply, Im not even gay. Nope, all man (I even crap standing up). But you get drunk, one of your buddies dares you, you say "yes" and the rest is history. Hey, not my idea of a good time, but a dares a dare. You just gotta suck it up and deal with it.
Ill tell ya, one blowjob is a big enough dare if youre not into dick, but my God, 10,000? What was I thinking? I once tried to piece it all together and I believe it went something like this, Hey Matt, I dare you to suck a dick. And then I said, I think, You call that a dare? Make it 10,000 dicks. I suppose, that sounds right. Oh whisky, you are the devil.
As I reach this milestone, Im trying to think what the worst part was. Ah, I guess Id have to say all of it. First of all, Ive got this horrible gag reflex. I mean, I can barely swallow an Advil and here I was getting ready to put penises into my mouth. Lets just say the first customer wasnt too happy. What else? Oh, the taste. My God. Penises taste awful, like the way a monkey would taste if you ate it raw. I still cringe and Ive had nearly 10,000 of them. So yeah, theres that and, oh, pubic hair. Yeah, pubes reek. I mean, I thought men shaving down there was kind of gay, but then I suck a lot of dick so what do I know? Gee what else? Hmmmm. Oh yeah, semen. Now that was weird. See, it wasnt so much the taste as it was the consistency. Im not quite sure how to describe it. I guess its kind of like animal fat mixed with Crisco, but not. I dont know. It just wasnt very pleasant. Half the time Id spit it out anyway. So yeah, I guess thats about it. Oh wait. One more thing. While most guys were kind of cool, every once in a while Id get these jerks whod be like, thats right bitch, suck it. And Id have to stop and say, Look, if you call me a bitch one more time were done. God, that annoyed me. Where do these people get off?
 | I couldn't have gone past 2,000 if it weren't for sailors. |
In some ways, Im pretty proud of myself. Sure I was giving blowjobs to mostly strangers Id meet at the OTB or at gas stations, but still, I set a goal and Im three dicks away from it. It wasnt like I had to eat 10,000 ice cream cones or see a bunch of Pauly Shore movies (which would be hilarious!!!). Where would be the challenge in that? No my friends, were talking blowjobs: sticky, smelly, vomit inducing blowjobs.
Was I good? Well not at first. At first, I kind of sucked. I mean the gagging and all. But boy, once I hit my stride, Id say around my 450th blowjob, I was on fire. I got compliments left and right. I guess playing with the balls helped. I mean its the little things, you know? At first I was like, you want me to play with your balls too? Jesus Christ, Im sucking your dick you ungrateful asshole! Isnt that enough? But in time, I was like, you know, screw it, Im down here anyway. And I have to say, its nice to be told youre doing a good job. It feels great actually.
Would I do it again? Thats a tough one. I mean sure right now Im kind of proud of myself, but I certainly didnt always feel this way. Really, it wasnt until my like 8,000 blowjob that I finally felt ok with it. You know for the first 300 I cried myself to sleep wondering what the hell Ive become. After the next 1,000 I was pretty much dead inside. Eventually it just became a way of life, like what God put me on this Earth to do. I lost my self, my individuality. It was like I was a machine, a dick sucking machine. But you know. Im better now. Still, the question remains. Would I do it again? Im going to have to say probably not. Not quite 100% but mostly no.
You know whats interesting? Youd think it would be my mouth being sore that would bother me the most. Nope, it was actually my knees. They were killing me, and I was such an idiot about it too. Youd think after the 700th blowjob it would occur to me to get a pillow or something. Nooo, not me. It wasnt until my 6,311th blowjob, yep, I remember this perfectly, that the guy I was sucking off goes, Dude, whats the matter? You look awful. And Im thinking like, Fuck you buddy, its not like Im enjoying myself here. I dont need your shit right now. But, for some reason, I was cool about it and said, Its my knees, theyre killing me. And Julio, yeah I remember now, Julio, hes like, Why not take your jacket off and use it as a cushion? And I think, Im such a knucklehead. Oh Julio. He was great.
So, there you have it, three more to go. Oh, one more thing, this is funny. My friend John, the guy who dared me, says to me yesterday, Hey Matt, you do realize I meant guys named Dick. I hope those 9,994 guys (Right 9,994. I had blown the pizza delivery guy last night and a couple of garbage men this morning) were all named Dick. And I was like, Ahhh, no. And then after like ten seconds of silence but looking serious and surprised at my confusion, he goes, Gotcha. Boy I was about to kill him. That guy. Im so gonna use my teeth on him.
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