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So everyone that I know got married this summer. I guess I’m just at that age where people either find their true love or just pretend that the person they found is their true love because they are tired of looking and are starting to get fat. Either way, I’ve spent the better part of my summer in hotel reception halls choosing between the chicken and the beef and trying to get drunk enough to make the Bee Gees listenable.
The saving grace of weddings is obviously the open bar aspect. I have a little game that I like to play at each wedding I attend. My goal is to drink so much booze that the financial worth of the alcohol that I consume surpasses the cost of the gift that I got for the couple. Because that way I feel like I won. I get my date involved too. Here’s a typical exchange:
Me- Keep drinking!
Date- I can’t drink any more! I feel sick!
Me- You’re going to keep fucking drinking! Four more seabreezes and we pass up the cost of that fondue set! Now drink!
Date- (Inaudible speech muffled by sobbing)
Me- And eat some more salmon, for Christ’s sake! That shit’s expensive! Put some in your goddamned purse!
-scene-
Speaking of wedding gifts, just a little hint to the readers here: even if you think that giving the new couple a gift certificate for marriage counseling is an hysterical present, I can assure you that from personal experience, the bride does not generally agree. Just a heads-up.
And as I’m sure you all know, buying wedding presents can get expensive; especially if you’re faced with an onslaught of nuptials, the way I was this summer. Slipping five bucks into a card or two is one thing, but six or seven weddings and that shit starts to add up. But don’t sweat it. I’ve got you covered.
If you don’t want to spend any money on a present, do what I do. Print out a picture of the cosmos off the internet, circle a star and say you registered it under the couple’s name with “The International Astronomy Organization”. The card should read as follows:
Keith and Valerie, Now before you get mad and say I went overboard, (Do I know you guys or what? LOL) just remember how invaluable your friendship is to me. Yes it set me back a little bit, but this is a gift for me as much as you. Because now, whenever I cast my gaze to the heavens, I’ll see the “Keith and Valerie Supernova 6194 “ and be reminded of your blessed union. I hope that your love is as eternal and unwavering as the glow of your star.
Yours Is 3rd From Left
It’s foolproof, people. Even if they know you’re bullshitting them, they’ll have the tact not to call you on it. They’ll just quietly dislike and pity you. Everybody wins!
From my summer-long wedding experience, I have also compiled a list of songs that apparently must legally be played at every reception. If you’re getting married and you don’t want to spend money on a cheesedick wedding DJ who’s “just doing this to pay the bills till his band takes off”, you could pretty much just burn these ten songs and play them continuously throughout the evening and no one would be the wiser.
10- The Electric Slide: Ric Silver. This wretched wedding mainstay has kept middle-aged women and gay men happy since it’s unholy inception in 1976. Inevitably, the dance will feature one person who can not master the simple choreography and whose violent kicks and turns will hobble upwards of six guests.
9- Celebration: Kool And The Gang. I love this song because it’s so literal. It gives me specific instructions on exactly what I should be doing at this occasion. And I need that sometimes. If I had a nickel for every time I was just sitting quietly in a corner at a wedding, wondering how I should behave. And then K and the G kicks on, and I say to myself, “Wait a minute....There IS a party going on right here! I SHOULD celebrate, and have a good time!”.
8- You Shook Me All Night Long: AC/DC. A bunch of drunk 50-year old women kicking off their heels and awkwardly dancing in a circle. I’m certain that this is exactly what AC/DC had in mind when they wrote it.
7- Hawaii Five-O Theme Song: Morton Stevens. Who’s ready to hit the floor, straddle a cousin and get to paddlin’? Aloha!
6- Brick House: The Commodores. It’s time for your mom to get “mighty mighty and let it all hang out!”
5- Oh What a Night, Late December 1963: Frankie Valley and the Four Seasons. This is by far the biggest wedding song mystery to me. How did this stupid, not particularly danceable song about a teenager losing his virginity in the winter work it’s way into the rotation of nearly every wedding I have ever attended? Baffling.
4- The Chicken Dance: Frank Yankovic. Finally, a song that transcends generations and gives kids and adults the chance to look severely retarded together as one.
3- Unforgettable: Nat King Cole, Natalie Cole. Often played during the traditional “father of the bride” dance, there’s nothing more heartwarming than a talentless live girl dueting with her talented dead dad.
Is It Truly Electric?
2- Old Time Rock and Roll: Bob Seger. Get out here dad! Bite that lower lip and show us how people ought to dance! Dad, your tie’s around your head! That’s not appropriate, is it? Oh well, I guess anything goes at this wedding!
1- The Locomotion: Grand Funk Railroad. Heyo! Now we’re getting crazy. Have you been looking for an excuse all night to get a handful of your Aunt Connie’s backfat? Want to satisfy that lifelong desire to simulate backdoor action on her? Now’s your chance! All but the most miserable old uncles will be guilted into hopping on board this awkward and incestuous groove train. The chain is bound to break up on occasion when it encounters a minor roadblock (eg. guest in a wheelchair), but don’t worry; they’ll catch up! And wait, what’s this? The train is leaving the reception hall?! They can’t do that! Can they? That’s not right! Where’d they go? I can’t see them anymore! What the hell is going on?! Oh, wait! There they are! Coming in that other door! I’ll tell you what, this wedding is not for the weak of heart! We are in for a long night!
In closing, my sincerest congratulations to all of the nine couples who’s weddings I attended this summer. I know that the current divorce rate can be daunting, but if I have ever seen a couple who will be able to make it all work, it is the eighteen of you. You are different. You are special. Slainte!
I empathize. My summer is coming up next year. It always occurs 3-8 years post-college. I can't wait until date night parties occur and I get the sympathy post-meal call to meet up for "a few drinks". "A few drinks", used to mean lets start at a bar and end up with a frighteningly juvenile close call to arrest or ass-kicking. Then it will be an uncormfortably lit wine bar where everyone starts to yawn at 10:30 after finihing their samplers. No shit, you're yawning! This bar is playing fucking Radiohead! Awwwgh! Either way, let's hear it for the happy couples!
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