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Look closely at this picture. You really cannot become any more of a badass than this guy.
Upon receiving the news of a Transformers movie due out in July of 2007, I began to drift into a deep imaginative state, contemplating the possibilities of other possible live-action movies based on cartoons from my childhood. With Transformers out of the way, I immediately turned to the freedom fighting heroics of America’s best anti-terrorism task force… G.I. Joe. G.I. Joe not only supplied me with adventures beyond my wildest dreams, it gave me life-saving tips at the conclusion of each episode.
Never again would I walk on icy ponds, paint my bike in a closed garage, or taunt local homeless people by waving my allowance in front of their face, while poking them with broom handles. G.I. Joe made me a pretty decent human being. The Joes helped raise me. How great would a G.I. Joe movie be?
Awesome, I bet. As a matter of fact, there are probably talks about it right now and I’m just being ignorant. Well, fuck it. I’m taking the first step. I have written the first scene of "G.I. Joe Will Kill Your Whole Village and Burn it Down". I chose the original title to set a fan-based mood for the film and hopefully influence the real filmmakers. Also, I know that my film title will stand apart from any future film that might take the easy way out with an unoriginal piece of shit title like G.I. Joe: The Movie. My title is far better. It gives the expectant viewer a taste of the awesome skull-collapsing intensity of our Real American heroes. Without further delay, the opening scene of G.I. Joe Will Kill Your Whole Village and Burn it Down.
G.I. Joe Will Kill Your Whole Village and Burn it Down A screenplay by Juan Turlington
Scene 1:
Characters: (I urge all readers to suggest characters for new scenes and make casting suggestions)
Duke: Uncast Snake Eyes: Uncast Lady J: Paris Hilton Roadblock: Mr. T Zartan: Uncast Destro: Uncast
(Screen fades from black: An image of an army camp placed in a rocky, mountainous region appears. Soldiers move from one tent to another. The camera pans in, slowly, towards Duke and Lady J, deep in discussion, outside the mess hall.)
Lady J: We should move into the village of Nebrecio this nightfall; we’ll take them off-guard and find out about Cobra’s latest movements!
Duke: That’s dangerous, besides… Snake-Eyes went into the village yesterday morning and beat up every single bad-ass in the village and had sex with their girlfriends.
Lady J: Yeah, but what does that tell us about Cobra?
Duke: Well, Snake Eyes interrogated each bad-ass, one by one, before killing them. Then he bashed their heads open with rocks, flipped their bodies upside down, and used them as giant Crayola markers and wrote out maps of Cobra movement on the ground with their blood.
Lady J: But Snake-Eyes doesn’t talk… How did he interrogate the...
(Duke kicks Lady J in the teeth and spits in her face)
(At that moment, gunfire breaks out. A barage of bullets rip through the sky and blast their way through Par.. I mean Lady J’s head. She falls to the ground as wild coyotes move in and eat her. As the coyotes gnaw the skin off of her face, Roadblock emerges from behind a tree and lays down cover fire. Duke takes cover behind a bike rack. The gunshots subside, and Zartan and Destro emerge from the brush with guns drawn. Duke places his hands above his head and walks out from behind the bike rack. Roadblock sprints off into the wilderness to request back-up from a nearby Joe camp.)
Destro: On your knees, Joe!
Duke: Not again Destro! That was college, and I’d do anything for coke!
Destro: Not a word, Fucker!
Zartan: Enough of this shit, assholes. Surrender now, and free Cobra Commander
Destro: Yeah! Mother fucker!
Duke: Cobra Commander who?
(Destro kicks Duke in the balls and catches his hair on fire.)
Destro: Surrender now! Bitch!
You can almost hear bones breaking when you look at him.
(At this moment, Snake Eyes falls from the sky, does 17 backflips, and lands perfectly on a log.)
Destro: Snake Eyes, you are such a dick!
Snake Eyes: (breathes heavily)
(Snake Eyes jumps into the sky and does a somersault. He pulls a sword from his backpack and cuts Destro into a thousand pieces with one swipe, defying all laws of natural physics. As Destro screams, Snake Eyes puts the chopped up pieces of him into separate parcels and mails them to different cities around the world. He rips out Destro’s eyes and throws them on the ground.)
Duke: (yelling) SEE what happens when you mess with Snake Eyes!
(Snake Eyes stomps on Destro’s eyeballs and holds his stomach as he gestures to imply that he is laughing heartily.)
Zartan: You’ll never take me alive!
(Zartan dashes for a motorcycle parked at a nearby clearing in the bush.)
Snake Eyes: (continues gestured laughing)
(Snake Eyes leaps into the air and disassembles the motor-cycle, piece by piece,before Zartan can get there.)
Zartan: Fuck!
(Snake Eyes punches through Zartan’s face and rips out his brain)
Duke: Looks like Zartan will be using even less of his brain than Einstein ever thought a human would!
(Snake Eyes punts Zartan’s brain into the atmosphere. It dissolves in a fading fiery flash)
(Duke and Snake Eyes give each other a jumping high-five. Duke's arm falls off because Snake Eyes is so strong. Snake Eyes takes out a spool of thread from his belt and performs a successful surgery to replace Duke's arm. Duke finds that he now has super-strength in that arm.)
Duke: Thanks Snake Eyes, you really saved my ass.
(Snake Eyes gestures to Duke to shut the fuck up because he senses danger.)
(12 Cobra Ninjas jump from the trees. Snake Eyes pulls his nun-chucks from his belt. The Cobra ninjas are smarter than most movie ninjas and attack Snake-Eyes all at once. Snake-Eyes smacks them with his chucks, then rips all of their skeletons out of their mouths and beats them with their own bones.)
Duke: (laughing) Damn it Snake-Eyes… you are such a bad-ass!
(Snake-Eyes snaps his fingers and 38 hot-ass strippers emerge from the forest and go with him back to his tent.)
Duke: Hey, Snake-Eyes, think you could hook me up?
No one else even deserves a picture.
(Snake-Eyes throws a ninja star across the way and it lodges in Duke’s shoulder)
Duke: (wincing) Alright, no problem, guess we’ll head out to the Cobra camp tomorrow morning. Oh. And by the way... nice toss Snake-Eyes!
No one cares about Grunt. Does anyone even know who I'm talking about? A true old school balla would know who grunt was. To hell with you poop pushers.
Bosco
Ding-Dong
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Post #: 22
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Posted: 9/26/2005 4:35:40 PM
Grunt sucked, he had that bullshit orange padding on his front, what the hell was that, was he hunting, and that bullshit m-16. You got grunt if no one liked you. We used grunt for bottle rocket target practice.
Ding-Dong
what?!?!?!?
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Post #: 23
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Posted: 9/26/2005 4:55:49 PM
I don't remember anything orange about grunt. I do remember grunt having the old drab green fatigues before they switched to camo. I also remember grunt not needing a fancy gun or roids to lay the smack down.
Joe Kickass
Grunt was a pussy
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Post #: 24
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Posted: 9/26/2005 5:08:45 PM
The others used to "Code Red" his ass all the time and beat him with a bar of soap in a sock.
Comic Nerd
Snake Eyes Identity
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Post #: 25
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Posted: 9/26/2005 5:13:51 PM
Snake Eyes was a White guy with Blond Hair. They took his mask off after many years in the Comic book....an even not quite as big as Supermans Death!!!! Anyway they showed a bunch of big scars and a messed up eye. As nasty as Cobra Comander's face. I still have the comic book in my collection.
serp was weird
yo joe!
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Post #: 26
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Posted: 9/27/2005 7:56:38 AM
Personally, now that I watch GI Joe from the mind of a pseudo-adult who just shouldn't be watching GI Joe, I find it a little difficult to get into Serpentor. The great thing about GI Joe was that it was, more or less, based in reality. Very few of the players had any sort of superpowers or alien attributes...they were just regular guys who either:
A) Went into the GI Joe army because the regular army had too strict of a dress code for their tastes, or...
B) Went into the Cobra terrorist organization because their indistinguishable foreign accents kept them from getting work anywhere that had even remotely righteous virtues.
But Serpentor changed all that, because he certainly wasn't a normal guy. I blame Hasbro for being so drunk during marketing meetings that somehow they were convinced GI Joe needed an evil emperor with a suit that transvestite comedians in Miami swingers clubs wear to produce more interest in the line.
more...
i can read too!
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Post #: 27
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Posted: 9/27/2005 7:59:41 AM
My main complaint with Serpentor was the type of equipment he used, and the way he looked.
First, take a look at that outfit. You know why the guy led Cobra? It had nothing to do with his power or war expertise, it was merely because it was impossible for enemies and the world at large not to devote their full attention to the guy dressed in the gold bodysuit. Its impossible.
Serpentor gained leadership because no one could stop staring at him -- if anyone else tried to take charge of Cobra, they'd seem like a paper champion.
I'm telling you, even if the shittiest baseball player went out on the field wearing a clown wig and a Jesus t-shirt, his autograph charges would go way up.
We're a sick society, and Serpentor knew how to play on that by wearing the most absurd outfit possible.
BeJ
Hmmm
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Post #: 28
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Posted: 9/27/2005 11:54:26 AM
I love G.I. Joe, but this article wasn't very funny. But there should definitely be a movie made by whoever does the X-Men films. They know what they're doing.
brandon
yes
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Post #: 29
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Posted: 9/27/2005 3:03:54 PM
this was fucking hilarious
Jeff
what about GUNG HO?
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Post #: 30
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Posted: 9/27/2005 4:07:04 PM
those of you who forgot about gung ho should be ashamed of yourselves
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