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Look closely at this picture. You really cannot become any more of a badass than this guy.
Upon receiving the news of a Transformers movie due out in July of 2007, I began to drift into a deep imaginative state, contemplating the possibilities of other possible live-action movies based on cartoons from my childhood. With Transformers out of the way, I immediately turned to the freedom fighting heroics of America’s best anti-terrorism task force… G.I. Joe. G.I. Joe not only supplied me with adventures beyond my wildest dreams, it gave me life-saving tips at the conclusion of each episode.
Never again would I walk on icy ponds, paint my bike in a closed garage, or taunt local homeless people by waving my allowance in front of their face, while poking them with broom handles. G.I. Joe made me a pretty decent human being. The Joes helped raise me. How great would a G.I. Joe movie be?
Awesome, I bet. As a matter of fact, there are probably talks about it right now and I’m just being ignorant. Well, fuck it. I’m taking the first step. I have written the first scene of "G.I. Joe Will Kill Your Whole Village and Burn it Down". I chose the original title to set a fan-based mood for the film and hopefully influence the real filmmakers. Also, I know that my film title will stand apart from any future film that might take the easy way out with an unoriginal piece of shit title like G.I. Joe: The Movie. My title is far better. It gives the expectant viewer a taste of the awesome skull-collapsing intensity of our Real American heroes. Without further delay, the opening scene of G.I. Joe Will Kill Your Whole Village and Burn it Down.
G.I. Joe Will Kill Your Whole Village and Burn it Down A screenplay by Juan Turlington
Scene 1:
Characters: (I urge all readers to suggest characters for new scenes and make casting suggestions)
Duke: Uncast Snake Eyes: Uncast Lady J: Paris Hilton Roadblock: Mr. T Zartan: Uncast Destro: Uncast
(Screen fades from black: An image of an army camp placed in a rocky, mountainous region appears. Soldiers move from one tent to another. The camera pans in, slowly, towards Duke and Lady J, deep in discussion, outside the mess hall.)
Lady J: We should move into the village of Nebrecio this nightfall; we’ll take them off-guard and find out about Cobra’s latest movements!
Duke: That’s dangerous, besides… Snake-Eyes went into the village yesterday morning and beat up every single bad-ass in the village and had sex with their girlfriends.
Lady J: Yeah, but what does that tell us about Cobra?
Duke: Well, Snake Eyes interrogated each bad-ass, one by one, before killing them. Then he bashed their heads open with rocks, flipped their bodies upside down, and used them as giant Crayola markers and wrote out maps of Cobra movement on the ground with their blood.
Lady J: But Snake-Eyes doesn’t talk… How did he interrogate the...
(Duke kicks Lady J in the teeth and spits in her face)
(At that moment, gunfire breaks out. A barage of bullets rip through the sky and blast their way through Par.. I mean Lady J’s head. She falls to the ground as wild coyotes move in and eat her. As the coyotes gnaw the skin off of her face, Roadblock emerges from behind a tree and lays down cover fire. Duke takes cover behind a bike rack. The gunshots subside, and Zartan and Destro emerge from the brush with guns drawn. Duke places his hands above his head and walks out from behind the bike rack. Roadblock sprints off into the wilderness to request back-up from a nearby Joe camp.)
Destro: On your knees, Joe!
Duke: Not again Destro! That was college, and I’d do anything for coke!
Destro: Not a word, Fucker!
Zartan: Enough of this shit, assholes. Surrender now, and free Cobra Commander
Destro: Yeah! Mother fucker!
Duke: Cobra Commander who?
(Destro kicks Duke in the balls and catches his hair on fire.)
Destro: Surrender now! Bitch!
You can almost hear bones breaking when you look at him.
(At this moment, Snake Eyes falls from the sky, does 17 backflips, and lands perfectly on a log.)
Destro: Snake Eyes, you are such a dick!
Snake Eyes: (breathes heavily)
(Snake Eyes jumps into the sky and does a somersault. He pulls a sword from his backpack and cuts Destro into a thousand pieces with one swipe, defying all laws of natural physics. As Destro screams, Snake Eyes puts the chopped up pieces of him into separate parcels and mails them to different cities around the world. He rips out Destro’s eyes and throws them on the ground.)
Duke: (yelling) SEE what happens when you mess with Snake Eyes!
(Snake Eyes stomps on Destro’s eyeballs and holds his stomach as he gestures to imply that he is laughing heartily.)
Zartan: You’ll never take me alive!
(Zartan dashes for a motorcycle parked at a nearby clearing in the bush.)
Snake Eyes: (continues gestured laughing)
(Snake Eyes leaps into the air and disassembles the motor-cycle, piece by piece,before Zartan can get there.)
Zartan: Fuck!
(Snake Eyes punches through Zartan’s face and rips out his brain)
Duke: Looks like Zartan will be using even less of his brain than Einstein ever thought a human would!
(Snake Eyes punts Zartan’s brain into the atmosphere. It dissolves in a fading fiery flash)
(Duke and Snake Eyes give each other a jumping high-five. Duke's arm falls off because Snake Eyes is so strong. Snake Eyes takes out a spool of thread from his belt and performs a successful surgery to replace Duke's arm. Duke finds that he now has super-strength in that arm.)
Duke: Thanks Snake Eyes, you really saved my ass.
(Snake Eyes gestures to Duke to shut the fuck up because he senses danger.)
(12 Cobra Ninjas jump from the trees. Snake Eyes pulls his nun-chucks from his belt. The Cobra ninjas are smarter than most movie ninjas and attack Snake-Eyes all at once. Snake-Eyes smacks them with his chucks, then rips all of their skeletons out of their mouths and beats them with their own bones.)
Duke: (laughing) Damn it Snake-Eyes… you are such a bad-ass!
(Snake-Eyes snaps his fingers and 38 hot-ass strippers emerge from the forest and go with him back to his tent.)
Duke: Hey, Snake-Eyes, think you could hook me up?
No one else even deserves a picture.
(Snake-Eyes throws a ninja star across the way and it lodges in Duke’s shoulder)
Duke: (wincing) Alright, no problem, guess we’ll head out to the Cobra camp tomorrow morning. Oh. And by the way... nice toss Snake-Eyes!
That last picture, I swear to GOD, was part of the GI JOE PLAYING CARD SET! Holy shit, I had so much fun with those goddamn cards. They were the precursor to Magic cards, but without the intense Gayness that Magic cards have. They were like the super-butch man-tastic cards that your fat, balding dad would encourage you to play on long car trips while he told you about his 5 weeks in the army reserves, and how it "made him a man".
Later, you will realize that after his 5 weeks in the reserves, he went on to become a financial transaction auditor for the fourth-largest insurace company in the state. You will cry over your G.I. Joe playing cards, and then kill yourself.
But still. Those cards were THE SHIT.
Gung Ho
Gung Ho
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Post #: 32
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Posted: 10/1/2005 11:36:54 PM
Please write it in so I kill Par... I mean Lady J.
Clooney as Destro
Stern as Zartan
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Post #: 33
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Posted: 10/3/2005 9:29:51 AM
Howard Stern cast as Zartan.... George Clooney as Destro, but he has a voice over, with Darth Vaders voice. Lou Diamond Phillips as Spirit!
me
haha...
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Post #: 34
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Posted: 10/4/2005 7:15:32 PM
Hilarious.
That is all.
drgreen
dragon rush
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Post #: 35
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Posted: 10/4/2005 7:38:49 PM
FaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggot FaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggot FaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggot FaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggot FaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggotFaggot BLOGS ARE GAY BLOGS ARE GAY BLOGS ARE GAY BLOGS ARE GAY BLOGS ARE GAY BLOGS ARE GAY
Invincible Asia
Destro had to have been Black
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Post #: 36
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Posted: 10/28/2005 12:49:24 PM
Cast Michael Clark Duncan as Destro. Even though his chest said white guy ... his voice was all Black man.
Word.
I think Gary Oldman could do Zartan, with Bridgette Nielson (circa Red Sonja) as Lady J. Toss in James Spader as Cobra Commander (James Spader is the quintessential snake like shifty, cowardly SOB in anything he does) and you have a real A list of wierdos
Throw in Jeff Foxworthy as Shipwreck, and have his fuckin parrot jammed up his ass in the first 25 seconds of the film please. And since Snake-eyes needs not speak, just beat large quantities of ass, I would use either Jet Li or anyone in Yuen wo-Pings stunt team if Jet says no. Although I dont think he would decline, using his American Film Career as a basis for this decision, I dont think he would turn down the role of wearing a turd costume and reciting Limp Bizkit lyrics alongside Jamie Kennedy attempting to be humorous (why is Jamie Kennedy famous again ?!?!?! anybody?)
As far as the script goes... I likey. Please end the film with a bunch of goth teenagers snorting spray paint, and have R.Lee Ermy as Mainframe yell at them and tell them to go cry thier candy asses back to their mommies and listen to Lincoln Park all day... whiney little pussies !!!! and then yell all the obvious reasons why a human being with even a shred of intelligence should NOT snort fucking paint. Then when the little teenage puke in the Green Day shirt with the now blackened eye says "now I know" Ermey can look right into the camera and say "And knowing is half the battle ... HOO-RAH!"
Im done, I could go on with this all day.
Tony4579
Awesome
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Post #: 37
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Posted: 1/6/2006 6:59:46 AM
Great article and anybody that doesn't like it I hope snake eyes kills them
Jeanette (LADY J) Wakester
GIJOE FAN
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Post #: 38
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Posted: 8/22/2006 12:41:41 PM
I love the cartoon to death. I always played with GI Joe figures with my brothers and neighborhood friends when I was younger and because I was the only girl in the circle of friends They named me Lady J...I wanted a figurine of her but never got one. Does anyone out there have one..If so please email me. Thanks Jedabuja@yahoo.com
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