Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Dear Maxim Subscription Department,
I am writing in regard to the fact that issues of Maxim continue to show up at my apartment, in spite of the fact that I never actually subscribed to your magazine. After numerous phone calls in which I was routed to several different departments, I was informed that the subscription is not actually in my name, and was a “gift” from a consumer research company as their way of thanking me for taking a phone survey about my grocery purchasing habits. Regardless, inasmuch as I am wholly uninterested in cars, video games, gadgets, and porn that doesn’t have the balls to actually be porn, I must reiterate my request that you stop sending me your publication.
Please do not take this as a slight. I appreciate all the hard work and research that must go into each issue. Also, I agree that Brooke Burke is rather attractive, but I really don’t see the point of me looking at her in a magazine if I’m not going to be shown her nipples. I hope this is the last correspondence we will have on this matter.
I am writing to request that you authorize Maxim magazine to stop sending their publication to my home. I have phoned both you and them on a number of occasions, taking up valuable time that might otherwise have gone to bettering myself, in an effort to keep this magazine which I did not order and have no interest in reading from coming to my residence. I was happy to take your survey and provide you with information about what types of crackers I most commonly purchase, with the understanding that the data would be used to help improve my cracker-eating experience. I did not anticipate nor did I desire any compensation for this, as I considered it an act of altruism. While I appreciate the gesture of having magazines sent to me, I would have preferred being asked what magazines I would like to receive if you were absolutely committed to this course of action. Frankly, I’m a bit insulted that after examining the data I freely offered concerning my age, gender, income, marital status, place of residence, and cracker consuming habits, you would assume that I would want Maxim magazine. If the information I provide is going to be so wildly misinterpreted, I will be disinclined to answer any further surveys. Please tell Maxim to lay off. Thank you.
Dear Tom Linderson, CEO of Business Solutions Consumer Affairs Co,
Here's to 9 great months!
This letter is to inform you that I no longer wish to receive Maxim magazine at my home. I realize that you may not be personally responsible for this state of affairs, but a subsidiary of a firm that your corporation maintains a controlling interest in has authorized a company to authorize a clearinghouse to subscribe to Maxim on my behalf. I don’t know if you’ve ever read Maxim, or if maybe there’s a more high-class version for millionaires that we working stiffs aren’t allowed to know about, but I’m really not interested in getting it anymore, and I’ve become very frustrated with the whole situation. I understand from your profile in Money Inc. Weekly (a publication that I actually purchased) that you’re a man who prides himself on his ability to get things done. Please use every tactic at your disposal to rectify this situation. Thank you.
Dear Rep. Steve LaTourette, Congressman for Ohio Distrist 14 (R)
I am writing because I’ve been told that people often write to their Congressman for action when all other avenues have been exhausted, such as getting medical care for a family member who’s a disabled veteran or something. I, too, have a crisis that I have been unable to resolve, and I hope that you can help. I find myself the victim of a large conspiracy to have Maxim magazine delivered to my house, in spite of my vocal protests. I have been going back and forth with a number of companies based in Ohio, Pennsylvania, both Carolinas, Delaware, and the Cayman Islands, all to no avail. I realize that it may seem hypocritical for me to come to you for aid, seeing as how I didn’t vote for you (as a matter of fact, I made a pass at Capri Cafaro at a rally in the Mentor High School gymnasium last October where John Edwards made a speech), but my understanding of our governmental system suggests that you qualify as a “public servant”, and may therefore be under a certain obligation to help me. Perhaps you could have a word with the Postmaster General. Or, maybe lean on Treasury Secretary John Snow to get the Secret Service to do something about it. That guy hasn’t been doing nearly enough to earn his keep. In any case, whatever you can do to help would be greatly appreciated.
I am writing this as a last-ditch effort to resolve this whole Maxim issue. I don’t know if you have the same level of omniscience as your heavenly counterpart, but the long and short of it is that I’ve got this magazine that keeps coming to my house and no one will do anything about it. If you’re able and are inclined to resolve the situation, I’d greatly appreciate it. I’m enclosing an affidavit with an offer of my soul, signed and notarized by me (I realize that the Notary board recommends against notarized items in which I have a personal interest, but I figure that since this letter and the affidavit are going to be burned as part of a ritualistic ceremony performed by my Wicca friend Dwayne, no one would really care. I won’t tell if you won’t). Please respond by the solstice if at all possible.
you don't get both FHM and Maxim for a toothpaste survey. Do I mind looking at scantily clad women on glossy paper. No. Do I mind that my idiot roomate hordes them and thinks that those women would go for a pasty fatboy that plays video games all day. Yes. Just throw them in the trash, donate them to the boyscouts or put them in the church pews. Mine as well be socially destructive with them.
Brad
Dear Dave,
()
Post #: 12
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 10/24/2005 12:05:53 PM
Dear Dave,
I don't do favors for little whiney homosexual liberals that write shitty articles.
Call John Edwards, he might replace it with his subscription to "Long Black Cock Between My Wife's CancerTitties"
Rep. Steve LaTourette
Jack Donnely
I hate this guy
()
Post #: 13
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 10/24/2005 12:10:03 PM
What is wrong with this guy? I mean other than his obvious gayness. I now officially hate this writer. If he hates Maxim this much (only a queer would hate Maxim) he should just throw it away with the rest of his junk mail. How hard can it be to throw a magazine away once a month.
HMK
Oh I get It!
()
Post #: 14
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 10/24/2005 12:14:00 PM
Your gay. Good for you, It's nice to see you have decised to come out of your boring, stupid, dry closet.
damian
it's a humor site,
()
Post #: 15
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 10/24/2005 12:27:38 PM
Does anyone here understand that? All you fucking idiots take everything so damn serious. This isn't Fox news. And if you're going to make a response that is a swipe at the author, try and be clever enough to not make it about sucking cock or jizz mopping. That's fucking effortless, and it's a carbon copy of what every other douche on here is saying. Fuck, buy yourselves a thesaurus. There are literally millions of other words out there. oh, and from your comments, it sounds like the gay accusations should be focused a little more inward. You guys sound like one big homophobic pile of gay.
oh, and good article Dave.
deuce
maxim = mensa
()
Post #: 16
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 10/24/2005 12:28:00 PM
the IQ level is pouring out of the woodwork this morning isnt it?
fuckin fags.
damian
excellent
()
Post #: 17
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 10/24/2005 12:34:14 PM
Nice work with the fags comment. that was brilliant. You need your own late night talk show, or no better yet, your own country. You can stand around in your pile of gay, and shout at your followers, "fucking fags" anytime that you don't understand a joke. Just brilliant
Stephen
It's called a joke
()
Post #: 18
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 10/24/2005 12:35:00 PM
Let me spell it out--writers who write for this site are making jokes-they are not sharing their lives with us, they are providing us with free entertainment. Charlie (god bless him) does not have a 25 inch dick, Mike is not Striped Shirt guy, Tara doesn't screw anyone in her boss's office and Brenda doesn't really have hangover's every day.
It's called Satire.
damian
stephen
()
Post #: 19
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 10/24/2005 12:38:59 PM
thank you. I think your comment probably went over the heads of 98% of the phatphree audience, but it's good to see someone gets it.
PapaSmurf
...
()
Post #: 20
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 10/24/2005 12:58:34 PM
I thought it was pretty funny. I mean, sure there are hot chicks in Maxim, but they aren't even naked. What's the point?
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
