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Dear Maxim Subscription Department,
I am writing in regard to the fact that issues of Maxim continue to show up at my apartment, in spite of the fact that I never actually subscribed to your magazine. After numerous phone calls in which I was routed to several different departments, I was informed that the subscription is not actually in my name, and was a “gift” from a consumer research company as their way of thanking me for taking a phone survey about my grocery purchasing habits. Regardless, inasmuch as I am wholly uninterested in cars, video games, gadgets, and porn that doesn’t have the balls to actually be porn, I must reiterate my request that you stop sending me your publication.
Please do not take this as a slight. I appreciate all the hard work and research that must go into each issue. Also, I agree that Brooke Burke is rather attractive, but I really don’t see the point of me looking at her in a magazine if I’m not going to be shown her nipples. I hope this is the last correspondence we will have on this matter.
I am writing to request that you authorize Maxim magazine to stop sending their publication to my home. I have phoned both you and them on a number of occasions, taking up valuable time that might otherwise have gone to bettering myself, in an effort to keep this magazine which I did not order and have no interest in reading from coming to my residence. I was happy to take your survey and provide you with information about what types of crackers I most commonly purchase, with the understanding that the data would be used to help improve my cracker-eating experience. I did not anticipate nor did I desire any compensation for this, as I considered it an act of altruism. While I appreciate the gesture of having magazines sent to me, I would have preferred being asked what magazines I would like to receive if you were absolutely committed to this course of action. Frankly, I’m a bit insulted that after examining the data I freely offered concerning my age, gender, income, marital status, place of residence, and cracker consuming habits, you would assume that I would want Maxim magazine. If the information I provide is going to be so wildly misinterpreted, I will be disinclined to answer any further surveys. Please tell Maxim to lay off. Thank you.
Dear Tom Linderson, CEO of Business Solutions Consumer Affairs Co,
Here's to 9 great months!
This letter is to inform you that I no longer wish to receive Maxim magazine at my home. I realize that you may not be personally responsible for this state of affairs, but a subsidiary of a firm that your corporation maintains a controlling interest in has authorized a company to authorize a clearinghouse to subscribe to Maxim on my behalf. I don’t know if you’ve ever read Maxim, or if maybe there’s a more high-class version for millionaires that we working stiffs aren’t allowed to know about, but I’m really not interested in getting it anymore, and I’ve become very frustrated with the whole situation. I understand from your profile in Money Inc. Weekly (a publication that I actually purchased) that you’re a man who prides himself on his ability to get things done. Please use every tactic at your disposal to rectify this situation. Thank you.
Dear Rep. Steve LaTourette, Congressman for Ohio Distrist 14 (R)
I am writing because I’ve been told that people often write to their Congressman for action when all other avenues have been exhausted, such as getting medical care for a family member who’s a disabled veteran or something. I, too, have a crisis that I have been unable to resolve, and I hope that you can help. I find myself the victim of a large conspiracy to have Maxim magazine delivered to my house, in spite of my vocal protests. I have been going back and forth with a number of companies based in Ohio, Pennsylvania, both Carolinas, Delaware, and the Cayman Islands, all to no avail. I realize that it may seem hypocritical for me to come to you for aid, seeing as how I didn’t vote for you (as a matter of fact, I made a pass at Capri Cafaro at a rally in the Mentor High School gymnasium last October where John Edwards made a speech), but my understanding of our governmental system suggests that you qualify as a “public servant”, and may therefore be under a certain obligation to help me. Perhaps you could have a word with the Postmaster General. Or, maybe lean on Treasury Secretary John Snow to get the Secret Service to do something about it. That guy hasn’t been doing nearly enough to earn his keep. In any case, whatever you can do to help would be greatly appreciated.
I am writing this as a last-ditch effort to resolve this whole Maxim issue. I don’t know if you have the same level of omniscience as your heavenly counterpart, but the long and short of it is that I’ve got this magazine that keeps coming to my house and no one will do anything about it. If you’re able and are inclined to resolve the situation, I’d greatly appreciate it. I’m enclosing an affidavit with an offer of my soul, signed and notarized by me (I realize that the Notary board recommends against notarized items in which I have a personal interest, but I figure that since this letter and the affidavit are going to be burned as part of a ritualistic ceremony performed by my Wicca friend Dwayne, no one would really care. I won’t tell if you won’t). Please respond by the solstice if at all possible.
It just wasn't funny, that's what makes this story and the writer gay! I can only speak for myself when I say I used the word “gay” D-I-F-F-E-R-E-N-T-L-Y than it’s intended use defined in the dictionary. I am not saying the writer or the story is “having or showing a lively mood or a homosexual. I am using “Gay” in a slang way meaning S-T-U-P-I-D. Please take my comments with a grain of salt, they are not meant to be taken literally. With this comment I am attempting to attack or ridicule with satire, but thanks for the clarification.
deuce
now boarding
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Post #: 22
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Posted: 10/24/2005 12:59:39 PM
those with IQ's above 10... not so fast damian.... the "fucking fags" remark was a joke on the previous posters who were calling into question the authors sexuality simply because he doesnt enjoy the mindless drivel that spills out of the pages of maxim.
98% is still an A in my book pal.
Yakov
Yes/No?
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Post #: 23
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Posted: 10/24/2005 1:07:59 PM
I no understand. Does Dave really get Maxim in the mail??? That would be so gay if he doesn't.
What a country!
JCO
Gay
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Post #: 24
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Posted: 10/24/2005 1:09:18 PM
I am soooo happy ("gay," I looked it up in Webster's)! Damien and Stephen, they author may or may not be gay, no one really cares. However, we all know that this is a comedy site, which is why we read these articles. When an article is totally lacking in humor, which this one was, we are free to post our comments on it. Now, this article was pathetic, it was not humorous and the only thing we are taking serious is the lack of comedic appeal in this article. It was poor satire.
Now maybe you should return to sucking some cock then mopping up the jizz you fags!
BQ
Fags!
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Post #: 25
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Posted: 10/24/2005 1:12:39 PM
I think Damian must take it up the bung hole (got that from my thesaurus) from Dave.
Stu
This article was a gay ole time!
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Post #: 26
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Posted: 10/24/2005 1:20:11 PM
I thought gay meant happy.
Martone
Great piece.
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Post #: 27
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Posted: 10/24/2005 1:23:04 PM
Really solid.
Webster
nope
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Post #: 28
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Posted: 10/24/2005 1:31:42 PM
Check again. I guess "gay" means "stupid".
Who knew??
matt
Faggity FuckFest
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Post #: 29
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Posted: 10/24/2005 1:39:16 PM
Article is gay,Maxim is gay, commenters are gay, people that do not comment are gay, women or gay, poodles are gay, this comment is gay, Jesus is gay (12 desciples honestly), mispesslings are gay, perfect grammar is gay people falling down stairs are gay, computers are gay, smart people are gay, dumb people are gay, dijon mustard is gay. I think that covers most of it.
Happy
GAY
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Post #: 30
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Posted: 10/24/2005 1:47:15 PM
GAY= assfucker stool pusher aids reciptient , cum dumpster
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