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Ugh!!!!
Puberty is no picnic. I don’t care who you are. It’s an ordeal and an absolute nightmare when it occurs. You are the most socially vulnerable you will ever be in your life and your body decides that this would be the best time to mutate. Periods and boners, hair and sweat in places even your bar of Dial dares not visit. But just imagine having to go through all of that on TV. I have a certain sympathy for those who were in their most mutant phase of puberty while they were on TV. Sure, they had the benefit of being a TV star but, some of these poor kids devolved into wretched oddballs for a while in full view of America. Some even stayed that way!
Tina Yothers AKA Jennifer (Family Ties): At the tender age of 9, she was a cute tomboyish girl-next-door type. Some seven years later, at the end of the series, puberty had rendered her monstrous. A big face with even bigger hair. She is now the front woman for a band called “Jaded” and has grown out of this obliviously awkward stage a little. Still though, her name alone congers up images of her seen here at the peak of puberty, and it makes my boner cringe.
Mayim Bialik AKA Blossom (Blossom): Puberty or not, she had one of the most punchable faces on TV. I have a hard time believing that strangers didn’t throw this birld looking girl bread crumbs whenever she was in a park. BTW:A Google image search on her last name bought up more than one pornagraphic picture for me. Is "Bialik" the new "Bukkake"
Andrea Barber AKA Kimmy Gibler (Full House): I truly pitied this girl. She was wirey, she was gangly, and her persona was absolutely annoying. She was so repugnant that I’m sure Dave Coulier could only bring himself to finger bang her. Yeah right! I’m sure old Dave sand bagged her plenty of times. But seriously, this puberty train wreck could soften the dick of a pedophile on a playground.
Jodi Sweetin AKA Stephanie Tanner (Full House): Probably just as big a puberty calamity as “Kimmy”. However, since Andrea Barber had a seven-year jump on Jodi, there was just no comparison. I’m sure Dave Coulier just beat off in the shower with her a few times.
Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen AKA Michele Tanner (Full House) I’m still shaking my head trying to figure out how these two mutant frogs became the tour de force that they are today. Hats off to you two ladies.
Danny Pintauro AKA Jonathan (Who’s the Boss): I don’t subscribe to the belief that things make people gay, but some think Danny became gay after his public fray with puberty. Personally I think it was the constant sexual advances from Katherine Helmond (Mona) or the mere sight of Tony Danza and Judith Light in bed together. Of course, to the credit of the producers, if you are going hire a puberty aged actor to be co-stars with Alyssa Milano, you better make him gay. Otherwise you’d be taking boner breaks ever 15 minutes. “Bulge in the shot!”
Taran Noah Smith AKA Mark Taylor (Home Improvement): None of the boys on "Home Improvement" got away scot-free from the old puberty bug, but poor Taran seemed to be the biggest cataclysm of them all. I think someone’s pituitary gland needed “More Power” grunt grunt grunt.
Jonathan Taylor ThomasAKA Randy Taylor (Home Improvement): Luckily for him, he stopped growing when he was 10 years old. Still though, those Oak Ridge Boys haircuts he and his "brothers" had for the majority of the series didn’t help in his fight against preadolescence.
Zachery Ty Bryan AKA Brad Taylor (Home Improvement): Seeing as I listed the other two, I might as well throw all the Taylor clan in here. Nice Soccer Mullet.
Jaleel White AKA Steve Urkel (Family Matters): Granted that he played the proverbial nerd “Urkel”, he still somehow managed to appear painfully awkward. I know America would have tuned in if Carl snapped and put six slugs in the back of Steve’s head, putting him out of his misery.
Keshia Knight Pulliam AKA Rudy Huxtable (Cosby Show): This is a classic example of puberty rendering an actor utterly useless. In 1989, at the horrific age of 10, producers brought in Raven Simone to replace Keshia as “the cute kid”. Too young to somehow scrape her way onto “A Different World” and too old to be considered remotely cute, poor Keshia would spend the rest of series as a virtual Black Jan Brady. At least Vanessa started off ugly and stayed that way. BTW: Do an image search on her. You'll be surprised how moderately Hot she is now.Damn Rudy! Looking Fine!
Jeremy Miller AKA Ben Seaver (Growing Pains): This kid was replaced as “the cute kid” too, and for good reason. He was one of the most awkward-looking debacles of puberty around. He donned a pencil-thin high school mustache and a mullet that couldn’t decide if it belonged to a “Keytarist” or a “Magician”. If I was a producer on this show, I’d have killed off old Ben Seaver around season four or five. No need to have a walking billboard for Clearacil on the show. Considering how many fat jokes they wrote for anorexic Tracy Gold, I doubt they would be too torn up about killing Ben off.
Danny Bonaduce AKA Danny Partridge (Partridge Family): This kid looked like a tattoo artist or, at the very least, some kind of deranged carny. It made perfect sense that he should be the bass player, though. He looked like a bass player. Good call, producers.
Josie Davis AKA Sarah Powell (Charles in Charge): Not terrible as far as puberty goes, but when your co-star is a then-preteen Nicole Eggert, you might as well have leprosy of the crotch.
Ben Savage AKA Cory Mathews (Boy Meets World) His bout with puberty was not all that destructive though. I think I am just holding a grudge because he got to be with Topanga. Ahhhhh sweet sweet Topanga. Fuck you Ben Savage! Fuck you in YOUR FACE!
Melissa Gilbert AKA Laura Wilder (Little House on the Prairie): What happens when you zap an ugly kid with the puberty gun? You get a case of the fuglies. At least she is not as bad as her sister Sara, who always looked like she was going through puberty. Still does.
Michael Fishman AKA DJ Conner (Rosanne) He looked like the bastard offspring of the Amish. Why did the producers subject these kids to keeping the hairstyles they had when they were eight?
Erin Moran AKA Joanie Cunningham (Happy Days) Kids can be cute even when they are not that pretty. Adults? Not so much.
Neil Patrick Harris AKA Doogie Howser(Doogie Houser MD) I was going to list Vinnie Delpino, but he was roughly 40 years old when this show started in 1989.
Fred Savage AKA Kevin Arnold (Wonder Years) I guess since the show was called the Wonder Years, seeing him mutate each week was fairly expected. Still though, how did this midget ball of hormones manage to bag Winnie? You know it’s not saying much when you are considered the “Cute” Savage brother either.
Josh Saviano AKA Paul (Wonder Years) This just wasn’t right to see. I can’t believe this sort of thing was on display. Are you surprised there was a rumor he might have been Marilyn Manson?
Mike Lookinland AKA Bobby Brady (Brady Bunch) His adult teeth came in early and his head seemed to be growing disproportionately at an alarming rate. Good for him the show got the axe right around the time his hormones would have reached critical mass.
Frankie Muniz AKA Malcolm (Malcolm in the Middle) Somewhere between my Dog Skip and Agent Cody Banks this kid’s body melted worse then Cobra Commander in the microwave rendering everything that was once cute annoying.
Honorable Mention:
Gary Coleman AKA Arnold Drumond(Different Strokes) I'm not sure if he went through puberty or not. My heart says he did but my eyes tell me something went dreadfully wrong.
Shane Sweet: AKA Seven (Married with Children) Not really a puberty case but this is by far the greatest cast move I have ever seen a show make. Introduced to the show in 1992, he appeared briefly in several episodes as “Seven”, providing one or two quick jokes and not much else. At the beginning of the next season, he was gone. And how did they explain it? Kelly asked “Where’s seven?” and Peg said “I don’t know” this was followed with a close up of a carton of Milk showing his picture on it. Beneath it was labeled “Missing”. He was never so much as mentioned again. Superb!
Gee, I can hardly wait to see how the current crop of pubescent stars turn out - especially those kids on "Malcolm in the Middle". I foresee the kid playing Reese turning into some Danny Bonaduce/Eminem morphodite thug. Frankie Muniz was funny back when the show started but now he's gratingly whiny. He'll probably turn into the next irritatingly earnest young actor promoting the next big "progressive" political cause. I foresee the kid who plays Dewey "coming out" when he turns 17 or 18, and turning into a highly unfunny male version of Rosie O'Donnell.
Phil
Fresh Prince
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Posted: 11/17/2005 9:31:58 AM
I think Tatyana Ali (Ashley Banks) from Fresh Prince can be included here. The show used that whole Rudy Huxtable thing on us after Ashely grew up and had to bring in some other character as the "cute kid". They ended up creating that stupidass Nicky character. Jesus fucking Christ....all the other Banks' kids were in high school and Uncle Phil's gotta go shooting his manjuice inside Vivian again???
Couldn't they just have adopted some cute starving black kid from Somalia?? Oh wait....those kids aren't cute. You can see their ribs and the flies around their head....
JCO
Punky Brewster!
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Posted: 11/17/2005 9:38:02 AM
Don't forget Punky Brewster! She was an annoying little puke hanging with grandpa, but now she is one fine piece of ass!
Yakov
Webster
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Posted: 11/17/2005 11:29:23 AM
"Mam and George, can I take the secret passageway to the kitchen?"
He was just like Arnold Jackson Drummond. Mine eyes could not see any puberty going on.
Also, I thought the older sister in Fresh Prince was hot.
...sharing the laughter and love....sha lala laaaa....
What a country!!!!
JP
Hilarious
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Posted: 11/17/2005 11:29:23 AM
Great piece. Referring to Rudi as the Black Jan Brady is a great call.
It's
Come on
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Posted: 11/17/2005 11:31:37 AM
BUKKAKE!!!!!!!!! You can't misspell that brutha!!
Christine
Awesome Article
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Post #: 17
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Posted: 11/17/2005 11:32:47 AM
I was in love with Ben Seaver until the acne years. I didn't understand what was happening to him. ISn't funny how we never questioned the mullet then? I mean its ridiculous, there is no reason to accept it, yet we did.
I am still laughing at the picture of Paul Pfifer. It wasn't right to see.
K.W.
Lots-o-loads
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Posted: 11/17/2005 11:34:53 AM
I believe its "Bukkake" its Japanese. Think phonetic in a language that doesn't have a sound for "c."
K.W.
also
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Posted: 11/17/2005 11:36:27 AM
Jodi Sweetin was hot then and is hot now. ( I think were about the same age, so its not pedofilic... I dont think.)
Cameron
Whoa
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Posted: 11/17/2005 11:41:06 AM
Hold the fucking phone a minute...did you call the Olsen's "mutant frogs" and ask how they have their current status? Let me answer...they are hot and they are twins. Were you fucking stoned when you wrote this? Of every picture you have posted, their picture is the only one with somebody who looks good, nay, two people who look hot.
I don't think the Olsen's belong anywhere on this list. They have turned their appearances as infants into a nine figure enterprise. They are the only successes out of everyone on the list...and they are now legal.
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