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As I grow older and more dashing, I tend to run into more and more single women who have had the misfortune of bearing a child. Many people are hesitant to become romantically involved with a chick with a kid. But speaking from personal experience, don’t knock it, as they say, until you’ve tried it.
Of course there’s a downside to dating a woman in this situation, namely, Corey. Obviously, children suck and should be avoided at all costs. The kid might want you to talk to it, or it might crap itself, or walk in and interrupt when his mom is giving you a killer hummer. That’s no good. Additionally, kids are generally sticky and smell like a combination of apple juice, maple syrup and piss. You also might have to pretend to like the kid in order to trick your mom-girlfriend into thinking that you’re a decent person. That means you have to take him to the zoo or do a shitty magic trick in front of him. You also might get stuck shuttling him to the hospital if he falls out of something high, because kids are always falling out of shit. All of these things are admittedly a huge pain in the ass. But the perks to dating a mom are manifold and often overlooked. Here are just a few:
Advantage 1- INSECURITY
A chick with a kid knows she’s on thin ice. She has a handicap going into the relationship. The whole kid situation turns a lot of guys off, and she knows this from experience. This has effectively lowered her standards in men, thereby admitting persons like myself and you into her realm of possible acceptable mates. Jackpot!
Another example of this sort of relationship is the Black Guy/Fat White Girl coupling that so often takes place. There is a huge misconception that black men find fat white girls somehow more attractive than slender white girls, and this myth has been perpetuated in countless movies and Fox TV shows to meager comedic effect. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Black men don’t prefer fat girls, they just recognize that they are infinitely more attainable. The relationship is mutualistic because fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do. African American men are more than willing to perform these duties so long as their efforts are repaid with consistent intercourse. Everybody wins!
But I digress. Let’s get back to hooking up with moms.
There’s a defining moment during the advent of every chick with a kid relationship in which she breaks it to you that she’s a package deal. She usually tries to slide it in there casually so it doesn’t sound as much like an admission as a point of pride. But we’re not fooled. “Oh my son loves this song”, she might say nonchalantly. This is where men who are feint of heart find an excuse to drift away from the scene, using clever excuses like, “I have to go, my ride is leaving” or “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that you were used goods. I’m off to find someone without a car-seat.” But to people like myself, that vocalized revelation sounds like a dinner bell, beckoning us to a delicious and affordable banquet of desperation. Because moms aim to please.
Corey: The Equalizer
Advantage 2- RELIABILITY
You pretty much always know where a mom is, which is nice for us jealous types. It’s hard for a mom to have too much of a life outside of her kid, because children selfishly monopolize a lot of your time. They always have to be taken to the dentist or soccer practice or therapy because the kid’s dad moved to Austin with his band and didn’t call the kid on his birthday. And though this is tragic in regards to the child’s young and fragile psyche, it’s great news for you. Because this means that if your mom-girlfriend is not with you, she’s probably with her kid. Unless she’s a really shitty mom, in which case the kid is at her mom’s house and she’s at T.G.I.Friday’s Happy Hour crushing half-priced 22 ounce drafts and smoking Camel Lights. But you still know where she’s at.
Advantage 3- UNFLAPPABILITY
It is all but impossible to gross out a mom. They’ve seen it all. Let me put this in perspective for you. Say you’re messing around with a non-mom girl and things are getting hot and heavy and you’re both really into it, and then you accidentally do something gross like tear ass. This will most likely ruin the mood. She will probably become disgusted with you and tell you to get off of her and put it away. But not with a mom. Moms have been in every possible gross situation you can imagine. Toxic diapers, gaping wounds, projectile vomiting. You name it. They even had a little person come out of their vagina. Now that’s gross! What I’m saying is that a little gas isn’t going to scare her off by any means. They’re just so happy to experience physical contact with someone over seven that they’ll fight right through that shit. In fact, when it comes to moms, I feel fairly certain that you could get completely wasted and throw up all over their faces and they would simply dry you off and say, “Did somebody have too many Heinekens? Who had too many Heinekens?”
Advantage 4- SNACKS
You Get Used To This Stuff
There’s a pretty good chance that your mom-girlfriend has some Teddy Grahams or at least a Fruit by the Foot in her purse at any given time. Score!
So you see? Dating a mom is the way to go! They’re nurturing and warm, and can often be surprisingly adventurous in the bedroom. Plus, if nothing else, there are usually juiceboxes in the fridge.
I guess they cant all be a stripe shirt, but it was funny none the less.
Sinnick
Kids DO suck
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Post #: 42
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Posted: 12/8/2005 3:14:29 PM
and I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so. I've put up with 'em during two past relationships with unwed moms. It's true that they tend to be a bit more adventurous in the bedroom, too. They're just so glad to have a guy around who's somewhat normal and who'll actually put up with their brat that they definitely aim to please. Take the kid to have its face painted at the circus in the afternoon and then do some face painting with ol' mom later on in the evening.
Sam
Polk steals
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Post #: 43
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Posted: 12/8/2005 3:17:17 PM
Polk is a hack! He steals everything!
Soylent Green
You forgot...
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Post #: 44
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Posted: 12/8/2005 3:19:12 PM
The every other weekend when the kid is with the dad. These are the weekends that the mom/girl friend gets all juiced up and wants to get extra freaky since she knows that she can fuck you on the kitchen floor and scream all she wants to without worring that little "johnny" might see mommy doing something nasty...
Christine
My Best Friend
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Post #: 45
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Posted: 12/8/2005 3:33:45 PM
Melissa is divorced and has a 8 year old. She likes to meet men and make sex buddies with them. She never intends on getting married again and doesn't want anyone raising her kid.
She currently has three FTF relationships going on. But since they are the same three guys does that still make her slutty?
Soylent Green
Christine
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Post #: 46
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Posted: 12/8/2005 3:48:37 PM
It all depends... Does she fuck them all at the same time? Are they aware of each other? If either are true, then yes, I would have to think she is slutty and I would like her name and phone number.
If both are no, then she is pretty shrewd and daring and I would like her name and phone number.
Mom Lover
weekends with dad?
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Post #: 47
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Posted: 12/8/2005 3:50:10 PM
Yeah that is if she isn't all bent out of shape about the loser dad that is going to take the kid and feed her sugar and cartoons all weekend while he does lines off the leapfrog learning pad...
Lawyer
Sam
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Post #: 48
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Posted: 12/8/2005 3:58:15 PM
Are you going to back that up? Or just be guilty of libel?
Christine
Soylent
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Post #: 49
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Posted: 12/8/2005 4:01:58 PM
Nope. The guys don't know about each other. She runs a tight ship, no pun intended. One of the guys lives far away so they only meet on special occasions and the other two are pretty dumb and probably think they are manipulating her. Little do they know . . .
but I agree. . . i do not think that is slutty. She is always protected and is doing it to protect her kid as well. Some single moms are so desperate for a daddy, they will let anyone around their kids. That could fuck a kid up.
oh her number is 215-618-1505
albanian guy
Hey Sam....
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Post #: 50
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Posted: 12/8/2005 4:06:29 PM
Polk is still the holder of th "All time Funniest Article" award so shut the fuck up. Otherwise I may have to take your mother out for a nice seafood dinner and then never call her again.
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