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As I grow older and more dashing, I tend to run into more and more single women who have had the misfortune of bearing a child. Many people are hesitant to become romantically involved with a chick with a kid. But speaking from personal experience, don’t knock it, as they say, until you’ve tried it.
Of course there’s a downside to dating a woman in this situation, namely, Corey. Obviously, children suck and should be avoided at all costs. The kid might want you to talk to it, or it might crap itself, or walk in and interrupt when his mom is giving you a killer hummer. That’s no good. Additionally, kids are generally sticky and smell like a combination of apple juice, maple syrup and piss. You also might have to pretend to like the kid in order to trick your mom-girlfriend into thinking that you’re a decent person. That means you have to take him to the zoo or do a shitty magic trick in front of him. You also might get stuck shuttling him to the hospital if he falls out of something high, because kids are always falling out of shit. All of these things are admittedly a huge pain in the ass. But the perks to dating a mom are manifold and often overlooked. Here are just a few:
Advantage 1- INSECURITY
A chick with a kid knows she’s on thin ice. She has a handicap going into the relationship. The whole kid situation turns a lot of guys off, and she knows this from experience. This has effectively lowered her standards in men, thereby admitting persons like myself and you into her realm of possible acceptable mates. Jackpot!
Another example of this sort of relationship is the Black Guy/Fat White Girl coupling that so often takes place. There is a huge misconception that black men find fat white girls somehow more attractive than slender white girls, and this myth has been perpetuated in countless movies and Fox TV shows to meager comedic effect. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. Black men don’t prefer fat girls, they just recognize that they are infinitely more attainable. The relationship is mutualistic because fat girls want to be loved and held and complimented, just like real girls do. African American men are more than willing to perform these duties so long as their efforts are repaid with consistent intercourse. Everybody wins!
But I digress. Let’s get back to hooking up with moms.
There’s a defining moment during the advent of every chick with a kid relationship in which she breaks it to you that she’s a package deal. She usually tries to slide it in there casually so it doesn’t sound as much like an admission as a point of pride. But we’re not fooled. “Oh my son loves this song”, she might say nonchalantly. This is where men who are feint of heart find an excuse to drift away from the scene, using clever excuses like, “I have to go, my ride is leaving” or “I’m sorry, I didn’t know that you were used goods. I’m off to find someone without a car-seat.” But to people like myself, that vocalized revelation sounds like a dinner bell, beckoning us to a delicious and affordable banquet of desperation. Because moms aim to please.
Corey: The Equalizer
Advantage 2- RELIABILITY
You pretty much always know where a mom is, which is nice for us jealous types. It’s hard for a mom to have too much of a life outside of her kid, because children selfishly monopolize a lot of your time. They always have to be taken to the dentist or soccer practice or therapy because the kid’s dad moved to Austin with his band and didn’t call the kid on his birthday. And though this is tragic in regards to the child’s young and fragile psyche, it’s great news for you. Because this means that if your mom-girlfriend is not with you, she’s probably with her kid. Unless she’s a really shitty mom, in which case the kid is at her mom’s house and she’s at T.G.I.Friday’s Happy Hour crushing half-priced 22 ounce drafts and smoking Camel Lights. But you still know where she’s at.
Advantage 3- UNFLAPPABILITY
It is all but impossible to gross out a mom. They’ve seen it all. Let me put this in perspective for you. Say you’re messing around with a non-mom girl and things are getting hot and heavy and you’re both really into it, and then you accidentally do something gross like tear ass. This will most likely ruin the mood. She will probably become disgusted with you and tell you to get off of her and put it away. But not with a mom. Moms have been in every possible gross situation you can imagine. Toxic diapers, gaping wounds, projectile vomiting. You name it. They even had a little person come out of their vagina. Now that’s gross! What I’m saying is that a little gas isn’t going to scare her off by any means. They’re just so happy to experience physical contact with someone over seven that they’ll fight right through that shit. In fact, when it comes to moms, I feel fairly certain that you could get completely wasted and throw up all over their faces and they would simply dry you off and say, “Did somebody have too many Heinekens? Who had too many Heinekens?”
Advantage 4- SNACKS
You Get Used To This Stuff
There’s a pretty good chance that your mom-girlfriend has some Teddy Grahams or at least a Fruit by the Foot in her purse at any given time. Score!
So you see? Dating a mom is the way to go! They’re nurturing and warm, and can often be surprisingly adventurous in the bedroom. Plus, if nothing else, there are usually juiceboxes in the fridge.
The Striped Shirt thing was funny, so was the gangbang thing. But I'm pretty sure Polk is either a racist, or a man with a lot of white guilt. The black man fat white chick thing was more offensive than funny as was his Anne Frank diary, his having a black friend article, sorry about slavery and his Rosa Parks article. Seems like a pattern to me.
I don't disagree that this was funnier than many articles I have read in the past few weeks, but I've also noticed a lot of new names. Polk is obviously a more seasoned writer than many of these people, but I don't think he should get praised for average material. Yes there were some good jokes, but even SNL has some decent jokes and I wouldn't say the show is above average. That is what a comedy writer is supposed to do. Anyone who thinks this is a 5 should go back and re-read the top five articles and see what truly funny articles are all about. Groundbreaking, hilarious, and completely entertaining, not mildly amusing. And yes, some of those were written by Polk. That's where he deserves the praise. Not here.
matt
This was
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Posted: 12/8/2005 4:54:19 PM
pretty funny. No of course not the striped shirt and Polk now has to keep living it down every article he writes. I thought the loan officer one the other day was better than this, but they are both funny as hell. Whateve, I am off to pach some mommy pussy.
Jus
Huh?
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Posted: 12/8/2005 4:58:17 PM
Funny article. And Polk is not a racist. Being his black friend, I can vouch for that fact that he only calls me darky once or twice a month. Seriously though, he writes about shit like race, sex, highschool football, and striped shirts because they are all funny topics that should be exposed. It's a comedy site Derrick, lighten up. If you have a problem with Polk's take on race, I'd hate to see you at a Sarah Silverman or Chris Rock performance.
deuceblows
hilarious
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Posted: 12/8/2005 5:11:02 PM
Awesome article, Polk.
PMB
Wow
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Posted: 12/8/2005 8:11:51 PM
Great day for this site; that article made me laught out loud roughly 8.2 times. Nice job, ace.
andy k
once again
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Posted: 12/8/2005 11:29:07 PM
another fantastic article, mike. you've done it again. 5 out of 5
The Equalizer
great article
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Posted: 12/8/2005 11:59:02 PM
This article was a feast! And referring to Corey as "The Equalizer" (a title that, up to this point, has only been well-served by me in the 80s) is the cherry on top.
Terri
tot
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Posted: 12/9/2005 2:52:32 AM
never thought about the black man/fat which chick combination like you described...it's true and funny!
lemonhedd
Awesome again...
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Posted: 12/10/2005 7:46:51 PM
Mike Polk is seriously the funniest mother fucker ever. I look on this site every day to see if he's written anything new. Nothing will top the striped shirt article, but this one, the plinko one, and the hs football are all damn close. Keep em coming!!
jack
a chick with a kid
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Posted: 12/10/2005 10:23:47 PM
Some advice from a chick with a kid for Michael G. Polk .....As "bang on " as you were with your "observations" about "chicks with kids", you "failed" to mention a few "key elements" that will help "seal the deal" for any "man " willing to "delve into" the "damaged goods" bins of "unworthy women" located at the front of the "walmart-esque superstores" across America ( and poorer parts of Canada) . First,, unless the "mom/ girlfriend" was blessed with good genes and rich, smooth, elastic olive skin, the likelyhood of stretchmarks is high. The ability for a suiter to "overlook" these deep purple "interstate-type pathways" of over stretched silvery skin which cover her entire body is "huge". Sure, he, the "suiter" can "see " them, and "feel" them and they remind him of the paper mache relief map he made for mrs. miller's third grade 3 geographic class, but his ability to lie and tell her, the "girlfriend/mom", it "doesn't matter" and she is "beautiful" , "hot" and "stunning" is "essential" . Also, keep in mind that those "foreign men " who may have found it impossible to "score" with " American" chicks in light of the situation in "Iraq" and all those "middle eastern" countries which are hard to pronounce and spell, now find themselves with a "sure thing" in the "chicks with kids category". "Not" only will "chick with kids" do anything to find a "father" for thier kid ( give out thier PINumbers, sexually explore in ways they never dreamt of in thier twenties and perform endless hours of "back scratching") but immigration laws in America are such that you only have to be married for three years to attain your citizenship. Just a word to the "wise", "chicks with kids" hold the key to solving world hunger, know how to change thier own oil and find "George Bailey" wildly attractive. They are easy marks, take my word for it, I am one... thanks "mr polk" for your "insights" and I applaud your use of the "quotation marks".... They are highly underratted. Ps...can't wait to hear what you write about next... perhaps you can give some insight into why people dust their canned goods....
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