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She got away. That’s the fourth one this week. Well, that about seals it. I am without a doubt the worst rapist in the world.
No, don’t. Don’t try to make me feel better. I’m not fishing for sympathy here. I’m merely stating an obvious fact. I can’t pull off a decent rape to save my life.
Tonight’s failure was a new low, even for a crappy rapist like me. She told me to wait out in the BP minimart while she went into the bathroom and fixed her makeup. She said she wanted to look nice for the rape, which at the time I considered to be extremely considerate. So I’m standing around waiting outside the ladies room like a goof for at least 25 minutes, trying to look inconspicuous by thumbing through an “US Weekly”, when it occurs to me that she had probably snuck out a back window. I didn’t even investigate to confirm my suspicion. I was too mortified by own incompetence. I just got in my van and drove off.
Why did I even let her talk me into stopping off at that gas station to get snacks? What kind of a ruthless sex offender lets his quarry bully him into stopping for Combos?
Man I’m a bad rapist.
At least I somehow managed to get that one into my minivan. That’s much further than I got with my last two would-be victims. Like that brunette lady in the park the other day. I really thought that I did everything right that time. I drove right up to her and said “Get in the car lady!” and she just kept walking like she didn’t even hear me. But I’m pretty sure she did. So I said it again, louder this time. And she stopped and said “Leave me alone you loser!” I apologized and quickly drove away.
I’ve never dealt well with conflict.
You know what I really hate? When they laugh at me. Like, the other day when I jumped out of that alley and I yelled at that heavyset little blonde woman, “This is a rape!” And she just laughed and laughed like it was the funniest thing she had ever heard. I got so embarassed that I just ran away. And that made her laugh even harder. I could hear her for like three blocks. Why do fat girls laugh so loud? In retrospect, I guess telling her that “this was a rape” was a pretty silly thing to do. But I was just trying to establish a sense of fear and urgency while simultaneously getting myself psyched up and into rape-mode. I guess it just came off all wrong.
My Rapin' Van
Let’s see, where does this put my “rape failure” to “rape victories” ratio? Let’s take a look:
Rapist Failures: 12
Rapist Victories: 1
That’s right. Only one lousy rape in all of those attempts. And to tell the truth, in retrospect I’m pretty sure that one encounter was consensual. She was a drunk girl that I met at the bar and she seemed pretty into it. We actually still e-mail each other. I also told her that I’d help her move next weekend.
Oh, who am I kidding? That wasn’t a rape!
I have this rapist buddy, Dan, and he’s the type of rapist that I really aspire to be. Dan rapes great. Anyways, he told me that my problem is that I’m just not assertive enough. And that’s probably true. I’ve simply never been the pushy type.
Dan recommends that I hit the gym to get my confidence up. He also thinks that I should concentrate for an hour each day about all of the things that I despise most about womankind. Then, when I’m raping, I should reflect back on all of that pain and contempt for females and utilize it while unleashing my predatory sexual fury.
That doesn’t really sound like something I’d be good at though, so I think I’m just going to grow a mustache instead. I figure a rapist image tune-up is just what the doctor ordered, and nothing screams “successful rapist” like a big old honkin’ stache.
Yeah. I feel good about this. I’m down but I’m not out. Watch your backs ladies, this wolf is still on the prowl.
The only thing funnier than Mike Polk is prison toilet wine. Damn, i'm cracking a smile just thinking about prison made toilet wine and the power you posess when you have a jug of it.
Brenda Della Casa
It's Official
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Post #: 22
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Posted: 12/14/2005 11:35:54 AM
Mike are one funny bastard, but choo's goin' to hell, I'm afraid :)
matt
Umm. . .
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Posted: 12/14/2005 11:37:56 AM
I have to agree here with ol' Euegene. I am also conflicted. I have to gove you credit for daring to write this piece. The saving grace for me is the guy has not raped anyone. I also didn't think Choke was that great. Anyone like Breton Easton Ellis? I know that all he writes about are vapoid LA people, but still he makes you care for these souless bastards.
LoveMike
MIKE IS SO GREAT
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Post #: 24
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Posted: 12/14/2005 11:42:22 AM
That he could get away with murder. I love most of his stuff, this one wasnt one of my favorites, but at this point after so many hits, I think he could just submit a picture of himself taking a dump, and everyone would say, wow, this is the funniest thing I have ever seen !!!
Keep up the awesome work.
kayvon
Ellis vs. Palahniuk
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Posted: 12/14/2005 11:59:29 AM
Choke was honestly worth it (what, $6 paperback?) for the "rape" chapter - I genuinely cracked up when he said the safe word at the end (what was it again?). Palahniuk seemed to be going for some very heavy symbolism in the book, which flew over my head, but kind of warranted another read (kind of). I can totally understand the disappointing reviews, but that's what you get with his writing style. Ellis' novels seem more like vast, calculated undertakings whereas Palahniuk's style seems more off-the-cuff and light, making for a breezier read, though sometimes rushed or under-developed. That does little to explain why it took me two days to finish American Psycho while Haunted sits in a half-read pile of dust in my room, though. Probably has something to do with the material striking a chord for me.
Atlas
Eugene
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Post #: 26
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Posted: 12/14/2005 12:16:48 PM
Saw the respose and also apologized.
I read the piece again and I just dont think it has the venom of other Polk articles. The problem in my mind is that in other articles you go over the top, with this subject matter over the top becomes disturbing. You stradled the line well, just wasn't my taste.
deuceblows
Screw all ya'll
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Posted: 12/14/2005 12:28:42 PM
This article is hilarious and Mike Polk is a god.
Christine
Sadly. . . .
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Post #: 28
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Posted: 12/14/2005 12:39:04 PM
Its true, but it was a very, very long time ago. And it was not as bad as some womens' experiences. I lived. Therapy definitely helps. I didn't want to be one of those girls who can't watch a violent scene in a movie or freezes around men. You can learn to get over it.
Thats why this article is funny to me. Polk isn't treading lightly on any subjects. He is not making fun of the act of rape, but rather the sick freaks who wake up one day and say, "you know what. . I think I'll rape someone today".
Kris
Perfect Article!
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Posted: 12/14/2005 1:08:24 PM
Best line: "Dan rapes great."
This had me giggling like a schoolgirl being tickled with a stick.
matt
kayvon
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Posted: 12/14/2005 1:19:29 PM
I have yet to read haunted by I think it is supposed to be more autobographical and I supose now that he is older his works do seem "more caculated" as you put it. I enjoy his earlier works like "The Informers" or Rules of Attraction I think that has a more daring off the cuff style. Sorry I guess this should have bene discussed during the book article.
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