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So the tape deck in my 94’ Dodge Dakota is jammed again, forcing me to endure the local radio stations over the past few weeks whenever I don’t feel like listening to the Aerosmith “Pump” cassette that is currently, regrettably, lodged in there.
That being said, I have a few choice words for the disk jockeys who oversee the various channels that I have no choice but to listen to while I save up money to buy a new, more modern tape deck.
Hey Classic Rock DJ:
Stop trying to “Rock Me To My Weekend”. I like weekends as much as the next guy, but I don’t need your constant updates about how far away the next one is. I can do that math. And I certainly don’t need the J. Geils Band to help me get there.
Also, please stop playing new music from classic rock bands in an attempt to make the bands seem currently relevant. Words can’t describe how little interest I have in hearing “A new one from Sammy Hagar”.
Hey Oldies DJ:
Enough with the trivia already. That’s really sweet that you know the name of the bassist from Herman’s Hermits, but just because you’ve wasted your life gathering such knowledge doesn’t mean that we have. I don’t want to spin your “Mega Motown Prize Wheel” to try to win passes to a day spa. Just play some fucking Stones and shut up.
Hey Hip Hop DJ on 107.BLAK:
Does that beat really need to be behind everything? With that same incessant rhythm, I have a hard time differentiating between Young Jeezy’s newest cut and your hourly traffic updates and urban-oriented commercials for Check Into Cash stores and wig outlets.
Hey College DJ:
Get your shit together dude. I know that this is a learning experience, but that doesn’t mean you have to suck this colossally hard. What’s with all the tech problems? Does that three minutes of dead airtime following songs really have to be that frequent? Could you at least try to have the right song come on after you announce it every now and then?
And I know it’s lame to be excited to be on the radio and that you have a detached, angst-ridden persona to keep up, but could you do me a solid; drop the attitude for a minute and put some goddamned inflection in your voice? I promise I won’t tell anyone that you emote.
I’m also super-impressed by your vast musical knowledge and your unwillingness to conform to society’s shitty musical standards, but just because something is really obscure doesn’t mean that it’s good. It’s great that you found that bootleg-live performance from the former band of the lead singer of The Arcade Fire on which they cover an old Velvet Underground song, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s completely fucking unlistenable.
Hey “Extreme” DJ:
It's Over Sammy
Korn sucks my balls. So does Staind. Why are you so mad? I’m super sorry your stepdad never hugged you as a child, but that doesn’t give you the right to take it out on me with your shitty, angry-scream-rock.
Additionally, “Extreme DJ”- your “Extreme Morning Show” is garbage, too. Don’t get me wrong, I love the colorful and vivid descriptions of the dump you took this morning (now, that’s edgy!), and your ongoing contest that encourages your female listeners to send in pictures of themselves wearing thongs to your website for their chance to be voted “Miss 92.3 Extreme Camel Toe”. That’s just plain good radio.
It’s just too early in the day to deal with the painful realization that your show being on the air suggests that there are enough ignorant people living in my area to merit an entire radio program geared towards them.
Hey Top 20 Pop DJ:
Please stop. Just stop. You are ruining our youth with this vacuous music and it’s associated culture.
Also, you’re 35 years old; stop trying to use current catch phrases in a sad attempt to appeal to your youthful listeners. The new Kelly Clarkson album will “come out” this weekend, not “drop”. Say, it bitch! Say it!
Hey Adult Contemporary DJ:
I’ve got no issues with you. Someone has to sate the masses that await dental exams and new license plates with their Bryan Adams and Richard Marx fix. My only gripe arises when you try to pass off three-year old songs as being “Fresh new music”. Your listeners are old and out of touch. Most of them have come to terms with that; why can’t you? Everything’s cool as long as I don’t hear: “All right, here’s the new one from Train, this is 'Drops Of Jupiter' on 102.3 “The Wave”.
Hey Country Station DJ:
I don’t listen to you. Ever. Someone can fill this one in for me.
Hey DJ Jazzy Jeff:
Will’s had his day in the sun, I think it’s time to make your move.
More Linkin Park!
Hey D.J. Tanner:
How about letting a creepy old man live out his youthful fantasy and make awkward love to you in your TV bedroom while Stephanie watches?
Alright, I got a little off topic at the end there, but you guys get the gist.
so true. i.e. a $500 '91 honda crx with $3k of stereo, 15 coats of bondo (to hold together the "ground effexxxx"), a trunk spoiler (on a front wheel drive?? ridiculous) that you could park a car on, $2k of window decals, running on 4 spare tires (1 w/ a 20" plastic snap on hubcap from pep-boys), and hasnt had an oil change since 'nam. absurd.
Mamacass
Thump, Thump, Thump
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Posted: 3/15/2006 10:21:11 AM
Yep, drive a gremlin, shake the fucking roof with your bass and dump some more cash into some spinners. Shine it up with a bumper sticker that advertises the fact that you just spent $1000 more on speakers than the Gremlin itself. These retards serve as excellent birth control.
dale
fgreat
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Posted: 3/15/2006 10:24:28 AM
fantastic finish with the DJ jazzy jeff/tanner ending.
Atlas
Good Ending
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Posted: 3/15/2006 10:33:46 AM
Rather weak body though. Personally I hate the in studio talent that has to laugh at the bullshit being spewed by the edgy morning guy. These dumb fuckers yuck it up at every unfunny quip the local no talent is throwing up all over us, these guys need to take a long look in the mirror.
Christine
YAY MIKE!! I'm all over your tip!
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Posted: 3/15/2006 10:45:03 AM
DJazzy jeff was always cooler than Will Smith. However, Stephanie is a Meth head now and won't be able to sit still long enough to watch you bone DJ.
Mamacass- its Milton's birthday, don't tell him to fuck off today, at least wait util tomorrow.
Milton
Mamacass
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Post #: 16
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Posted: 3/15/2006 10:45:21 AM
Who the fuck are you and why aren't you filling the air in someone's tires right now??? If you drive such a piece of shit then get a fucking job, buy a new car and stop bitching. Settledown there, Scooter. I didnt mention you or your POS. I said radio sucks and that satelite radio keeps me from killing stupid fucks like you while I'm driving. Cause its always some angry jackass in a buick that wont get out of the left hand lane cause he's pissed that other cars can go over 45mph.
Patrick - The best is when they have the the spinner hub-caps.
I'M A G
I'M A G
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Posted: 3/15/2006 10:50:39 AM
CHRISTIAN ROCK SHOULD HAVE BEEN TOUCHED ON.
K.W.
on sat radio
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Post #: 18
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Posted: 3/15/2006 11:13:24 AM
I say no to sat radio. Its great and all, but I shouldn't have to pay for radio. The problem is this: YOU people don't change the station when music stops and the "im 35, but think I still know how to party" DJs start talking. This sends a message to the station. YOU like to hear them talk. We recently got a great station here in Detroit on 93.1 They play everything (thier motto.) No DJs, just a few recorded ID spots and less commercials because of all that. I heard "Car Wash" one day directly followed by "Rag Doll" F'in A, Cotton. F'in A
The GZA
FM "Satellite" Radio
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Post #: 19
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Posted: 3/15/2006 11:14:43 AM
They have an FM station here in San Antonio that tries to pass itself off as a satellite station. No DJs, good mix of music, but lots of commercials. It's actually pretty good though, better that the hip-hop, country, classic rock, or top 40 stations which all paly into Mike's analysis perfectly.
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