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So the tape deck in my 94’ Dodge Dakota is jammed again, forcing me to endure the local radio stations over the past few weeks whenever I don’t feel like listening to the Aerosmith “Pump” cassette that is currently, regrettably, lodged in there.
That being said, I have a few choice words for the disk jockeys who oversee the various channels that I have no choice but to listen to while I save up money to buy a new, more modern tape deck.
Hey Classic Rock DJ:
Stop trying to “Rock Me To My Weekend”. I like weekends as much as the next guy, but I don’t need your constant updates about how far away the next one is. I can do that math. And I certainly don’t need the J. Geils Band to help me get there.
Also, please stop playing new music from classic rock bands in an attempt to make the bands seem currently relevant. Words can’t describe how little interest I have in hearing “A new one from Sammy Hagar”.
Hey Oldies DJ:
Enough with the trivia already. That’s really sweet that you know the name of the bassist from Herman’s Hermits, but just because you’ve wasted your life gathering such knowledge doesn’t mean that we have. I don’t want to spin your “Mega Motown Prize Wheel” to try to win passes to a day spa. Just play some fucking Stones and shut up.
Hey Hip Hop DJ on 107.BLAK:
Does that beat really need to be behind everything? With that same incessant rhythm, I have a hard time differentiating between Young Jeezy’s newest cut and your hourly traffic updates and urban-oriented commercials for Check Into Cash stores and wig outlets.
Hey College DJ:
Get your shit together dude. I know that this is a learning experience, but that doesn’t mean you have to suck this colossally hard. What’s with all the tech problems? Does that three minutes of dead airtime following songs really have to be that frequent? Could you at least try to have the right song come on after you announce it every now and then?
And I know it’s lame to be excited to be on the radio and that you have a detached, angst-ridden persona to keep up, but could you do me a solid; drop the attitude for a minute and put some goddamned inflection in your voice? I promise I won’t tell anyone that you emote.
I’m also super-impressed by your vast musical knowledge and your unwillingness to conform to society’s shitty musical standards, but just because something is really obscure doesn’t mean that it’s good. It’s great that you found that bootleg-live performance from the former band of the lead singer of The Arcade Fire on which they cover an old Velvet Underground song, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s completely fucking unlistenable.
Hey “Extreme” DJ:
It's Over Sammy
Korn sucks my balls. So does Staind. Why are you so mad? I’m super sorry your stepdad never hugged you as a child, but that doesn’t give you the right to take it out on me with your shitty, angry-scream-rock.
Additionally, “Extreme DJ”- your “Extreme Morning Show” is garbage, too. Don’t get me wrong, I love the colorful and vivid descriptions of the dump you took this morning (now, that’s edgy!), and your ongoing contest that encourages your female listeners to send in pictures of themselves wearing thongs to your website for their chance to be voted “Miss 92.3 Extreme Camel Toe”. That’s just plain good radio.
It’s just too early in the day to deal with the painful realization that your show being on the air suggests that there are enough ignorant people living in my area to merit an entire radio program geared towards them.
Hey Top 20 Pop DJ:
Please stop. Just stop. You are ruining our youth with this vacuous music and it’s associated culture.
Also, you’re 35 years old; stop trying to use current catch phrases in a sad attempt to appeal to your youthful listeners. The new Kelly Clarkson album will “come out” this weekend, not “drop”. Say, it bitch! Say it!
Hey Adult Contemporary DJ:
I’ve got no issues with you. Someone has to sate the masses that await dental exams and new license plates with their Bryan Adams and Richard Marx fix. My only gripe arises when you try to pass off three-year old songs as being “Fresh new music”. Your listeners are old and out of touch. Most of them have come to terms with that; why can’t you? Everything’s cool as long as I don’t hear: “All right, here’s the new one from Train, this is 'Drops Of Jupiter' on 102.3 “The Wave”.
Hey Country Station DJ:
I don’t listen to you. Ever. Someone can fill this one in for me.
Hey DJ Jazzy Jeff:
Will’s had his day in the sun, I think it’s time to make your move.
More Linkin Park!
Hey D.J. Tanner:
How about letting a creepy old man live out his youthful fantasy and make awkward love to you in your TV bedroom while Stephanie watches?
Alright, I got a little off topic at the end there, but you guys get the gist.
The DJs on rock stations are insufferable because they all have that gravelly voice from smoking too many packs of Camel Lights.
Radio sucks these days, because music sucks these days. Pure and simple.
The only thing kinda worth listening to is the classic rock station. But at times, they play a little too much Skynyrd and Zep.
Joe Kickass
DJ Tanner
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Posted: 3/15/2006 12:43:04 PM
She's hot as hell. When I was living in South Florida, I went to Panther games whenever they played Pittsburgh (it sucks being a hockey fan in South fucking Florida by the way). Anyway, she was dating one of the Bure brothers and always was at the games. She is smoking.
Also, DJ Jazzy Jeff already made his move. His album dropped, er, came out, about two years ago. It's called The Magnificent and it's not half bad. He also works with The Roots and some underground acts. He's pretty good. But, Summertime was the jam.
deuce
gimme a soft summer mix
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Posted: 3/15/2006 1:06:15 PM
and if it aint broke, then dont try to fix it (try to fix it..) good call joe.
rikku markka- all problems with radio stations would be solved if they played more skynard and zepplin
Christine
Yeah I got on sneaks, but I need a new pair
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Posted: 3/15/2006 1:34:21 PM
I second the good call Joe.
P.S. A place called the Plateau is where everybody was, but now you are pretty much guaranteed to get gang raped there.
Beetle
Sat. Radio
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Posted: 3/15/2006 2:11:46 PM
Is the only way to go. Also, get the XM because Sirius blows doggie dick. Howard Stern is an old Jooooooooooo! He is now too old, lazy, and pompous to even work on Fridays. Nice way to screw your fans Howie. Also, he is scared shitless of Opie and Anthony.
Frank
The Frank
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Posted: 3/15/2006 2:29:03 PM
I agree
Yakov
Sirius
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Posted: 3/15/2006 3:21:32 PM
... is better and not cuz of Stern. 2 people can't even listen to XM online at the same time, lame-o. I gave my Sirius passwords out to tons of people and they all enjoy it. Opie and Anthony??? ha - you must like Larry the Cable Guy too.
Beetle
Yakov
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Posted: 3/15/2006 3:55:23 PM
Yeah, Sirius is great. They don't even have a portable system where you can listen to a live radio feed. Are you kidding me???? XM has 6 different Ipod sized radios which stream live radio. Sirius has no such device and does not have one in the works. Losers. Also, if Sirius is dumb enough to allow unlimited internet users on one password, it is no wonder they are on the brink of bankruptcy. Dumbasses.
JimHL
Pump?
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Posted: 3/15/2006 4:55:49 PM
With all due respect, Polk, how did Pump get INTO your car tape player? Unless it's been jammed there since 1990 - it should have been taken out, then thrown out the window, right after Tyler moaned the into to Janie's Gotta Gun.
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