Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
As a special treat for everyone who is stuck at work this week, here is one the best pieces from the book, "Look At My Striped Shirt!" In addition to this classic piece from The Phat Phree, there are more than 50 never-before-published essays from some of the funniest writers on the site.
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!
My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!
I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!
I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!
I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!
Party Fuel
I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!
I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!
I will valet tonight!
I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!
I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!
When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!
I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!
I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!
When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!
I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!
Hey wait a second, this is exactly what I was saying last night...have u guys been following me?
mj
party blouses
()
Post #: 92
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 3/19/2005
boys in blouses.......a dime a dozen. I think that was me trying to dance with my friends last night when that guy in the strip shirt tried to dance with us while doing the white-guy's over-bite.....impressive. couldn't feel the buldge---but my, what a turn on that would be!!
Mike V
"Chief"
()
Post #: 93
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 3/19/2005
Where were the cameras? I dont remember signing anything to release my "night" to the media.
Coon Snatch
"Those Guys"
()
Post #: 94
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 3/19/2005
I know a group of assholes that all act the part... They also stand around by the bar and play "credit card roulette" and have some hot chick pull the cards from their pockets...
"I'm not afraid..."
Dudley Dawson
triangle haircut...
()
Post #: 95
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 3/20/2005
These are the guys who all have that same triangle haircuts and are wearing striped shirts and have their eyebrows waxed.
Tim Moore
2DAFLOORBOOTSY
()
Post #: 96
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 3/20/2005
Polk! Polk! Polk...The legions scream in unison. Ohh yeahh, these bitches are gonna get a taste of some of this man-meat by the night's end, that's right. These sloots are gonna have my acqua di gio stink all over them! Hell yeah! Heaven forbid my softball team lost tonight or that asshole sippin' his vodka is gonna get a taste of pissed off served hot! We're the everlasting assholes whose testosterone-fueled alpha-maled egos slobber over on the weekends and spill out with every crunk juice breath we take! Whatchu lookin' at? This is the home of the head-butt and we'll kick your ass and 10 monkeys that look like you! DUDES! DUDES! DUDES! CHICKS! BEER! DUDES! CHICKS! BEER!
WANGO
future jr.v.p.
()
Post #: 97
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 3/20/2005
GOOD STUFF! I guarantee all bridge & tunnelers and murray hillers are going "Can you believe this fuckin guy (Polk)?" in unison after reading this.
A Chick
Dead on EXCEPT 2 things
()
Post #: 98
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 3/20/2005
"oh my, I saw him times 3 last night". Only inaccuracy is that his shirt should be tucked out and maybe that his hair should be a little darker.
yakuth
yawn........
()
Post #: 99
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 3/20/2005
HELP .............IM SURROUNDED BY ASSHOLES ....................TAKE ME AWAY FROM ALL THESE HUMANOIDS .................... DISCUSSING THE RELEVANCE OF A STRIPPED SHIRT ..............PLEASE!!! KILL ME NOW!!! NOT FUNNY OR INTERESTING..............PLEASE DEATH, COME TO ME ....... NO SIGNS OF ANY INTELLIGENT LIFE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DO THE GALAXY A FAVOR AND ANNIHILATE YOURSELVES WITH THE BIGGEST FUCKIN' BOMB YOU CAN THINK OF ................DARKIES,GAYS,NON-CATHOLICS,LIBERALS GO FIRST..................
poon hound
reality
()
Post #: 100
Posts: Rank: n/a Joined:
n/a
Location:
n/a
Posted: 3/21/2005
A real man would have banged the fat chicks then made fun of them!!!!
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Posts: 
