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As a special treat for everyone who is stuck at work this week, here is one the best pieces from the book, "Look At My Striped Shirt!" In addition to this classic piece from The Phat Phree, there are more than 50 never-before-published essays from some of the funniest writers on the site.
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!
My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!
I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!
I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!
I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!
Party Fuel
I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!
I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!
I will valet tonight!
I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!
I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!
When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!
I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!
I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!
When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!
I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!
Whoever wrote this is obviously jealous of what guys like us have rightfully earned. I worked hard in school and at my job to reach this position in life, and I won't be shit on by some self-effacing little prick that probably hasn't seen pussy since childbirth. Sure I drink Redbull, sure I like golf, of course I have a few expensive striped shirts.... I'm not ashamed of my success. Try making a dollar someday. It feels pretty damn good, fuckface.
Lex DeNovo
AHHR
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Post #: 102
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Posted: 3/21/2005
A very hard roll. And very personal.
Pat
next time
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Post #: 103
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Posted: 3/21/2005
Great article, but can you write one about everyone who wears black t-shirts, ripped jeans and patched-over messenger bags and thinks he/she is totally unique? Then THOSE people can take it way too seriously and get overly offended while the striped shirt guys can go on about how they hate ALL of these "anti-establishment loser vegan fags". It'll be great- total war (and of course by 'total war' I mean a bunch of empty threats posted semi-anonymously on a bulletin board). PS- I live in a nudist colony and therefore have no ties to either side.
Conrad
sucka
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Post #: 104
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Posted: 3/21/2005
Well said, except for the part about going to denny's in the morning with fucked up hair, and a wrinkled ass stripped shirt, withn untied shoelaces and a sore back from sleeping on god knows what, only to be told how many people that you drunk dialed at 311 am , to "to come original to come original"
Fat Chick Playboy
RIGHT ON TARGET!
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Post #: 105
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Posted: 3/21/2005
Dead on like my dick in a fat chicks as$. Richard Thornmeiger is a f*cking complete BOOB! Carry on.........
Casey
hilarious
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Post #: 106
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Posted: 3/21/2005
this is too funny. i can attest to the definite existence of guys like these. i especially love the line...
"I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!"
Classic.
Duane Valencia
Really?
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Post #: 107
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Posted: 3/21/2005
Those Gyros are very good, don't talk shit...
poonhound
I banged Richard Thornmeiger's girlfriend
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Post #: 108
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Posted: 3/21/2005
The title says it all!!!
Richard,
I boned your girlfriend on your boat, in your striped shirt. Tell her thanks for breakfast when you see her.
LORDBAMM
Hot Stripped Shit + Alcohol = Much Pussy Tonight
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Post #: 109
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Posted: 3/21/2005
This was totally hilarious, sounds like a page out of my book being that I too am a big beliver in the fact that a hot stripped shirt = Much Action. Dude keep up the good work We need to party sometime I show you how to get the Phat girls to come home and swallow your gyro.
Stripped Shirt RULE.
Brad Thompson
Feels Good To Be King...
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Post #: 110
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Posted: 3/21/2005
Dig it bitch. This is how we roll in the dirty-dirty. You know I got my wife-beater on under the stripes. Untucked. Kenneth Cole belt matching my KC shoes. Sleeves rolled up like the Fugees, "...ONE TIME....". Fuck the Rolex. I'm rocking the Nixon tonight.
Left pocket on my jeans full of c-notes by the layer. Got the bills with the big faces wrapped around my ID, Corporate AmEx and the handful of biz cards you know I'll be handing out tonight. Back pocket rockin' the WInter Fresh Gum. Sparkling white teeth alone won't cut it. Gotta be fresh when you post up on these tricks.
Shall I take the Jag or rock the company car? Fugg it. Rolling with my crew, better take the 5 seater.
Fuck that line. You know we're VIP. RED BULL and VODKA darlin'. Make it a double. And a round of bombs. Bring it, don't sing it.
See you at the club motherfucker.
By the way........WHICH WAY TO THE SQUAT RACK?????
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