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As a special treat for everyone who is stuck at work this week, here is one the best pieces from the book, "Look At My Striped Shirt!" In addition to this classic piece from The Phat Phree, there are more than 50 never-before-published essays from some of the funniest writers on the site.
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!
My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!
I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!
I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!
I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!
Party Fuel
I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!
I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!
I will valet tonight!
I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!
I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!
When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!
I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!
I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!
When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!
I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!
I don't get it? So what are we supposed to wear? A plain tee shirt? How about a jumpsuit.
StripedShitWarrior
I get that ass
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Post #: 1182
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Posted: 1/4/2006 7:57:38 PM
You can hate on me, but I am the one bringing home that ass. Just cause you are nerd in the corner who doesn't have the balls to talk to a chick or the money to shop at a nice store...
Huh
Yeah Right
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Post #: 1183
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Posted: 1/4/2006 7:59:03 PM
You wish you got laid, and as for having money to be able to go to the "nice" stores... Please. I'd rather drop the loot on a nice car or a house than a silly wadrobe that will be uncool in a month, or in the case of striped shirts, already is.
StripedShirtWarrior
Please.
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Post #: 1184
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Posted: 1/4/2006 8:00:19 PM
You know my shit is tight. That's why you girlfriend twiddles her bean thinking about my cock.
StripedShirtKilla
Right...
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Post #: 1185
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Posted: 1/4/2006 8:02:27 PM
I wreck the Striped Shirters in my neighborhood. That shit is like a target. I see one, and i zero in for the kill. Nothing better than beating some punk down when he rolls in thinking a shirt makes him cool.
Zzzz.
Zzzz.
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Post #: 1186
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Posted: 1/4/2006 8:03:46 PM
Tough guys on the message board... I find that a lot of really tough guys hang out on message boards. The are always talking about kicking people's asses.
StripedShirtWarrior
That's Right.
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Post #: 1187
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Posted: 1/4/2006 8:05:04 PM
I'll kick you ass Zzzz. You want some of this, comed meet me down at Crow Bar... I'll be the one with the Striped Shirt and the hot bitch on my arm.
Awesome
I think I'm going to buy a boat this year.
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Post #: 1188
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Posted: 1/4/2006 8:06:28 PM
Hilarious. That is the best line of the whole thing. Maybe the line about the valet too. Polk is God!
Molson
Striped shirts
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Post #: 1189
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Posted: 1/6/2006 8:57:25 AM
Striped shirts make the earth rotate on its axis. I love lamp.
"El Diablo"
Getting Ready...
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Post #: 1190
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Posted: 1/7/2006 6:04:04 PM
Just put on my favorite stiped shirt for a night on the town and "I can smell the Yeager bombs already".....Of cousre we will start off with a nice round of Golden Tee!
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