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As a special treat for everyone who is stuck at work this week, here is one the best pieces from the book, "Look At My Striped Shirt!" In addition to this classic piece from The Phat Phree, there are more than 50 never-before-published essays from some of the funniest writers on the site.
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!
My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!
I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!
I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!
I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!
Party Fuel
I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!
I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!
I will valet tonight!
I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!
I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!
When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!
I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!
I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!
When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!
I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!
yeah - my article sucks, that's why they not only deleted my article, but the MULTITUDE of commentary agreeing with it. that's right 'wa' - you're really smart. better log off because your naacp job starts really early in the morning. funny thing is the truth is now out there - i only call 'em like i sees 'em dawg. not my fault that whenever you try and go out that it's like planet of the apes.
zenofeller
i know, i know
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Post #: 1202
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Posted: 1/26/2006 4:55:03 PM
the guy in the picture looks painfuly gay. the text next to it reads ¨teen trying to pretend he´s cool by attempting potshots at himself"
let´s sum it up. gay mentally retarded young male. must be tucker max.
AMAZIN
GR8 Article
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Post #: 1203
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Posted: 1/27/2006 3:45:09 PM
Hey man, first time Ive been on this website - I was shown this article via an email chain thats going rampant in my office. Is this not the saddest truth about us boyz when we were single? (Or what we imagine to do when we are now married?) This article is gold - keep it up and David Letterman will be talking about this one....
HS Rockers...Rock?
Microphone Fixer Upper
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Post #: 1204
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Posted: 1/27/2006 9:35:21 PM
*FROMPIN!*
(...and that, my friend, is why I HATE Toby Keith...)
JOMA
gone are the days
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Post #: 1205
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Posted: 2/1/2006 9:53:03 AM
With in this article, there are more similarities to the good ole days with my friends than I wish to write about. But there is on idea, from this article, that I can honestly say was a obvious truth. My friends and I did beat people down on a regular basis. It was fun! And we didn't worry about pussy until wounds were cleaned out and are belly was full. After all, a man needs a women to undress his battered body and to dress his wounds in the morning.
Gone are the days!!!!!
Dampeer
Striped shirt
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Post #: 1206
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Posted: 2/1/2006 4:14:54 PM
hilllllllllllllarious
B. Gislason
WHAT A WASTE OF SPACE
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Post #: 1207
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Posted: 2/2/2006 2:39:09 AM
YOU SO NEED TO GET A LIFE YOU PATHETIC CREATURE. ONE WONDERS WHY PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE PUT ON THIS EARTH!
Shaun
to a "t"
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Post #: 1208
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Posted: 2/10/2006 4:12:56 PM
Hillllarious! Completely accurate. I can honestly say I am a little too young to have hit that stage...but give me 1.5 maybe 2 years and I'll be there. Now all we need is someone to write an article about all the all-american jackasses in the clubs who rock the tribal tats and button-downs only half way buttoned, roided out and over tanned. I think they are way worse than the "striped'shirt" crowd.
Anonymous Coward
Worse than striped shirts
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Post #: 1209
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Posted: 2/13/2006 12:36:31 PM
Guys who wax their chests (and claim to be straight).
Sly
Not that funny
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Post #: 1210
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Posted: 2/16/2006 1:42:09 PM
You have the ingredients...but you don't really deliver it with any flair... Sorry man, fucking came out pretty lame...Learn to be a good writer - Like Strauss or Tuckermax....
Basically is like a recent SNL skit....unfunny and pathetic....
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