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As a special treat for everyone who is stuck at work this week, here is one the best pieces from the book, "Look At My Striped Shirt!" In addition to this classic piece from The Phat Phree, there are more than 50 never-before-published essays from some of the funniest writers on the site.
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!
My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!
I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!
I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!
I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!
Party Fuel
I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!
I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!
I will valet tonight!
I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!
I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!
When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!
I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!
I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!
When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!
I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!
I don't care what any one has said with their reply.
The shit is funny, period.......
Actually it's fucking hilarious. People need to get over themselves yesterday.
Every man has goes out on a mission once its the weekend. To get laid, valet, do it up, party hard, act like they are in a P-diddy video all night long. The crystal is being replaced by the red bull in this article and it's a riot.
Great article........
Cracker
Still makes me laugh..
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Post #: 1213
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Posted: 3/3/2006 7:30:02 PM
I stumbled across this article last summer and it had me in tears...reading it again has reaffirmed that it is still fucking funny as hell. I work with a chachie "striped-shirt" guy..he's such a chode. Walks around the office like his shit doesn't stink; always checking himself out anytime he sees his reflection walking by an office window; and wears some form of a pinstriped shirt every day of the week. Well done, sir...well done indeed.
Victor French
What the Fuck
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Post #: 1214
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Posted: 3/4/2006 12:07:37 PM
What happened to when men were men? Striped shirt? If that's all I had to wear, I would wear it. As long as it was loose enough for me to split firewood in. Advice for all you "men" out there: If you're hard up to get laid, there's no substitute for the shitty Oakland A's mesh cap and scraggly beard.
jtook
board shorts
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Post #: 1215
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Posted: 3/6/2006 7:46:59 PM
I loved this email the first time I saw it a year ago. I was reminded of it this weekend as two guys with the exact same striped shirt on pounded shots while blocking everyone else's view of the game. I pulled it back out today and decided to build off of it. I got that boat I was talking about. It was just over $50,000. I could have bought ten of them with my earnings and credit. I have perfect credit because I have my shit together! This summer I am having a beach party and will break out my new board shorts. The kind of swimsuit that doesn't have the liner, so chicks can stare at my package when I get back onto the boat after throwing some major air. On the lake, I will slam some more Jager bombs and show off my shaven chest and back dimples. I will pull the bitches around on tubes and wait to give the hottest one a turn so when she asks for a ride I can quickly respond with, "I was saving yours for later tonight", and they would all see how quick witted I am. I will have a golden brown tan and the hotties will be fighting to brush the sand off my kick ass swimsuit after I make a game saving dig in beach volleyball. In college I had a full scholarship until I blew out my damn knee but the scar from surgery gets me serious tail either way. Then I will take one more spin around the lake near sunset with my video camera to get the girls to talk about the craziest sexual thing they have ever done and their plans after college. Shit that reminds me I need to tell Mike the bouncer to get some of those beads. Between being such a well established 30 year old and looking so fucking good in my board shorts they will be trying to one up each other for my attention as they throw themselves at me. Then I will move to the hot tub and actually spill more Pinot Grigio than I drink while the chicks get smashed. That is all that shit is good for anyway. After that I will hit the shower with at least 2 at a time before playing my guitar at the campfire while my lucky board shorts hang over a beach chair drying for the next day’s work. I just hope the party isn't a sausage fest with the only women being cousins again this year.
ballshot
Great
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Post #: 1216
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Posted: 3/9/2006 10:54:38 PM
Check any bar in the state of New Jersey that is situated within 5 miles of the Atlantic Ocean between roughly June 1st and August 28th.
You must observe with the right mindset, or the the overwhelming douchicity will inspire you to violence...and the only thing worse than sitting in a bar with a bunch of over-gelled tanning bed Polo fags....is spending the night in a holding cell of a "down the shore" police station...with a bunch of over-gelled tanning bed Polo fags.
Best thing to do is to just sit, and be entertained.
Terry
Yes.
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Post #: 1217
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Posted: 3/11/2006 7:19:06 PM
This is so funny because EVERYONE knows who those guys are. And thank you guy 2 comments down for what seems to be a string of missile launch codes.
different view point
read it again
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Post #: 1218
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Posted: 3/13/2006 11:50:44 AM
I don't think this story was funny at all. If you read towards the bottom again, the guys life is pretty sad and I think he needs some help. He is going to pretend to slit his wrists. What is funny about that? I think that this story should remind us to not judge a book by its cover and that everyone has a deeper story. That the "striped shirt" is just a facade. The guy is a VP by day and a partier by night with what seems to be no more goals in life but to get some "pussy." And when he doesn't get that...this guy has issues and I think we all know someone like this but those issues are deeply imbedded and are covered up by the drinking and trying to be a tough guy. We should pay more attention to these people in our lives so one day, you don't lose them.
mike
DOUCHEBAGGERY
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Post #: 1219
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Posted: 3/13/2006 7:28:34 PM
There is no doubt in my mind you are definitely a douchebag!
chachi
what?
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Post #: 1220
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Posted: 3/13/2006 8:08:59 PM
there is nothing more hilarious than pretending to slice your wrists.
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