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As a special treat for everyone who is stuck at work this week, here is one the best pieces from the book, "Look At My Striped Shirt!" In addition to this classic piece from The Phat Phree, there are more than 50 never-before-published essays from some of the funniest writers on the site.
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!
My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!
I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!
I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!
I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!
Party Fuel
I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!
I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!
I will valet tonight!
I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!
I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!
When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!
I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!
I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!
When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!
I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!
The comment 4 doors down was obviously sent out by Polk to keep the fire burning underneath this article. I could be Polk. I could be the Pope. I could be the "Polka Dancincing Pope from Saginaw Michigan" for all you fuckin' imbeciles know. I shit on almost every single one of you.
Whitey
For real
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Post #: 1222
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Posted: 3/13/2006 11:54:30 PM
Dancing. I beat you to it. So sorry to ruin the basis of your critique.
Go to hell spammers
spammers should die of syphillis
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Post #: 1223
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Posted: 3/16/2006 2:16:56 PM
Dear spammers: please fuck yourselves, then commit suicide by setting yourselves on fire
CahGXqOKQq
CahGXqOKQq
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Post #: 1224
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Posted: 3/17/2006 7:26:22 AM
T38v5vDgUrCl7m bN2j40arhkJ8J As8bUrRgS0k
a jesuit
You missed the point...
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Post #: 1225
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Posted: 3/20/2006 3:22:38 PM
The world would be a better place without morons like that. I live in a college town full of frat boys with a similar mentality to our narrator. If they would all die, I wouldn't have to slash their SUVs tires and piss in their untended keg cups.
Pat
HMM
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Post #: 1226
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Posted: 3/28/2006 3:09:57 PM
Looks like the Phat Phree needs some comment-spam software.
jason
swedes
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Post #: 1227
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Posted: 3/30/2006 10:24:42 AM
Fucking Swedes. Just nuke em already (the country and the comments)
The Living Tribunal
Truthboy!
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Post #: 1228
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Posted: 4/2/2006 10:30:49 PM
Thanks a ton for re-posting that genius article! I had almost forgotten about that one! Now why dont you and Joeblow go suck each other off, you racist piece of shit!
P.S. good luck being pissed off and miserable the rest of your life!
Max
What the hell?
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Post #: 1229
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Posted: 4/3/2006 4:40:58 PM
Happened to this comment board? It's been completely bombed by nonsensical ad bullshit.
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