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As a special treat for everyone who is stuck at work this week, here is one the best pieces from the book, "Look At My Striped Shirt!" In addition to this classic piece from The Phat Phree, there are more than 50 never-before-published essays from some of the funniest writers on the site.
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!
My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!
I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!
I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!
I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!
Party Fuel
I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!
I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!
I will valet tonight!
I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!
I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!
When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!
I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!
I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!
When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!
I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!
Come on Jeanie, you know you wanted just as much as I did. That was the best 19 seconds of your life. If you call the cops, it will only make me more angry and I will use much more force when raping you the next time.
chefsteph
I Think I know this guy!
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Post #: 52
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Posted: 3/18/2005
Wasn't this the guy I saw at Indochine last weekend? Donkey's are so rad! They absolutely make my night. Who else makes me laugh until I pee?
visibleh20
Tragic!
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Post #: 53
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Posted: 3/18/2005
This amusing writing tells me that striped shirts are definately good to wear. Is the tee shirt losing its steam for cheap guys? I suppose... I used to have this pink striped shirt, so soft and cool...
JB
Nice
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Post #: 54
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Posted: 3/18/2005
Well done.
ASHTON K
Sphincter Boy
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Post #: 55
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Posted: 3/18/2005
What about ringer t-shirts with dumb sayings on them? Are they still cool? Like the one's Landon wears on Real World.
I think you could write the same article about those t-shirts.
JV
Sad but true
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Post #: 56
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Posted: 3/18/2005
There are dudes that actually think this way. Actually, one of them is sitting right across from me. Do striped shirts really get guys laid more than solids? I get laid a lot and I don't own a striped shirt. I'll have to try it out.
JEFF
HEAL THY INNER CHILD
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Post #: 57
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Posted: 3/18/2005
SOUNDS MORE LIKE IT IS WRITTEN BY SOMEBODY WITH SELF ESTEEM AS LOW AS THE TYPE OF PERSON THEY DESCRIBE
brian rowe
notice to all clothing manufacturers
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Post #: 58
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Posted: 3/18/2005
start having a yard sale today with these shirts....they are fixing to be worthless
travis nelson
junior vice preidebt
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Post #: 59
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Posted: 3/18/2005
I am wearing a stripped shirt right now and tool plenty of jager bombs last night in memory os old St. Patrick
Striped Shirt Man
Back off!
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Post #: 60
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Posted: 3/18/2005
Don't fuck with me Mike Polk, you're cramping my style. If I don't get any pussy tonight, I'm coming to find you.
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