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As a special treat for everyone who is stuck at work this week, here is one the best pieces from the book, "Look At My Striped Shirt!" In addition to this classic piece from The Phat Phree, there are more than 50 never-before-published essays from some of the funniest writers on the site.
Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I'm coming home with some pussy tonight! That's right! It's been a long week at the office and it's time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say "Junior Vice President" on them! They're glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!
My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!
I figure we'll kick off the night with some Golden Tee! I am going to smack the shit out of that little white ball! It's going to be so fucking loud! I'll bet I can drive that pretend golf ball 600 fucking yards tonight! I'm that fucking pumped!
I can almost taste those Jager Bombs right now! I fucking love Red Bull! I put it on my God damned cereal! I'm crushing one right now!
I'm thinking about buying a boat this year!
Party Fuel
I'm gonna fight someone tonight! I pray to God someone makes eye contact with me! I will beat his ass! And God help him if he gets any blood on my striped shirt! If he does, I'll scrub it out with his dick and some bleach! I mean it!
I'm gonna grind on girls asses tonight! You heard me! When I see a group of girls dancing in a circle, I will select the most attractive one and dry hump her until it hurts! I will rub my cock against her so that she can feel my throbbing hard on!
I will valet tonight!
I will treat the valet with contempt and make sure that he knows that I am superior to him in life! I will tell him to "Take it easy on the brakes, Champ"!
I will talk to people I don't know about my job tonight! They will all know that I am an important man! I will call female bartenders "Babe" and male bartenders "Chief"!
When I do not hook up with a girl at that club, I will say that the place is "full of skanks"! We will wait in a long line to go to another bar only to strike out again!
I will give up and decide to order a gyro off of a street vendor! I will make fun of him to my friends for being foreign! I will look ridiculous purchasing my gyro because people will be able to tell by my striped shirt and tinted sunglasses that I struck out and am settling for a gyro!
I will make one last attempt to hook up by trying to coax two big girls who are also ordering gyros to coming back to my place for "after hours"! When they say no I will make fun of them for being fat! I will leave!
When I get home I will go to the bathroom and hold the straight razor to my wrist again! I will gently drag the razor laterally against my vein, making sure not to actually cut myself!
I will then go to my room and pass out! I will need some shut eye so that I'll be ready to fucking party again tomorrow!
It's the mentality stupid, its not the striped shirt its the egocentric, pompous men who wear them. The article is funny and oh so true. The sad story of many men out there who externally look for whatever the fad is at the time to show off. Deep down these men have the self esteem of a cockroach. That is why they must feel superior to everyone around them . They can't take rejection and all they do is think with thier dicks. They are hollow shells with no substance, and totally lack the originality to think for themselves that is why they all look alike. Why are we so stuck on fake imperialism? What ever happened to real humility and individuality?
Jerko
undies
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Post #: 72
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Posted: 3/18/2005
Don't forget the tighty whiteys
Pollo
Pollo loco
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Post #: 73
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Posted: 3/18/2005
Time to find a new uniform guys, your busted! No more vice president blah blah blah barf...ha! Justice is served by this article for all the people who were dying of boredom in the world of striped shirt assholes. Now if we could loosen the laces on there shiny square toed shoes, soften the spiky hair, and scuff up the pretty watch, this world might have a bit more character.
jewdee
oh god
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Post #: 74
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Posted: 3/18/2005
haahhaha! sounds like my boyfriend and his friends, except they're a little more thugged out and unemployed
Hot Karl
Deep thoughts
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Post #: 75
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Posted: 3/18/2005
I think Fake Imperisalism is a carpet muncher.
Trick
I need to go change...
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Post #: 76
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Posted: 3/18/2005
I'm wearing a striped shirt as I read this, laughing my ass off...man do I suck...
raj
damn
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Post #: 77
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Posted: 3/18/2005
i'm not asking my friend to give me back my striped shirt they borrowed
bitch
idiot
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Post #: 78
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Posted: 3/18/2005
hot karl is fucking illiterate. and yes fake imperialism is a homo.
George
LOSER
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Post #: 79
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Posted: 3/18/2005
If Golden Tee had a joystick, you might have gotten off earlier in the night and gone home happy. Well at least you played with its ball and slurped some stinky gyro sauce later on. Striped shirts are for fags.
Enrico Pallazo
Odds
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Post #: 80
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Posted: 3/18/2005
Fake Imperialism/Getreal is definitely a woman or gay. Or both.
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