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Windshields Stay Crunchy in Milk!
After a wonderful sabbatical in Goshin Indiana, it’s time to sit down and write an article for the Phat Phree. Christ! What to write about? I got nothing. Let’s just start writing and see how it goes. Okay. Here we go…
“Look at my French cuffed jeans… Look at them!-“
NO!! STOP!
Jesus Christ! That MIGHT have been funny in 1987 but then again, probably not. Plus I think I’ve “borrowed” enough ideas from Mike Polk as it is.
Man this is hard! Okay, what about sports? I don’t really know that much about sports. I’m a giant pussy so I mostly whine about them because I can’t play them very well… Hmmmm… Okay! I got one!
“Ben Roethlisberger Taste Tests Chrysler New Yorker Windshield”
Oh, that one won’t work. It’s one joke, it’s in the title, and it’s already a week old. Plus I hate the Steelers and the last thing any Browns fan wants to do is trash talk the Super Bowl champs. "Your rings are so gay!" Yeah, that's a losing battle.
The people that post on the site are going to rip me a new one if I don’t nail this article…. What should I write about…? Perhaps I can throw myself at the mercy of those people that post here?
Wait, that won’t work. People would just write in with snappy answers like “Probably because you can’t write” or “Maybe because you aren’t funny” or “Get AIDS and Die Faggot”. MAN My dad is a tough critic. Never should have showed him the internet… Damn that Prodigy for still working on my old 386!
This wouldn’t work anyway. Brenda already told me why she won’t go on a date with me… well, she didn’t give me an answer, really. She just said to stop calling. Here’s hoping that the “Let's go out on a Date" Beargram I sent her does the trick.
What about the Nerd angle? The internet is teaming with Nerds. I’m sure more than a few of them frequent out site. Surely I can win their favor with an article about something nerdy.
“Panic at the Disco” Band Member Actually Gets Laid”
Okay, that is weak. As fun as it would be to write about one of those Danny Bonaduce-looking EMO queers, I think only about 2 of the 15 people reading might actually get it. I’ve got to reach those other 13 people. That’s 86% of our readership!
What about a Comic…? It has been a while since I’ve done a comic. Hmmm. Have to find the perfect comic to change the caption of. Not too specific and not too funny. Something everybody knows.
“Marmaduke Rapes Again”
No wait, I can’t do that. Every time I use Marmaduke, he’s either fucking something, murdering something, or fucking something he murdered. What if I made it more relevant?
“Marmaduke in Iraq”
Panic at the Disco: Oh so Edgy! And yes these are all boys...
Mmmmm maybe… Like he was one of the dogs at Abu Gharib? Naw, that’s too old. Lindy England has already been sent to jail and is, no doubt, already chin deep into her cellmate by now. Any jokes about her are old news…
“It’s a Fucked Up Occupation Charlie Brown”
Aw, shit! We can’t use Charlie Brown comics. We got a Cease and Desist order from their publisher. I think Charle DeMarco made a Peanuts comic that had Peppermint Patty fucking Sally with a strap-on while Marcy gave Lucy the shocker.
Charlie Brown in Iraq could have been funny. Maybe Charlie Brown gets his leg blown off by an IED and Linus has to show him the true meaning of Freedom by popping six Iraqis as they attempt to drive through a checkpoint. Then Charlie stones that little red-headed girl to death. Oh well, I guess I can’t use Peanuts.
Maybe a new Top 50 list? That seems to be great fodder and something everyone likes to chime in about. A great list might fit the bill…
“Top 50 Ted McGinley Vehicles”
Well shit! After Married with Children, Revenge of the Nerds and The Love Boat, what else is there? Maybe that lawyer show he was on whose name escapes me right now. Probably because he was on it. That was Ted McGinley’s Power. Making things absolutely forgettable. I think it was The Practice.
Oh wait. He was on the later episodes of Happy Days. Fuck that. Those episodes don’t exist in my mind. The Fonz would never have married anyone. Let alone some broad with a kid. That’s not the Fonz. The Fonz would’ve punched her like a juke box till she miscarried. Okay, the list is out.
Perhaps something dealing with sexuality. The majority of the people reading this site seem to be guys so I better err on the side of misogyny. At least a little anyway.
“Melissa Joan Hart: The most Rapeable face in Hollywood?”
Can’t write that. The judge was very specific about “public threats to Ms Hart”. Plus she’s getting kinda old.
“Foopa Fuckers”
People might not get that. I don't know if everyone knows what a foopa is. I better ask my 11-year old nephew if he knows what the fat bulge immediately below a woman’s belt line is called.
It’s not like people talk about that stuff very often anyway. When’s the last time you heard “Hey man, check out the foopa on that chick.” Besides who would hit that? Okay, I would, but this isn’t about what I would and wouldn’t hit. That would be a frightening list of dares that no one needs to see.
Right Now a Nerd is Nailing Your Girlfriend in a Funhouse!
I guess after brainstorming like this, there is really only one article left for me to write.
I liked it. I love when an author knows half the people reading his shit are morons that won't understand it. Good Job Jim!
Another idea you could have thrown in was an article about "Hoggin '06". Its an annual contest taking place down the shore in a few weeks (started by my brother and his friends), in which they wear tee shirts with HOGGIN written clearly on the shirt. The goal is to hook up with as many "plump" females as possible. the winner takes home the Hog cup. I am appalled by this and will kill myself if I am approached.
Tangent Guy
Ho-Hum until
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Posted: 6/19/2006 3:18:24 PM
I got to the section about "Peanuts" - instant classic!
Brocktoon
Hey Alright
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Posted: 6/19/2006 6:21:49 PM
you are a pretty great fella! good job
Fanmenace
Fanmenace
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Posted: 6/20/2006 12:20:04 AM
I think the medical term for 'Foopa ' is 'Crotch boobs'. No, wait a sec, I made that one up. 'Crotch boobs' probably won't work anyway - a negative out of two positives, 'Crotch' and 'Boobs', is downright uncool.
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