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These are 25 things that I've learned over the years. These are my mistakes: don't let them be yours!:
1.) Never buy cocaine from a guy who drives a shittier car than you do. It's okay to buy the cheap shit (meth, weed, crack...) from a guy with a crappy car, but not the good shit.
2.) In Vegas, guys on the street pass out little cards with a hooker’s picture, phone number and a price of $49.95. Don't believe that price; they cost way more then 50 bucks!
3.) When you're about to sleep with a girl and you happen to not have a condom and she tells you "Don't worry, I just got tested", don't sleep with her: she's a dirty whore and will give you an STD.
4.) If a girl begins a blow job by sucking on your balls, she knows what she's doing. If a girl begins a blow job by actually blowing on your dick, she doesn't know what she's doing.
5.) If you're ever in Iraq and you don't feel like wearing your body armor because it's too hot outside, you deserve to die. Always wear the body armor.
6.) If your girlfriend ever comes up to you and tells you that she'll give you one free night to do whatever you want with whomever you want, break up with the bitch on the spot! She's already cheated on you and she just wants you to do the same thing so she doesn't feel like such a slut. Plus, most likely, she has an STD and is hoping she can eventually blame it on you.
7.) If you're talking to a girl and she has a tongue ring and she tells you that she got it just because she thinks it looks cool; she's lying. This girl is in fact a dirty slut who likes to suck dick: buy her two more drinks and take her back to your place!
8.) If you just bought a Rolex for $20 off a guy on the street who swears that it's real...he's a lying bastard. Everyone knows that even stolen Rolexes go for at least $200.
9.) If your buddy ever tells you that he fucks a lot of chicks, he's probably not lying. If he ever tells you that he's never fucked a fat ugly chick, he's lying. If you catch him in that lie and he tells you it was only once, he's lying.
10.) If you meet the woman of your dreams and she fucks you the first night you meet her and she lets you stick your finger in her ass, trust me- she's not the woman of your dreams.
11.) If your girlfriend suddenly starts hanging out with her "long lost" best friend, alone, a lot, and she never invites you out with the two of them and he's a guy - she's cheating on you
12.) Chicks dig guys who are funny; chicks dig really good-looking guys. So, if you're not funny or good-looking - you need to make a lot of money. Cause, chicks dig rich guys way more then they do funny good-looking guys.
13.) A really bad way to pick up a chick is to wear a wedding ring and when she asks if you're married you say, "Yes...I mean, no... I mean...my wife - she died in a car accident 6 months ago, and I just can't take off the ring...I miss her so much...." Because, you know what's going to wind up happening? You're going to end up marrying this bitch and then she's going to die in a car accident.
14.) Another really bad way to pick up a chick is to be talking to her, and then ask her what her most embarrassing moment is. She's going to tell you something stupid, like how she farted in the 6th grade in the cafeteria in front of the whole school. Then, if she's thinking about sucking your dick, she's going to ask what yours is. So, of course, you tell her about the time when you were 21 and how some random girl was sucking your dick in your buddy's bathroom and she asked you how much longer it was going to take, and you told her the rest of the night unless the two of you fucked and then she said that she couldn’t do that because she was only seventeen. Trust me; your buddies are the only ones who think that story is funny.
15.) If you're out and you decide to pick up chicks using a fake name and fake occupation (Rex Volcano - Private Investigator; Hunter Grayson III - M.D.; Frogger Larson - Ex minor league baseball pitcher for the Tehachapi Mudhens; etc.) make sure that you remember your "name" and your "occupation". Also, it helps if you know a little something about your "occupation", because you never know when the girl you're hitting on, as Hunter Grayson III, is a real doctor.
16.) If a girl is over 21 and she tells you she's only had sex with four people, multiple that number by at least five. If you go home with her the first night and she sucks your dick, then starts licking your ass...multiply that number by at least fifty.
17.) Girls tell you that they want a nice sensitive guy who's in touch with his feelings. That's a load of shit! Go ahead, watch Beaches with a chick, start crying... guarantee she's going to get a "headache" and ask you to go home. Once you leave, she’s going to call her ex-boyfriend (the one who treated her like shit and cheated on her more times then you've had sex your entire life), have him come over and fuck his brains out. Why? Because that cocksucker doesn't fucking cry at Beaches!
18.) If your girlfriend ever thinks she's pregnant, don't get mad at her and tell her that she did it on purpose to trap you with her for the rest of your miserable life.
19.) Never piss off God!
20.) If you’re ever at a party and meet a really hot chick who has connections and can get you tickets to pretty much any sporting there is; talk to her! If she starts flirting with you, flirt back. If she wants to leave the party and go “somewhere else”, go with her. Fuck the fact that you have a girlfriend, because be honest, you’ve been meaning to break up with her anyway. Don’t fuck this one up, because if you will…you will wake up everyday for the rest of your life and contemplate slitting your wrists.
21.) For every hot chick out there who you would give anything to fuck, there's a guy out there who's tired of putting up with her bullshit.
22.) It's cool to play with action figures until you're about ten. On the off chance that you're 27 and you still do... never admit it to the really hot girl at the Barnes and Nobles you go to all the time and buy books you've never heard of just to impress her!
23.) If you have a girlfriend - When you're jacking off don't fantasize about anyone but her. Because one night you're going to be fucking her and you're going to get caught up in the moment then you're going to call her the name of the girl you jack off to. To reverse that, if you ever accidentally call your girlfriend the wrong name in bed, because you actually do cheat on her, just use the jacking off excuse.
24.) Good investment – stocks, real estate. Bad investments - DVDs, action figures, comic books.
25.) If you're fucking your buddy's girlfriend, don't blow your load in her mouth. Your buddy's got to kiss her - have some fucking respect!
Dear toughcrowd, I'm going to write this using your own language style.
If one is going to berate another for being less than intelligent, one should try not to come off like a complete fucking moron. Perhaps, one should employ a spell checker to avoid misspelling words. For example, opperate is actually operate; definately is actually definitely (twice); and existance is actually existence.
Alan
What is wrong with people
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Post #: 42
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Posted: 7/25/2006 5:25:57 PM
Okay, I get it that some of you may not like the article. Here is an idea, don't read it. Are you a fucking moron? Seriously, this website is set up to humor people. If you don't like it, don't visit the site. All of the haters say that this is dumb, and start ripping on the spelling (?) in an article. You people are the same ones complaining about blood, gore and nudity on TV. Same thing, don't like it change the channel. There is such a thing as freedom of speech, and who said you had to visit every site online. Keep watching "The View" and leave the humor to funny people. Thank you, jackasses.
Jason
Alan, you're an idiot.
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Post #: 43
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Posted: 7/28/2006 12:14:01 AM
"Okay, I get it that some of you may not like the article. Here is an idea, don't read it."
How would they know if they liked it or not if they didn't read it, you ass-hat?
"There is such a thing as freedom of speech, and who said you had to visit every site online."
This a comment board for people to express their view on this article? You are telling people not to express negative comments! And then you bring up freedom of speech?!? You're an idiot. Every point you made was fucking ass-backwards. I hope you’re only 12 or something, because you made about as much sense as a prepubescent kid with downs syndrome.
ashy larry
more stuff
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Post #: 44
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Posted: 7/30/2006 7:47:36 PM
funny shyt. if i can add to this
26. If you confront a woman about something you thought she was lying about and she starts cryin, it means shes guilty as sin.
27. Pretending to be gay so you can use the `ol " i want to experiment with women and I want you to be the girl" routine can end up bad...very very bad.
28. For every beautiful woman on earth is at least one man that hates her.
29. When a woman waves at you in a bar make sure she`s waving at you and not the guy standing three people behind you. Oh and do this BEFORE you buy her a drink.
jase
yuck
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Post #: 45
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Posted: 8/9/2006 11:17:41 AM
This is sexist crap. Definitely can tell you hicks are from Ohio.
Jessica
Funny shit
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Post #: 46
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Posted: 8/16/2006 5:31:35 PM
I was trying to think of some similar "life lessons" that women learn about men over the years, but someone already wrote that book (All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten)
Random guy
Random guy
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Post #: 47
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Posted: 8/19/2006 5:52:22 AM
That's a bit harsh Jessica. Yes, this is individual is definitely misogynistic at points and a bit much, but still... To indict the entire male community as you have is pretty ridiculous and unfair (although if taken lightly your statement is quite humorous, but in this context I feel it is more biased self defense than anything else, but “whatever”, you go riot grrrl,). Anyways, more importantly, Jason you bring up good points, yet the article is a humor piece that can be offensive to many. So while I agree there should be discussion on the matter, I don't necessarily feel it should create such polar views as is being portrayed in this discussion board. I think that is what Alan is trying to say, even if he (she?) may not have typed it that way. Fuck it, that's the way I feel. Sure, the article is offensive, but that's what good humor does. Those that do get bothered don't necessarily need to refrain from reading this article, but should at least realize that their viewpoint isn't that of the target audience, namely those that can take a joke (make fun of men, women, god, atheists, etc. any day, I'll laugh with you). I think Alan is just trying to point that out in his post. It seems those who have posted about how horrible the article is are very bothered by how much the author portrays him(her?)self as an asshole. It’s just comedy, don’t take it too seriously. If you do you’re missing the point of what GOOD comedy is attempting, namely the ability to poke fun at stereotypes and social conventions (go watch “Raw” by Eddie Murphy and if you feel that it’s too much just kill yourself as life isn’t really worth living if you can’t laugh at it). And yes, I ramble, and yes I’m drunk. If you’ve made it to this point, go do something productive with yourself and don’t fall in to the same trap of mediocrity that I have.
Rod
relax...laugh a little
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Post #: 48
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Posted: 8/25/2006 7:45:17 AM
this was pretty funny - thanks for writing it.
to the critics (the ladies): It's a fucking joke - relax, find some perspective. if you have any creativity, write your own '25 rules' from a woman's perspective. i'll read it and probably laugh (and even agree with most of it), but you will see me or any other man throw the 'sexist' bullshit trump card out there. wha wha....look at me, I have a vagina and breasts...you sound like some of the black guys I work with who blame everything shitty in their lives on the 'system' or the 'white man', but not the stupid choices they have made for themselves.
Rod
relax...laugh a little
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Post #: 49
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Posted: 8/25/2006 7:46:47 AM
this was pretty funny - thanks for writing it.
to the critics (the ladies): It's a fucking joke - relax, find some perspective. if you have any creativity, write your own '25 rules' from a woman's perspective. i'll read it and probably laugh (and even agree with most of it), but you will NOT (sorry typo!) see me or any other man throw the 'sexist' bullshit trump card out there. wha wha....look at me, I have a vagina and breasts...you sound like some of the black guys I work with who blame everything shitty in their lives on the 'system' or the 'white man', but not the stupid choices they have made for themselves.
Jess
Ladies rebuttle
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Post #: 50
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Posted: 8/30/2006 5:44:00 PM
The Rebuttle 25 Life Lessons... 1. You want a good review from the pussy you plan on bringing home, layoff the coke, or all her friends are going to know you can't get it up. 2. In Vegas, you should be able to find good pussy for free. 3.When you are about to sleep with a guy and he pulls out a fresh looking condom... don't sleep with him, he is a whore and just fucked some other idiot girl who fell for the same bull shit lines that you did. 4. If a guy pushes your head down to his unshaven cock, bite it for being an asshole. if a guy goes down on you first until you cum, give him your best ladies, he put your needs abve his. 5. Can't argue with 5 6.When your boyfriend is constantly insisting on having a threesome with you and a "girl of your choice" ...run he is cheating, or wants to cheat, and is just as bad. 7. If you are talking to a guy you notice has an armband tatoo and says it is homage to a lost friend, it is really a please-notice-my-rock-hard-body-pick me-to-fuck-you ploys because they lack smarts and motivation to make anything of themselves.... stay away. 8. Go for the real thing ladies, don't waste money on a knock off, they do not last 9. women who are too tan, too blonde, and put on too much of a front, are extemely insecure with themselves and are easy targets for men 10. If you meet the guy of your dreams and he is all about you from the get go... run as far away as you can, you must be a bitch and cut off all ties... they are the psycho guys 11.Any boyfriend who has a girlfiriend he hangs out a lot with, is fucking her, and if he is not fucking her, he wants to. he would do more for her than you because he wants to get in her pants... CURB IMMEDIATLEY 12. Guys llike blondes. Guys like great bodies. If you aren't blonde, make the brunette work, if you don't have a great body, get to the gym... men are simple minded 13. A bad way to meet a guy is to wear a shirt that reads "I fuck on the first date" or something like it......." you are a dirty nasty freak in bed" is what he is thinking. he will say and do anything to get you in bed.. I bet he is successful. 14.Another bad way to meet a guy is by challenging joe shmoe to a drinking contest thinking that you are one of the guys... note: they still want to get in your pants, and if they are really dirty, they still want to fuck you after you have peed all over their bed... leave all embarassing moments in the past where they belong 15. Ladies, if you feell the need to use a fake name then you are probably a slut and don't want your shit out in the open about you. In that case make it convincing 16.if the guy is over 21 and the number of women is close (or fewer) than the number you have slept with... he is a whore and is lying. if you do sleep with him and doesn't care about a condom then multiply his number times 50 and add 10 more if he tries to go in through the back. 17. guys just say they are sensitive to get in your pants, the ones who really are, are called Mama's boys, and you DEFINATELY DO NOT want one of those. They are more maintenance then the striped shirt asshole you were dating last week until you realized that his rock hard hair was scratching the shit out of your face every night 18.if a guy insists that you have an abortion because you think you might be pregnant, be prepared for the asshole dead beat dad. if you get your period tell him to fuck off and tell his friends he has a hook shaped dick 19. can't argue with 19 20.If you ever have the chance to meet a connected guy... don't let him get away. Fabulous friends, parties, let him help you out... do what you must, who cares about your broke boyfriend, he has been living off you and you deserve better, he has class, and sophistication, but just remember, he is still a man, so play those cards right 21.Ladies, do not chase the men, let them chase you 22. If you have carried your tomboyish ways through your 20s dont let the cat out of the bag until .... actually ne
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